Expression of Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Love this song from a game I played :3 so goofy.

* * * * * * *

I'm doing really good. Just figuring life out one day at a time. I have a more positive outlook now, which helps greatly. Though this is subject to change I suppose. 

I can overcome any obstacles with enough consciousness and devotion. Oh, and there are obstacles. Ones I can't easily understand. At times I struggle for days trying to grasp what the hell is causing a disturbance in my mind. It's pretty much always about me freaking out about some energy I can't handle yet.

I'm trying new things. Today I took part in an art class. We were painting visions from our dreams. Neat, right? 

On Tuesday I'll be starting capoeira classes. I'm excited about that too.

I'm working for a good company now. Also working on my engineering thesis (albeit slowly). 

I feel like I'm on track for greatness. 

Some days I'm more disconnected from God and on other days I'm closer. Sometimes I forget and I suffer, which sucks. But I can always remember again if I really want it. I can decide to come back and face what I have to face. It's all a matter of making the good choice. Doing the right thing.

My relationships are quite satisfying. My diet is healthy. My mental health is good. My desires flowing. My visions fairly vivid.

I have a lot of fears and other difficult energies which resurface every now and then. I'm confronting them one at a time. Usually before bed I take the time to sit and tell God the truth of me. The truth of my feelings which, after being fully expressed, changes. And the feelings fade into oblivion. Sweet death. Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.

Yup. That's me lately. It's good to feel good sometimes. 

I wish I was more conscious though. Well, I'll make it happen.  Reality demands sacrifices and I will adhere. 

Edited November 4, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I watch a lot of nature documentaries nowadays. Animals are plain awesome. Infinite Intelligence on full display. 

[Sincerity]

Love is NOT a feeling.

You can feel its sweet scent, sense it. But that's not love, that's just a faint smell of it!

Oh, if only You saw what love is! Love itself is NOT a feeling, emotion, sensation. Contemplate then, what is love? WHAT IS IT?

Love is not your ordinary shit. And yet it is, and the source of all of it. Love is the sweetest, the most powerful, beautiful and intelligent. Love is THE BEST. And nothing compares to It.

Love finds a way where there is none.

Love makes no mistakes.

Love cannot die, ever.

Because Love...

Is...

 

And You...

Are...

 

[Sincerity]

One of the realest people I know:

I like challenges. I like to create the impossible. Like I would love to see Rebecca or, or Amanda...

...

...

I'd like to see them get better. And that would require a miracle.

"But I believe in miracles."

Yeah. No, I live for them. And that's what motivates me to do this.

And in the part 2 of that series he talks about forgiveness. Which to me there's nothing more important to talk about. And I ask him: what would he say to the guy who shot him? Cuz half his face and half his brain is missing. And he said: I love You. I forgive You.

And that's the only way You can be. That's the ONLY way. A lot of people don't understand that.

* * * * * * *

This guy senses Love. He may not be aware of it, but he feels it. 

I want to be more like Mark. Such a great character.

Edited November 7, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Listen to what You yourself are saying. What advice You are giving to people. Very often You are saying things You aren't really conscious of yet. And You can literally learn from your own words. 

It's okay to share advice You haven't integrated yet. Maybe it's simply the case You are always somehow ahead of yourself. Don't be ashamed of it, let that wisdom flow. It's not yours and You can be fine with that. And if You become conscious of the meaning behind what You're saying, then You can start walking the talk.

Maybe we're saying things that really we want us to understand. I've been noticing it lately. That wisdom flowing from my mouth. It's not narcissistic to admire what You are saying! It's incredibly wise!

Right now I am looking at what I am writing. I am saying this for myself. It's all for my understanding! I want myself to know this! Don't I get it?! It's mind-bending!

And oh how beautiful it is...! 

[Sincerity]

Still doing good. Every day new lessons coming up.

My state is alright. And that's really great. Sometimes I fall, but now I get up faster. Every week I am becoming better at following intuition.

Looking at this life feels so weird. I don't know what's going on. What am I doing here? Where am I heading? But most of all: what is this moment? What is THIS? Who is perceiving it?

Actually, I don't really think it's "correct" to say "this life" or "this form" or this whatever. Because it isn't "this life". It's THIS. I think the way out of the question "why is this moment the way it is/why am I imagining this particular life" is as follows. This moment isn't in any way. This is not a particular life. These are incorrect assumptions stemming from an interpretation of what IS. And the question is invalid from the very start.

I'm getting better at spontaneously seeing things with new eyes. I can be looking at my hand, pull a lever in my mind and forget that it is a hand. And then stare at it with wonder, looking at the mystery of being. Not-knowing is so cool.

Yeah. I'm figuring stuff out. I'm wondering what the future will bring.

[Sincerity]

I think the truest sign of growth is behaviour change.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I'm deluding myself with all the work and only going in circles. But then I remember the tangible changes I find in my behaviour. And then the worry is gone.

And I think it's mainly about changes in unconscious behaviour. I mean when You're going on autopilot and You act in a way different from the situations before. It's like your unconscious autopilot gets updated from the conscious work You've been doing.  It's beautiful to see.

Examples of changes in my behaviour/psyche I observed and wrote down 3 days ago: made a decision much faster today and then let go of it quick to do sth else, been much calmer at work than usual in spite of challenging assignment, been going to the bathroom in the morning more energetically, been eating with more temperance, new desire to go to sleep earlier lately, been acting more intuitively and with less resistance, unloading the dishwasher has felt like fun lately and not a chore, checked my cat's sugar and gave her an insulin shot today faster than ever before, etc...

It's the everyday small things. It takes a good eye to notice them.

Edited November 23, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

Reading my old posts and I can't believe I was the way I was. Even posts from this year... They are so recent, and yet feel so distant. That is not me!

A lot has changed for me in the last 3 months. It's hard to describe, but I really am following intuition's guidance more and more, sacrificing myself at the same time. I'm truly becoming something different.

I'll expand on this a bit. When I am on a walk for example, I am consistently going in directions which go against my thoughts - I am simply led there and I do it. When I take a book into my hands, I choose the exact page which I am supposed to read. I do things I wouldn't normally do. I break patterns. I go to places I wouldn't normally visit and crazy coincidences occur. Instead of mulling over decisions, I simply say what there is to be said at the moment when the decision should be shared with the needed person. I throw away things/delete accounts I am attached to but which no longer resonate (still hurts). I buy things I wouldn't normally buy. In short, I just do things. Not always, but consistently more often. Sometimes it gets crazy weird, but also it's a cool adventure. But it really feels like something else is calling the shots.

Do others fucking experience this?! Because I look at most people and see that they don't. Or maybe they don't notice.

It's crazy actually. It's becoming the norm for me and I'm not even giving it too much thought most of the time. But it is fucking CRAZY. I mean what the fuck, right?! I AM DOING THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

And sometimes it's scary. 

But every day I learn something new. And I'm scared a little less. And I change a little bit.

... 

I'm sure it's going to be okay. I feel a bit sad right now so I'll go and feel into that.

Felt like sharing this song.

[Sincerity]

Finally done with work for today. Oh how great it feels to be free. 

I trust I am being guided well.

I think people underappreciate faith and belief. To most spiritual people hearing the word belief makes their hair stand on end. But there is nothing wrong with belief if it is conscious. Like with everything.

Do You believe in God?

To be strong in faith is something admirable. To believe when You forget and don't directly know anymore, especially when the times are hard. That's what makes You come back. And to have faith that maybe this pain isn't going to last forever... That's what saves You when You're really feeling depressed. Do You believe in impermanence? Do You believe in good guidance? Do You believe in the continuity of experience?

I find that actually it's much harder for me to believe in God than not believe. I am so prejudiced against belief and scared of fooling myself that I'd rather erase everything and question things to death. But it isn't really wise to act from such fear-based motivation. So, what's the way out?

I don't think it's either believe or not. You know, I'm just thinking out loud. I'd say not-knowing is superior and looking at the world with new eyes is always best. Still, I think faith is valuable too. There's just something beautiful about it - I sense it, so there must be something there. 

Oh, how beautiful everything is.

Today I also had the thought that meaning is indescribable. I couldn't convey to anyone the meaning of life. But life does have meaning. The best way I can explain it is that the taken journey simply matters in and of itself and this meaning can be directly felt, maybe even awoken to. It simply takes an awakening.

[Sincerity]

CHANGE.

Such a beautiful word. CHANGE. In love with CHANGE. Always scared of CHANGE.

In polish it is ZMIANA and I like it even more. When I say this word it just feels so mysterious, so absolute, so beautiful. Change... My name is Change. Everything changes. And yet everything's same.

I just know that Change is ultimately Death.

And Death

Is

 

[Sincerity]

Posting this a 3rd time. Who cares?!

Such a chill vibe.

I wish I could sit lonely at the top of the world with the power of Creation. Just chilling and being okay with being God. Having the power to create/imagine ANYTHING. Morph myself into whatever I deem best.

I wouldn't be okay yet. I'm too attached... What about my mom? My dad? My sister? I couldn't let them go, yet.

You know, this is really personal but sometimes I fantasize about them dying. Like I would want it to happen so that I have to process it and let go, because there is no other option anymore.

Secretly I wish everything was taken away from me so that I'm forced to come to terms with how life works. To be honest I haven't experienced serious loss in my life yet. I just feel like I haven't gone through this particular experience yet, which prevents me from deeper understanding. Everyone that was ever close to me is still with me (except my one grandma). I feel like I don't know grief and suffering due to loss. What if this limits me from knowing love too?

I'm probably overthinking it. I should count my blessings and be happy with what is. Besides, loss will obviously come sooner or later. Don't need to hurry so much and I trust I am being guided well.

Sigh, fantasizing about tragedy... what a weird thing. There must be some hidden deeper feeling behind it. I'll have to focus on that. Wait, holy shit, it's NOT me, it's really an obstacle in my mind! Mind stuff preventing me from being happy with the here and now! Okay, I will definitely be looking into it.

It's like a red siren was just activated in my mind - INTRUDER, INTRUDER. PURIFY THE UNRESOLVED FEELING.

As soon as I become aware of an unresolved feeling/energy I try to "jump" at it with consciousness. Kind of stare at it intensely until it burns. Always worked for me so far! Also it feels great to be this purifying force & then bask in the peace... Oh the joy of being able to solve your problems. 

Anyways, chilling to the balcony music. Gonna face the Purity sooner or later.

Edited December 7, 2023 by Sincerity

[Sincerity]

I'm eradicating myself more and more. But along the way I am also becoming more me. It has to be like this.

I always knew this forum was a big attachment for me. I built a persona here. I guess everyone did. And I think becoming a mod one year ago has doubled it all for me.

As part of the purification process I was thinking what to do with my forum conundrum here. The thing is, I don't have a problem with the place. I like it. The only thing I want is to purify myself as much as possible. I was considering deleting my account while still having no problem with visiting here. But then I thought I still want to have a voice and I need an account for that. I can't post things as a guest.

So I'm kind of doing the middle thing. Still here, but with much of myself stripped away. And still moderating, because I like it.

It is what it is. Someday I will probably leave but not yet.

But this journal will probably be deleted soon. In case it is, thanks for reading everyone! Be brave, love each other, yada yada, whatever the fuck. And in case it isn't then ignore what I said before, You can be cowards and hate each other. No thanks for reading to You.

Hehe.  Have a good one.

[Sincerity]

[Sincerity]

Whoop whoop let's do this again 

I've been doing fine. Main development is that I have a gf now. We've been together for 3 months now and it's going really great. We love each other:) and I'm melting in that love.

I've changed in these 3 months. I had to. Love pushed me to it.

Besides that I also now have a more stable job position with a full time contract. I like my job. I feel it's good for me for the time being.

I'll be moving out of my parents' home in 3 months. Either with my gf or alone, we'll see how it goes.

Utterly avoiding writing my thesis to finish my studies. That's the main thing I don't like right now.

Haven't taken psychedelics for 7 months now & not planning in the foreseeable future. I will not take psychedelics while in the relationship with my girl. Frankly psychedelics feel like a different woman to me. Psychedelics and her just don't go together. She's into spirituality but not into substances, and that's okay. I love it that she's different. 

In terms of mental state in the last months - I've been experiencing a lot of backlash. Lowkey reaching new lows.  But that's fineeeee. I'll pull through.

It's a beautiful day today. I love it.

[Sincerity]

Sometimes I randomly think about this Tucker Carlson clip and laugh to myself.  This is comedy gold.