No ego to have a relationship?

[youngshinzen]

I just came back from a meditation retreat and the peak experience was the realisation that a wall full of fear is preventing me to feel a deeper connection and love towards women. As I asked the wall what it’s there for, "it" answered: "to save you from heaven". Heaven meaning the loss of ego and living as one with everything in absolute peace, which at first glance sounds nice, but showed me that behind the wall there is no identity which I can live as to have a functioning dualistic relationship with a woman.

During the retreat someone told me that the different ego stages of a child during pregnancy can be underdeveloped if there were stressors in that certain stage. For me it definitely feels like I missing this deepest and last stage of ego identity to feel this love (abscence of fear) towards a woman, while still having an ego.

Do you have ideas on how to build that missing structure so that before I go through this wall of fear and lose my ego I can experience a deep relationship as a self?

Thanks to everyone contributing input.♥️