Thoughts

[Grateful Dead]

Trust in the universe allows us to flow with it.

[Grateful Dead]

Life is going full circle, now everything comes back.

I knew this was going to happen, but now that it's here, I feel like I'm not ready for it.

What can I do now but give up what I want and trust Life completely?

What is happening now is what is needed at the moment, whether I want it or not.

[Grateful Dead]

Did 5-MeO yesterday after a long break.

And wow! No fear, no resistance, just pure love.

I fell in love with myself all over again. A very beautiful clarity that there is only me.

When the ego came back I became very aware of what I need to work on at the moment. It's challenging, but I'll make it.

Then today in my morning meditation I had a wonderful vision of a possible future. This is the motivation I needed to get back to my life purpose. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but nothing stopping me. I just have to pull myself together again.

[Grateful Dead]

Right now it feels like I'll never meet a woman like her again.

It sucks so much that both times I really fall in love with a woman, she's from another continent.

There are so many things I would do differently now.. it fucking hurts

[Grateful Dead]

It all boils down to loving yourself.

That's where my focus will be.

Just loving myself more and more.

?

[Grateful Dead]

I'm proud of myself for being so vulnerable and open with my girl and all my friends. I used to keep most things to myself because I didn't want to bother others with my problems.

That motivates me to go even deeper into it.

Just reminded me when she told me how sexy my vulnerability is.

Edited December 2, 2022 by acidgoofy

[Grateful Dead]

I'm trying to keep up my healthy routines and not fall behind too much in my studies during this darkest time of my life so far.

In a way, I know that all of this is happening to break me open so I can reach new depths of love/consciousness, but yeah, it's really fucking hard.

It feels like I've lost everything and I'm slowly dying in every moment...

[Grateful Dead]

I love myself for loving so fearlessly with all my heart, even though I know it will all blow up in my face.

And I'm thankful that I have friends I can talk to about anything.

 

[Grateful Dead]

I'm really starting to understand why so few people actually grow up and become real men - it's insanely painful.

[Grateful Dead]

Amid all the chaos, I had a cool awakening in the ice bath.

I became conscious of the untouchable nature of consciousness. Basically I realized consciousness cannot destroyed or harmed in any way. No harm is possible, it is perfect.

 

[Grateful Dead]

Much healing is happening these days. It feels like something beautiful is rising out of the darkness.

2 days ago I entered a new depth of god realization. Just WOW! It came out of nowhere and the uniqueness and aliveness of this experience completely blew me away. So raw and true I can still taste it.

[Grateful Dead]

So much happened over the past 3 months... I think I cried more in those 3 months then I have in my entire life combined, and it's not like before I held back my tears. 

Life completley destoryed me and there was literally nothing I could do about it. Yet even in my darkest hours I never lost trust in God. As I write this I realize I should recognize my growth more often. As I said in my first entry here: I keep underestimating myself whenever I face a challange. This will change now!

4 days ago I started media fasting again. That means no more Youtube, Facebook, movies, Netflix etc. for the next 6 months. I can already feel my mind becoming more meditative. Podcast, music and this forum are allowed but also restricted.

I'm still not 100% sure what to do with Allison... I know it must have taken a lot for her to get back in touch and tell me these things, so I want to honor that in a way. But I don't really want to reconnect either because it would feel like a step backwards. However, I still think about her every day, but it's different... I think the best thing to do now is to do nothing, just let go and see what the future might bring. I've said what I wanted to say and I've stood up for myself and kept my self-respect, so what's left to do?

It's really wild how radically my state of being can change from absolute despair to an ecstasy that has been exploding in every cell of my body for the past weeks. I feel better and clearer than ever, but I found myself clinging to this state. So I'm going to do an LSD trip tomorrow, I think then I'll know where I stand. 

[Grateful Dead]

Consciousness is like a gift that keeps unwrapping itself for eternity

[Grateful Dead]

My colleague has died. She was a beautifully graceful woman who I looked up to in many ways. I liked her very much, we had a lot in common. She had so many stories to tell and knew so many different people from all walks of life

Although I mourn her and cry a lot, I'm not really sad. I am full of Love. I am connected to her now more than ever. I feel her presence and it comforts me. I love you Irmi, thank you for always being so sweet and gentle. I feel blessed to have spent this time with you.

 

[Grateful Dead]

I'm so happy right now I got my favorite internship in an institute for systemic thinking and coaching. I will attend countless expensive workshops, classes, therapy sessions, etc. there.

This feels like a gift from the universe, but I deserve it too. 

The guy who interviewed me was pretty conscious compared to ordinary people. I think he noticed it in me too, after a few minutes he said he makes decisions quickly and offered me the job. After that, we just chatted casually for about 20 minutes.

This feels like an important milestone for me to actualize my life purpose.

[Grateful Dead]

I didn’t think that this summer could top last years. But it definitely did

I love you

Since my last enlightenment, everything just merges with consciousness.

A very long process has come to an end. The flower is blooming. The Portal is open..

A fresh new beginning in every moment. I'm here

Yesterday someone I respect very much told me that I am by far the most positive force in his life and that I basically made him who he is today. This wasn’t the first person to say something like this to me, but it’s the first time it’s really meant something to me. I don’t let my ego get high of it, but it has made me realize that I need to be even more conscious in my interactions. My brother already told me a few months ago that I should be more careful when I talk to people because they take me very seriously. Now I understand what he meant, it’s a great honor and I will respect that.

Then, on my way home, I crashed my bike into a woman who was riding her bike. My body hurts and it’s probably going to cost me some money, which sucks. But still grateful that it’s not too bad.