Feeling stuck - Help me understand

[aclokay]

When I was a teenager, and everybody started to date and kiss and have sex and all of that. I told myself that It's not my time. I thought that when I would become an adult, I would be successful and girls would be attracted to me because I can provide and take care and love, and they wouldn't care about how socially skilled I was or how cool I was.

It's been a decade,..I had periods of being, at least relatively, socially successful. Most notably, having a blog in my early 20's where I would anonymously share intimate details about my life and also post photography - I was really invested into photography and since I have a nice fit body, I thought it would grab peoples attention, and it did. I got emails on a weekly basis from people being interested in me. I mostly wasn't interested. But then I got laid a couple of times through that.

Anyway, as I grew up I didn't feel so connected with the persona I portrayed in the blog, and I quit it and I opened a bunch more and I quit them. And then stumbled upon Actualized.org's early video about getting a girlfriend and all the other relationship and sexual stuff. And it was super entertaining for my mind. I would be fascinated by the different ways of thinking about social life and sexuality and things of the like.

This was around 5~ years ago. And since then a lot has changed. And not for the better... I feel like I have some social competence, but it's not consistent. There are certain events and social settings that I feel like at home, for example at intimate birthday parties, or other small groups. Also in places where I know I'm valued simply by entering them, such as tech conferences and meetups, because I have some "merits" in the field. Such that I can approach people and be interested and also interest them about my work, etc.

However, when it comes to engaging with people on a more sexual way or actually expressing my intentions, I feel like it's almost impossible. I've been trying to construct some social life, that would also be beneficial even if I'm not socializing, i.e. going to yoga classes, workshops, retreats and things of that nature. And every time I go there, I try to put myself in the mind of "I'm going to have fun and socialize" - That is until I reach there and the first challenges comes to me.

When I see a girl I like, I start to think about how lovely she is, and then I think of how I'm not good enough for her. If I manage to see how victim mentally has come on, I try to put it to the side and focus on being successful, but that doesn't really work. It goes from "She's so attractive, probably going to reject me", to "I'm really awesome she would be lucky to have me, but then with time, we would get sick of each other and be stuck in something we don't want"

To be honest I'm confused as hell by my desires, or what am I supposed to do about them. If I really like this girl, why don't I just say "hi", how bad can it be? I've managed to do it in the past, I've had experiences I can refer to from the past, but most of the experiences are that which makes me go all sour grapes on every social interaction.

And that's just the challenges of getting to know new people. I think that even getting past this challenges puts me in sour grapes mood. Because, I recently met a new person through tinder, and we connected and spent a lot of time together. From this moment, I shut down my tinder account so I could focus on it. But then I realized the challenges of coming AFTER meeting a new person.

i feel super blocked. Like there's a huge wall in front of me that is filtering what ever I want to express towards this person. Like I wanna have sex. Why is it only in my mind and fantasies? Why can't I initiate that with her? I think of things about her, and I feel ashamed to express them. It's like she became the only person in my life and I put all of the heavy weight on her and when she's not available I go on emotional tantrums and then I become unattractive..

I feel like being honest is hard. It's like, when I'm being honest I feel like I'm a victim. Maybe that's where I am, even-tho all this self-esteem work I've put it, I guess it's just not enough. I don't know. Should I pause my quest for love and go back to basics and work on my self esteem? Or should I try to do them at the same time? Why is it not working for me? Am I doing the wrong thing? Are there things I didn't try? 

Maybe it's too early for me to be in relationships and that's why I avoid connecting? I'm curious about this too. On one hand, if I think that I should be happy first, and then try to add people to my life, I would probably never add them. Because If I'm happy, why would I want more people? If I don't need people, why would I add them? And let's say instead of needing them, I want them. But what is the difference? 

On the other hand, If I get people from needing them, and that would make me happy, I would be terrified of losing them because my happiness would go with them. I just feel super insecure,.. I don't know if going on this social life quests is making me more secure, maybe I started this from a place of insecurity and everything I do here is just filling that place of insecurity. 

Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear your take on it and maybe some advice on what can I do here.