Dealing With A Breakup

[Actualized Disciple]

As the title suggests, I am dealing with a breakup and it has been bothering me. I don't know exactly what I am looking for here, perhaps the advice that i would be wise enough to give myself if I was not so distraught.

 Me and this girl are about the same age and doing our own things in life, she works and I am going to college. We have been dating for almost 6 months. I would say we have an "independent relationship" but then again... given all of my feelings maybe it was more of a "dependent relationship". I didn't want it to be, and it definitely did not start dependent. We have had our ups and downs in this relationship, and both sides have made mistakes. I think our biggest issue is a lack of trust, and a lack of respect/consideration. Which again,  the relationship did not start this way. These big problems grew over time. There are many problems that we have especially lately and there seems to be a lot of finger pointing, and a communication problem for sure. I have made a few bad calls earlier in my relationship such as talking to other girls to feel secure about my options and even talking to other women in our more serious fights with an intent to use them as a rebound. Over the course of our relationship these needy, desperate kind of acts subsided, and my girlfriend claimed to accept and forgive me for these things, as long as I promised to be more faithful. I never cheated on her per se, but i can see why she was bothered so deeply by me having potential "backups". Recently, it has came to light that she has not forgiven me for these things and actually (on/off) wants to break up with me for these things I have done in the past.  She insists that I have been cheating on her and all of her friends think that as well, and they encourage her to leave me because they "Know" i am even without proof. I think she knows that there is no proof of "cheating" and appreciates that I have been honest with her about the past, but still cannot forgive me for them. The problem there is that she is flip-flopping what she wants literally every 2-3 days. It has been like this for the past week and a half.

So my partner does not trust me, basically at all. Regardless of my progress in this relationship. I have problems with her too, for example, she always wants to go out to the bar and may/may not have a drinking problem, that is like her main goal to entertain herself... I have a problem with that because she goes with people she has had sexual relations with before and (she as well as I) have came from a very slutty past. I do not try to control her (i feel) but i have told her probably more times than i should have, that it makes me uncomfortable. But, i do not feel like this issue makes me want to break up with her. Lately, my goal in our relationship has been to keep together, and I do not know why. I feel really hurt when she expresses that she doesn't want to be with me every other day, because then the next day we end up talking and agreeing to work it out. For example, four days ago my girlfriend admitted that she did not forgive me and that she was using all these "cheating without cheating" reasons as an excuse to dump me and that she was preparing to do so for days (keep in mind these events were over 5 months ago). Then three days ago she had changed her mind and decided to forgive me and we saw each other and got dinner and all seemed to be fixable and on its way... Then like clockwork two days ago she broke up with me over the phone while i was at drill for the military and went out to the bars to spite me (she admitted that was her goal). Yesterday, we met up and talked and she wanted to stay the night with me at my place, we slept together and expressed our love for each other and I thought "this is the last time, we are good now". Today she decided this relationship wasn't worth it at about 7pm.

 

If nothing else i just wanted in a community that i feel welcome in. If you actually read all that I applaud you. Back to the point, I am fucking sad. Because i love this girl and allowed myself to become vested in her and believe in her and in myself, but I cant keep it going. It seems like im always on the defensive and everytime she "wants to fix it" i get suckered right back in, because honestly, tats what i want. i want to be with her but she wont let it happen (smoothly anyway). That is why i think i have become codependent. Any advice is welcome, my friends havent been much help lately. My parents have been very supportive and given great advice, but its hard to follow when i am so upset. Any advice on dealing with this breakup, making myself happy, or letting somebody that meant a lot to me go please share. Thanks

[SFRL]

8 hours ago, Actualized Disciple said:

As the title suggests, I am dealing with a breakup and it has been bothering me. I don't know exactly what I am looking for here, perhaps the advice that i would be wise enough to give myself if I was not so distraught.

 Me and this girl are about the same age and doing our own things in life, she works and I am going to college. We have been dating for almost 6 months. I would say we have an "independent relationship" but then again... given all of my feelings maybe it was more of a "dependent relationship". I didn't want it to be, and it definitely did not start dependent. We have had our ups and downs in this relationship, and both sides have made mistakes. I think our biggest issue is a lack of trust, and a lack of respect/consideration. Which again,  the relationship did not start this way. These big problems grew over time. There are many problems that we have especially lately and there seems to be a lot of finger pointing, and a communication problem for sure. I have made a few bad calls earlier in my relationship such as talking to other girls to feel secure about my options and even talking to other women in our more serious fights with an intent to use them as a rebound. Over the course of our relationship these needy, desperate kind of acts subsided, and my girlfriend claimed to accept and forgive me for these things, as long as I promised to be more faithful. I never cheated on her per se, but i can see why she was bothered so deeply by me having potential "backups". Recently, it has came to light that she has not forgiven me for these things and actually (on/off) wants to break up with me for these things I have done in the past.  She insists that I have been cheating on her and all of her friends think that as well, and they encourage her to leave me because they "Know" i am even without proof. I think she knows that there is no proof of "cheating" and appreciates that I have been honest with her about the past, but still cannot forgive me for them. The problem there is that she is flip-flopping what she wants literally every 2-3 days. It has been like this for the past week and a half.

So my partner does not trust me, basically at all. Regardless of my progress in this relationship. I have problems with her too, for example, she always wants to go out to the bar and may/may not have a drinking problem, that is like her main goal to entertain herself... I have a problem with that because she goes with people she has had sexual relations with before and (she as well as I) have came from a very slutty past. I do not try to control her (i feel) but i have told her probably more times than i should have, that it makes me uncomfortable. But, i do not feel like this issue makes me want to break up with her. Lately, my goal in our relationship has been to keep together, and I do not know why. I feel really hurt when she expresses that she doesn't want to be with me every other day, because then the next day we end up talking and agreeing to work it out. For example, four days ago my girlfriend admitted that she did not forgive me and that she was using all these "cheating without cheating" reasons as an excuse to dump me and that she was preparing to do so for days (keep in mind these events were over 5 months ago). Then three days ago she had changed her mind and decided to forgive me and we saw each other and got dinner and all seemed to be fixable and on its way... Then like clockwork two days ago she broke up with me over the phone while i was at drill for the military and went out to the bars to spite me (she admitted that was her goal). Yesterday, we met up and talked and she wanted to stay the night with me at my place, we slept together and expressed our love for each other and I thought "this is the last time, we are good now". Today she decided this relationship wasn't worth it at about 7pm.

 

If nothing else i just wanted in a community that i feel welcome in. If you actually read all that I applaud you. Back to the point, I am fucking sad. Because i love this girl and allowed myself to become vested in her and believe in her and in myself, but I cant keep it going. It seems like im always on the defensive and everytime she "wants to fix it" i get suckered right back in, because honestly, tats what i want. i want to be with her but she wont let it happen (smoothly anyway). That is why i think i have become codependent. Any advice is welcome, my friends havent been much help lately. My parents have been very supportive and given great advice, but its hard to follow when i am so upset. Any advice on dealing with this breakup, making myself happy, or letting somebody that meant a lot to me go please share. Thanks

You have done nothing wrong here. Yeah sure you talked to some girls. Well this girl of yours goes out drinking with guys that she had sex with.....

Man if you would not show her that you got some options as well she would not take you serious at all. She would consider you 'not on her level'. So to me you have done nothing wrong and everything right. 

She is no innocent little angle herself. (Which does not necesairly mean she is a bad person.) But man if she goes drinking with these dudes she has had sex with she better quits that if she wants you to stop talking to girls. 

On the part that her friends tell her to break up....Well let me ask you this: Are these friends single? Yes they are?! Wow!! Big guess!!  

People will tell you to tell break up. Now sometimes a break up is for the best, but a lot of times it's a piece of non-advice. If that break-up is going to happen it's going to happen anyways. 

You have not been together that long. 6 months is not long. You are still in that stage where you just know each other and the chemical reactions are over the top. I think over time certain relationship issues tend to ease out because the chemical reactions flatten out more. So people can think more reasonable and clearly. 

Now you talking to these girls that may not really be the full reason she wants to break up. There may be other factors. Or other things in your behaviour that she would like to see changed. So maybe you should try a different approach. You did show her already you are not to be pushed around and got options yourself. (It's the best thing you did in my opinion.) But now maybe try a more caring approach. You are 6 months in so if you want the relationship to transition, develop, and move forward try to be a little more boyfriend and a little less sex machine. 

Now another thing is if this breakup goes trough my advice is to start seeing some of those girls you have been talking to. 

Edited January 25, 2017 by STC

[Actualized Disciple]

@STC Thank you for the support. I know better in my head, sometimes I just loose the way. I appreciate your advice and think I am going to stick to myself instead of getting suckered back into the relationship. It's dong more harm than good. I suppose six months isnt as long as I wanted it to be

[SFRL]

1 minute ago, Actualized Disciple said:

@STC Thank you for the support. I know better in my head, sometimes I just loose the way. I appreciate your advice and think I am going to stick to myself instead of getting suckered back into the relationship. It's dong more harm than good. I suppose six months isnt as long as I wanted it to be

Yeah well man if a girl goes out drinking with guys she had sex with I don't think I would want to deal with that.