Danny Bowdad

Lots of pain

1 post in this topic

So, I find out yesterday my older brother has pretty nasty lymphoma, in his bone marrow/blood as well.  He started chemo a few hours later…  he’s going to suffer greatly. 

I’ve lost a few close family members recently- Dad, sister, close aunt.  I used a lot of heroin in the late 90’s, early 00’s, so I’ve experienced a lot of death, or death related activity’s.  My dad and sister’s deaths were rough, but I really wasn’t super close with either.  Actually, I’ve never lost anyone that I was super close with. 

This all changes now, I am going to loose the person I love the most. Of course I knew that someday this would be the likely case… but I never considered that it would be soon, or that he might suffer. 

Chuck (Richard) is the best person.  He’s  lived with a slew of serious metal illnesses, like Tourette’s syndrome, Schizophrenia, autism and bipolar.  This gave him a curious view of the world, he truly doesn't have the ability to “judge” others, the way that I do.  He is kind, considerate, helpful, loving, and intuitive.  

By worldly standards Chuck doesn’t have much. He has no idea that he should want much, part of which, is what makes him so awesome.  The thing about Chuck is that he will, and always has, loved me unconditionally.  He didn’t care that I stole his 20 dollars, or went to rehab 10 times. He just loved his little brother anyway. Watching him suffer will be the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. 

He was the only sibling that was in my life daily, from the beginning- we survived our mom’s 3 marriages, our dad’s 4,  lots of shit, lots of crazy shit.  It is my privilege to have a person as great as Chuck in my life. It will be hard to say goodbye. 

Thank you Actualized.org , it’s also pretty incredible to experience this kind of thing from a higher perspective.  I can zoom out… see the infinite love, infinite truth, right there, happening, in front of my eyes.  I can bask in the melancholy, or (awa-rea?  Spelling=)  noticing the impermanence of everything.  I can know that he’s not really going anywhere… where in the hell could he go!?!  

I can know we have never been, and never will be apart from each other, in reality.  I can see the perfection and beauty of his life bursting into existence. 

Thank you Leo  


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