Free-Association Journal

[kag101]

just want to write random stuff here, without the need of having to make sense, prove a point, etc. just let things flow and see where it leads me.

today i had a deep insight about my difficulties with socializing. thing is, as soon as things get "informal", i freeze. it's as if i'm trying to drive a car with the hand-brake up.

today i was at college and i was hanging out with some friends at a bar. i was tensed, in overthinking mode, and feeling as if i was the most boring person in the world (which became a self-fulfilling prophecy in a way). i felt as if i was in 6th grade again, where i felt that i, as an individual, was faulty, as if i was lacking something in my core. i found myself really wanting to have a drink. but as soon i noticed that, i paused a bit. i mean, it's okay to drink. but it can't be my only doorway to entering social mode. i don't need that. i know that i can be myself (more introverted), interact with others, and actually add to the conversation.

when i was heading home, i was about to send a message to my therapist reflecting about this topic. but instead, i started to ponder about that just in my thoughts. and it really cleared my mind. it's interesting to revisit those old fears but with a more matured view of the world. when i was a teenager, everything felt so overwhelming. my emotional intelligence was low. i was neurotically trying to overcome my psychological problems -- which always backfired. 

anyway, what i got from today:

• take off this huge weight i put on your shoulders that i have to have extremely high social skills

• it's okay if you take longer to get intimate with someone

• when in a group, focus on making short comments about what they are saying.

 

people love to talk. but the thing is, i also have to give my 2 cents, or else it'll become boring.

so, yeah... i feel like this strategy of "just giving my two cent here and there" is going to work. this is something doable. i have done it before, and it worked. i definitively don't want to feel like today on a regular basis.

i know i can do this. i'm not a lost 12-year-old anymore. i have a good support network. i have had a good social performance in the past 3 years. so i'll see how it goes!

ps: i might go to a college party on saturday. i still don't know, because it's kinda expensive, but i think it would be worthy...

 

 

[kag101]

one day this will all be memories.

nothing, but memories.

every person, every worry, every smile.

in fact, most of it will not even be memories -- but simply a void.

it is a privilege for an event to become a memory.

[kag101]

sometimes I get the blues, like a relapse, thinking that everything will go wrong and that I'll be a failure. overcoming a trauma is about understanding that these ghosts come back from time to time, but they no longer define my life as a whole.

it's essential to be prepared for these moments, knowing that they will come. after all, expecting everything to be perfect is a recipe for frustration. "oh, how come I'm having these thoughts again? I can't believe it! I really am a fraud."

maybe I am. maybe everything I do nowadays is just a temporary fix. perhaps my future is one of incapacity and weakness. but maybe it can be different. maybe I can put things into perspective, be kinder to myself, and trust in myself a bit more.

but, I feel like time is running out too fast. I feel like my time is running out. however, I'm grateful for where I am today. I've been in a terrible place, a really terrible place, and it was frightening. and today, I'm happy. yes, I have my issues and insecurities.

"you haven't achieved anything yet! you're still just playing at life. you're a joke, and no one would take your life seriously." well, maybe they wouldn't. it seems pretty easy, but who said it has to be hard?

I think it's all about putting things into perspective, where I was and where I am now. I love you. you're a really great guy. it wasn't easy to go through what you went through, but now you're safe!

isn't that wonderful? safe, finally! I know that sometimes the trauma comes back, but there are people here to help you. you're getting through this. trust the process! it's showing results!

from 2019 to 2020, there was a significant improvement, because I was so far behind before. since then, the improvements have been more gradual, but that's okay. I know there's still a long way to go, and things aren't the way you want them yet, but you have the resources to get better, and you know how to use them.

[kag101]

I’ve been becoming dependent on alcohol to socialize when I hang out. 

I have just graduated from college and I don’t feel secure. I don’t feel confident in my capabilities of becoming a psychologist. 

I’ve been having these ups and downs over the past two years. Before I was much more stabilized. But now… I’ve been sketchy. 

Sometimes I think about going back to therapy, even though I grew bored of it and it’s really expensive.

But I don’t know, I feel like I need to do something. I am in a very sensitive period in my life and I feel like I shouldn’t go through this by myself. 

I have a deep seated lack of confidence in the human being. This stems from my childhood when my parents divorced in an abrupt traumatic way. This made me think that i can’t trust my environment and the trajectory of my life. In summary, it made be believe that sooner or later, everything will collapse.

 

 

How did I came back to this journal?
 
I’m in trip with some friends and social anxiety creeped in. It’s been tough. But I remembered that there was this inside that I had on this journal about a situation that I experienced some years ago. 

And the insight was: when in groups, focus on making small comments. 

I’ll try that! 

 

Apart from that, I think I will try to write more here. Share my journey. 
 

Thank you guys

 

 

[kag101]

I enjoyed the experience of writing  here again, even though I doubt many people will read it. But it’s cool to have an archive of what I am experiencing my life.

 

Two personas

I feel like I have two personas inside of me: one is really outgoing, child-like, chaotic, unpredictable, spontaneous, and fun yet irritating.

The other one is the complete opposite: formal, never takes risks, never irritate anyone, overly serious. I think I have built this false self to protect myself from an environment that doesn’t allow self expression. 

But the thing is: both are unbalanced. The chaotic one is fun, but cringey and burns out quickly. The serious one is extremely sensitive and a great listener — but it’s boring and robotic. 

And this is where I’ve been over the last year. Alternating between those two. I really try hard to find an equilibrium, but I just can’t seem to pull it off.

The most random trip 

This trip that I took was really random. I didn’t even know the people. I’m not even close to the person who invited me. 

At first, I was like a childlike version of myself. Speaking whatever the fuck I wanted, trying to have fun, drinking a bunch of whiskey, etc. 

But then… I woke up feeling groggy and sad. It’s as if I’m using alcohol to self medicate.

And then, I switched to my robotic self: I wasn’t saying anything out of my comfort zone but deep down I was just a bore to be around. 

 

going back to meds

I really don’t know what to do. I’ve talked with my psychiatrist to go back to the medication that I was having, but he told me it’s better to hold off for a while. Honestly, I don’t understand that. I just wanna feel good, you know? Who cares if I get depended on a medication? I certainly don’t.

While I was in this depressive state — which was a real contrast to the high energy and spontaneous one that I was before — I began to contemplate about the types of medication that will come up in a few years, which will be able to regulate the neurotransmitters in a magical way, similar to Soma, the drug in the book Brave New World. 
 

back to therapy? 

I’m really unsure about going back to therapy. To be honest, all I wanted is to take the meds and feel good. But I feel stuck to be honest. I feel like I’m saturated with psychotherapy and psychiatric sessions. Sometimes I feel like it’s all bullshit. Especially antidepressants.

[kag101]

I feel gloomy. All the vitality that I was experiencing before has now vanished. I’m left with my same old me. This old me can be  pleasant  for others, but I feel my energy stuck. 
 

 

Trying to emotionally bond with others 

i’ve been trying to focus on emotionally bonding with others and being more vulnerable especially with my family and close friends. Like, opening up about my mental health. But I think this may be all a façade. Some months ago I was using a mask of being hyper extroverted, and maybe now I’m using one of being hyper understanding, soft, and pleasant. 

But the truth is: I want to feel connected with others. I want to be my vulnerable self. I want to accept the fact that being alive is being vulnerable.

And that no amount of hyperindependence will protect me from the inherit uncertainty of life, which is: things can fall apart, my parents can die unexpectedly, I can get a depressive episode that will last forever, I can have these wild mood swings over my entire life, people may not like me, I might not be able to be productive member of society, etc

And I find that the best way to protect myself from all of that is to share that with others, to not go by myself all the time. 

I want to do this experiment this year: Spend less time with myself, which is a hard thing for me. Because being by myself is so secure. There’s no risk of being hurt by what the other person say.


My mental health 

I went to my psychiatrist and he decided to not go back to the medication in this moment. He said that the best option right now is to try therapy and if that doesn’t work, then we can think about going back to the medication.

I did a psychotherapy session of ACT. It was a free trial so I decided to give it a go. I don’t feel confident with the therapist. She seems amateur tbh. And I feel like I look like an easy case but I’m actually really complex. 

I wish I could do the therapy with my old therapist but she’s overly expensive. 

i’m thinking of giving it a go with this therapist, trying to do at least 12 sessions more or less and see how that goes. I have to be honest, though, I am not confident.

 

 

[kag101]

Focusing on the basics?

I’m thinking of focusing harder on the basics. Problem is, I can get quite neurotic in the process — stripping away all my spontaneity. 

 

I just wanted to think in a simple way. Don’t overcomplicate things. Just focusing on doing things in a simple way. 

 

I’ve started this new therapy and I was contemplating about one thing I can focus on is to build good habits, work on my foundations. And let me tell you they’re pretty shaky right now. I tried to ignore that sort of thing, and do things my way. And the result did not look good. 

 

I’m thinking of whether I’m going to talk with my doctor to try to convince him to prescribe me some medication. But I think it would be better if I just try to trust this therapy that I’m doing. 

 

It’s so hard to be positive about myself. I honestly don’t like where I’m heading. I’m eating way too much. I feel like my testosterone has gone way down. Like, OK, I don’t need that much but I certainly need some. 

 

Anyway, I have to remind myself of a bigger picture. Like, this moment in my life is not pleasant but now I have strategies and resources to pull myself out of this quagmire that I’m in right now.