"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i feel so exhausted

[Judy2]

...trying to pick myself up and be a bit hopeful, here and there, but really i could use a therapist to support me - which i currently don't have, and things are still unresolved, complicated, scary. (living situation, weight situation, BA thesis,...)

this is part of the update i never gave, but i got a new gym membership last Monday. apparently i've got nothing better to do in life and don't know what else to do with myself, so this is something to fill my days with. i'm also finally getting into strength training, which i've been wanting to do for years. ...i enjoy killing my legs on the stairmaster until they feel like lead - later on, they carry me with more ease. i enjoy trying some pull-ups with a little bit (- 66%) of support from below...that's something i find strangely (unexpectedly) pleasant and want to keep working on. and i noticed that the few exercises i'm doing for my core have already changed my default posture to be a lot more upright.

 

but yeah...the general tone right now is desperation, and hopelessness.

it's just that the gym is ONE HELL of a triggering place. (just like Zurich, where i visited my brother this weekend. i spent all day analysing body types and it seems like the ancient statues at the tops of some old buildings have the healthiest body fat percentage overall, which was the one reassuring element throughout the experience, the rest was pretty concerning. *of course my brain is not interested in registering the amount of overweight or healthy people, only comparing myself to the skinniest 10%). hundreds of bodies to look at and compare myself to.

the amount of women there whose body weight is ostensibly too low is frightening...and it's absolutely triggering. 

this morning i weighed 48,4kg...which for me is a bmi of just about 18. probably getting my period back in a few weeks, which is something, i guess. i'm already feeling so chubby in the face, already way too fat again...maybe i'm already too much. which is odd, seeing that number now, knowing it can't be so if it's barely a healthy bmi and the doctors said i should get to a minimum of 21.

then in some moments i notice i'm still quite skinny (note to self: i still have a thigh gap at this weight) and want to keep it that way (feels nice, having small legs and arms...being slim...others do, and no one calls them eating disordered for that), but feel very divided because i'd probably have to go back to very unhealthy, disordered levels of restriction and ed-behaviours to maintain a weight that is still quite low. but i want to look skinny! because i feel so, so, so small on the inside (emotion coming up: tears). i feel so small, and being a tiny woman (just small enough for it to be a noticeable feature, an "oh she's so much smaller than most women!") best reflects what i feel like on the inside...but restricting and counting calories and being hungry all the time isn't making me happy, either. isn't what i want in the long term. isn't what i would want for my own daughter, frankly (...emotion...).

i guess i can still look good at bmi 21, if i work out. i see other women at bmi 21+ all the time who i think look good....but they're not me. they don't have that awful face that turns chubby and round and ugly unless i'm at least 2kg underweight. they've got the confidence to carry all that weight. myself, i certainly don't. i need to be skinnier than average, need to be unusually slim...because i've got nothing else! and i feel so small, i feel so tiny...i want people to see that - otherwise they NEVER believe me (tears...), never see how messed up and broken and scared and lost i am on the inside.

...so yeah, the thoughts are LOUD and i'm trying to hold against that, but i could totally use a therapist to help me deal with all of this. it's all too much and the thoughts are so loud...it's difficult to resist and ignore all of them.

but i don't want to be going to the gym while starving myself - that sounds like one big hell of an experience, not very pleasant. i don't want any more weeks and months, or even days, trying to get satiated on 2kg of veg and walking around town either constipated or with diarrhea.

it's just that i look in the mirror and, being barely at a healthy bmi range, i still can't decide if i look quite skinny or already too fat. because some women at the gym have it as their goal to be where i was coming from, to be super toned and lose their periods and restrict and stuff their stomachs with veg and aaaaah....

this is SO triggering...and i have to deal with it all on my own, no one knows or sees the struggle i'm going through...makes me sad. makes me desperate.

not even my best friend understands...whenever i mention this topic to him, i only feel massively invalidated and the pressure to self-harm spikes when i feel misunderstood in everything that concerns this very, very important topic... very important. because it's literally about the image of myself that i show to the world.

this is so difficult, it's such a struggle, no one knows this or sees this, i'm all on my own.

Edited July 7 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel sad, and hopeless

[Judy2]

i feel scared, and sad, and lost, and lonely, and helpless

[Judy2]

it's like this instability is EVERYWHERE... where's my home, what do i do with myself, what do i look like (the body i'm in! ... the state of my arms and legs, my face, my neck, my tummy, my back...)...not even that is fixed, even that is unsteady, unstable. i've got NOTHING. Nothing to hold onto! (and i feel so lonely with this struggle...no one seems to understand it, or know it in quite the same way, or validate it...no one believes it.)

 

again, just a thought, but earlier today during a hopeful moment, i thought: okay, if no where in the world is home, maybe everywhere is. maybe i've even got two homes (my parents' place and my flat), maybe more. but then i'd have to find a way to make sense of all the ugly, challenging, disquieting, noisy bits that seem inescapable, that are always inevitably present and intruding upon My Peace...and i don't know how to do that. please, someone teach me how to do that!

i feel so scared, so desperate.

so small, so alone.

just crying in bed...i guess. maybe that's okay though. maybe that's been needed, for quite a while. haven't been able to cry this much in weeks.

Edited July 7 by Judy2

[Judy2]

...calmed down a bit.

out of all the things i'm so ambivalent about (because there are so many contradictory parts inside of me, so many contradictory definitions of right and wrong that i personally get confused about how to handle my own theories on how to stay safe...), out of all things right and wrong...

i guess it can't be wrong to prioritise my health. it feels a little wrong, but it's probably the "right" that will get me out of this mess in the long term. whereas the ed-version of what's right usually just perpetuates a state of helplessness, waiting, counting days, ...and so on. symbolic dissociation from life and truth and what's actual.

- still scary, still extremely difficult.

but health is what i know i want in the long term anyway. i don't want a life of restrictive eating - i know i don't. (it's just that NOT NOW...because i still need to be skinny for now, because things are so messy and chaotic and i've got nothing to hold onto...)

also, i don't particularly like the idea of making my metabolism slow down again after only just having given it some energy to re-boot.

it's just weird, having to choose between a body and food. at least apparently, at least in my black and white world. even a healthy, good-looking body just isn't the same as an anorexic body. but then, the anorexic high is a very isolated spiritual experience, with huge costs. ...have been contemplating this for months in this journal (i think?)...and i know the answer. even though it's incredibly, fundamentally scary, even though nobody understands and i feel invalidated and triggered and and and...

 

okay.

oh, and btw. i've been wanting to say that i have this idea of planning a solo trip to reward myself after handing in my thesis (which should be in a few months??? if things finally work out...). regardless of the mark i get...because i'm doing something that's really difficult for me, and so i deserve a reward. (deserve to live...so i guess forcing myself to go on a trip and be alive is also a bit of a challenge again). solo travelling in nature is probably too scary, so i'm thinking i might go to a city again. maybe Copenhagen, maybe Barcelona. never been there before, but i figured i might get along there quite well. ...or maybe i will plan some hikes as well, we'll see.

Edited July 8 by Judy2

[Judy2]

...just opened my letter with the report from the clinic and it sounds like at least a handful of people on this planet still believe i'm seriously messed up. (call me crazy but it's usually a fun experience, reading about how sick people think i am).

... which is nothing i'll be able to fix all by myself, within a few days. so i'll still need therapy, i guess. just don't know when and where and with whom...it's quite difficult to arrange this even with insurance.

(and again, triggering to try my best to make progress even without support right now...)

Edited July 7 by Judy2

[Judy2]

 

..i wonder if i should be ashamed of myself, for sharing all this darkness and chaos, this mess i have inside of myself.

i wonder what you guys think, if you think i'm a completely narcissistic, stupid bitch. probably.

...trying not to care? i don't know. i do probably care.

 

mostly just sharing nowadays because a) if i don't think too much about all the suffering involved, i actually feel like the kinds of thoughts i'm having are quite fascinating and interesting...just from a purely philosophical or psychological pov. sharing some thoughts that i know are sick helps me look at them with a sort of detached admiration, rather than tormented self-identification... and b) it's one of the few coping mechanisms i have that might be somewhat functional and provide a sense of stability (as you can tell i am lacking).

 

but yeah, i should definitely be ashamed of myself.

Edited July 7 by Judy2

[Judy2]

still feeling pretty conflicted because it's all easier said than done. guess i don't want my body to change a lot for now, but i'll try to eat enough to fuel my workouts and have energy throughout the day. and i'll try to focus on healthy, balanced nutrition. 

[Judy2]

...still such a struggle! definitely 

i don't even have the words for it, to express just how much of a struggle it is.

Edited July 8 by Judy2

[Judy2]

called mum to discuss my desperation with the therapy-situation. 

would have wanted to hide all my sadness and desperation, to push away all the emotion - but couldn't. was surprised to find her quite validating: "you are sad - it's okay that you are sad, sometimes we get sad" (on point embodiment of dbt therapy strategies, even though she doesn't know about them - i'm impressed, mum!) 

... still haven't found a solution, but i guess i'll have to figure it out somehow. 

[Judy2]

maybe being an adult is a bit like becoming your own parent? like pretending i'm my own mum or like i am living the life of my own daughter - not my own life, because loving myself and being good to myself and pretending like i care about my health (jesus! that word...) makes me nauseous and gives me a really bad gut reaction. (i hate myself, i'm ugly, i don't deserve to live, i don't deserve to be alive, i'm not good enough, i'm not allowed to enjoy life, i'm not allowed to exist, i'm not allowed to be happy...)

i guess that's what enables what they call "functional" long-term decision making (i'm bad at that, i thrive on dysfunctional impulses... - there's still space for a few more scars on my thigh, i'm just waiting for someone to say the next invalidating, hurtful phrase that reminds me of just how wrong Everything about me is...). 

anyway...just an idea that has been crossing my mind lately.

[Judy2]

this song has been replaying in my head again lately, every now and then. 

i think i've linked it before somewhere, but can't find it anymore:

 

what if i didn't do this to my body?

what if i quit and then you don't want me?

the dinner conversation no one talks about

i don't know how much longer i can keep this down

 

beauty is a knife i've been holding by the blade

swallowing my pride so i won't eat anything 

it's all a lie

honestly, it's eating me alive

 

they're all like

did you change your hair?

did you lose a little weight? 

you should keep it up cause it really looks great

i hate that i always look my best

when i'm dying on the inside

[Judy2]

went to the gym again today.

my body image is still really confused.

i've just gotten used to the state of my face to the point that i can consider it pretty and still quite slim and tolerable and not too chubby again

but for the rest of my body, i can't figure out if it's still quite skinny and just right and how i'd want to keep it....if it's already too fat, sort of skinny-fat, if it's too muscular... i don't know. i'm really confused about this.

also, my lower belly tends to stick out a lot. i can feel that it's not fat because the part that sticks out is further beneath the skin. might be either my intestines or my uterus...but it looks like it sticks out in a more extreme way than it does for other women. (i also know the lower belly had that extreme curve to it even when i was a few kilos underweight in the autumn/winter...maybe it's the intestines or uterus being even more pronounced in their curve because of an absence of belly fat? i'm trying not to worry about it...but i do think about what other people think when they see that when i'm wearing gym shorts or a dress. i wonder if they think i'm fat, or quite slim.)

 

also, i (somewhat intentionally, somewhat unintentionally) made my social anxiety spike by asking the staff to show me some exercises. noticed my body taking on a very shy, anxious posture when walking up to the machine i was trying... the guy who showed me touched my triceps without asking first, which i found a bit irritating. he should be trained to ask.

[Judy2]

...maybe it's not good and healthy for me to be obsessing over and analysing my looks like that all the time.

maybe i could trust that 5kg more or less won't make a huge difference and i'll be looking cute regardless. 

...but yeah, in practice it's really hard. because my sense of identity and self-worth is 1000% tied up in my appearance. (cause what else is there?)

Edited July 9 by Judy2

[Judy2]

...feeling pretty low and depressed, because everything is such a daily, constant struggle of trying to figure out what to do so that things can finally get better for me. i'm constantly fighting - so, so, so hard - never truly able to rest, or relax.

[Judy2]

it all seems so hopeless, like i'll never get better, i'll never be okay.

[Judy2]

feeling lonely, and i'm trying to think of a constructive solution, but it's actually not so easy to do something about that.

i mean at least someone touched my triceps today, that's something.

[Judy2]

i'm such a loner, always struggling and fighting all by myself. no one sees this, and it might even be worse when i'm around other people, because i'm so distrustful of them... so instead of making me feel connected and understood, other people tend to put me even more on guard - they might be the ones informing me and revealing to me that i'm ugly and fat and not good enough, after all... - so they tend to make that whole struggle even more complicated, at least seemingly. which is why "i don't need people", "i don't like people", ...i avoid people.

if there's a reason i'm no longer censoring myself on here, it's because all of this is so exhausting and i just need somewhere, some place, where i can be honest, where i can be truthful, where i can be myself (even if i'm ugly and stupid and "too negative" and narcissistically self-absorbed to a very concerning degree...).

Edited July 9 by Judy2

[Judy2]

...throughout all these years, i know that deep down i've always believed and always had that vision in my head that things WILL get better eventually. i know they will. i know i have it in me to make that happen. i believe it's possible... i believe i can make it out of this, somehow, i believe there can be a point when life gets easier and starts making sense and being fun and easy and filled with joy again...

...i just don't know how. i really don't. and it's absolutely frustrating to bear witness to this ongoing struggle, this constant tug-of-war, this constant trying. it's so tiring, so painful, so draining....but mostly painful. 

i want it to stop hurting so much! i want things to start being okay! how??? just how???