Preety_India

Diary of a sexually repressed girl

134 posts in this topic

Now I'm complete with all of my characters and I feel full. 

All these characters appear at different points in my life and give me what I want. 

Chayne I love you 

Rupert I love you 

Wilbur I love you 

Reece I love you 

Mae'rr I love you 

Trenton I love you 

....... 

I'm a deeply vulnerable person. 

................ 

All these men are irresistible to me. 

I find them attractive.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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Maybe these characters will give me the emotional support i need to overcome my difficulties. 

 


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Chayne Rupert Wilbur Reece 

Mae'rr Trenton they all love me deeply. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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I feel a deep sense of loneliness. It bites me. 

I feel like I am lost in this sea of people.. 

I feel extremely lonely. The feeling is very close to one experiences while going through death 

 

It's like dying slowly. It can be a killer. 

Sometimes I feel like it's better if I die than suffer this loneliness. 

It feels like I'm staring into Hollowness and it eats me slowly. 

 

 

How can I describe this feeling with an example? 

 

 

I feel like I am trapped inside a deep hole and I'm screaming and nobody can hear. And without food I'm slowly dying. So I'm screaming as loudly as I can and still nobody can hear me and I'm all alone. 

 

That's the feeling I get everyday. 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Chayne is so lovely. He gives me this protective home feeling 

 

 

Rupert is a kind of man I would like to marry. I always wanted a man who would discipline me. He is that way. He understands my weaknesses and flaws and instead of ignoring them he tries to actively challenge wherever he can to make me understand how things work. It's like he wants to know me inside out. He brings out the vulnerability in me.. 

 

Wilbur

Wilbur brings out the strength in me. 

 

 

Reece 

Reece is someone who loves to hate me and hates to love me. It's a different kind of love. He keeps me company on cold nights. Reece is mysterious. He has this psycho side that also feels protective sometimes. 

 

Mae'rr

He wants me to be on my toes all the time. 

 

 

 

Trenton 

And Trenton is the sweetest cutest messy hottie.. He brings out all of my girly feelings. 

 

How are they sexually with me? 

Chayne is almost platonic. I can't think of sex with him. 

 

Rupert sexualizes me and responds to my most primal carnal  desires. He makes me animalistic. He brings out that inner s*t in me. I want to control but he tells me to let loose. He makes me feel owned. 

Wilbur is lovely and affectionate and helps me become a better version of myself. 

Mae'rr is probably the most masculine of all he is rough and tough. He is quite tall, 6 feet and a compact body. He overpowers me easily. He gets stuff done and takes no excuses. 

Reece would probably be extremely sexual with me. He would simply get too absorbed into pleasing me. 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Yea because he is attracted to me and then he feels like taming me sexually because taming me sexually is a sort of victory for him. 

After all he is taming a high strung uptight girl like me, for some men that can be a joy, a hunt, a stimulation, they won't feel like taming boring girls. 

There's that. 

 


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What I'm looking for 

  • Trust
  • Intimacy 
  • Connection (deep) 
  • Sexiness 
  • Vulnerability 
  • Emotional connection (repeated point) 
  • Domination (too much to ask for) /challenging/grounding 
  • Surrender 
  • Containment 
  • Masculinity
  • Understand/maturity 
  • Alignment and harmony 

It's not just sexual satisfaction. 

 

 

He needs to compromise on his Masculinity. 

(good in bed as well as listens to me) 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Not much is expected out of a woman. 

What is the test of her love? 

The test of her love is that she is into you. She wants you, she is attracted to you, she gives her heart and pussy to you. She is loyal to your affection. 

Feminine surrender basically. 

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes

Yes 

Yes 

Yes 

Yes.. 

Trenton says yes. 

 

What is the test of his love? 

The test of his love that he surrenders completely to her femininity and protects her life long becomes her husband and protector. And of course aligns and harmonizes with her. 

And compromises on his Masculinity in lieu of her femininity. 

Of course he should be able to do this naturally and effortlessly and efficiently because he is madly in love with her. Or else he will find it difficult to do this. 

That's the real test of his love. If he is madly in love with her and deeply connected with her, no way in the world would he deny anything she wants /says. 

He might surrender to her in the beginning but over time he won't be able to continue this act.. 

But the man who is drunk in pussy juice, and just wants his woman really bad, and absolutely loves her will have no problem in granting her wishes, in fact he would be more than happy and glad to do it for her because he knows it will make her happy. That's a true lover to her. 

 

 

 

The moment a man says "I", he stops being a true lover. 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Yeah

You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way

But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Am I your fire?
Your one desire
Yes, I know it's too late
But I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way

Now I can see that we've fallen apart
From the way that it used to be, yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know
That deep down inside of me

You are my fire
The one desire
You are (you are, you are, you are)

Don't wanna hear you say
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake (don't wanna hear you say)
I never wanna hear you say (oh, yeah)
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Tell me why
Ain't nothing but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to hear you say (never wanna hear you say)
I want it that way

Tell me why
Ain't nothin' but a heartache
Ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never want to hear you say (don't want to hear you say)
I want it that way

'Cause I want it that way

 


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The Backstreet Boys, never pass up an opportunity to sing their little lungs out.

This song originated in such a way, whilst ordering some burgers (and milkshakes) at their local Burger King.

One of the guys, oh, lets say the one with the....er...um....glasses...YES THATS it, was ordering for everyone and saw another persons order and sang "I want it THAT way"

He really LOVES his burgers, bless his soul, and pretty soon he got carried away and started getting all mushy and junk.

"You are, my fire"- a referencing to the 'flame broiling'
"The one, desire,
Believe, when I say
I want it that way"


Apparently one of the other guys, oh lets say the one with the.....uh....goatee, didn't want it "that way" and they started to sing argue.

"Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a heartache,
Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a mistake,"- "mistake" was originally "milkshake", turns out he was lactose intolerant"

"Tell me why,
I never wanna hear you say,
I want it that way "


Yeah, it almost broke up the band but good ol' Lou (Pearlman) was there to make things right (and eat up the leftovers). He changed a few words and the rest is music history.

And you thought they didn't write their own songs ::tsk

 


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Look what they say about you Preety. 

This isn't about an offical relationship between a man and woman. It think it is about when you love someone who doesn't really know you love them. You are wanting to reveal your true feelings for them, but you don't know how they feel about you or how they will react.
This explains the:
"You are, my fire.
The one, desire,
Believe, when I say
I want it that way." The man is secretly in love with the woman and is saying he wants her and only her. He wants it to stay that way. The only way that could change is if he gets rejected. They are "two world apart" and he can't "reach to her heart." So, he is keeping his feelings to himself at first. He is afraid if he tells her how he loves her "that way" she won't love him "that" same way. She may not feel "that" same way about him. This is what it means by:
"Am I, your fire?
Your one, desire,
Yes I know, it's too late,
But I want it that way"
"Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a heartache,
Tell me why,
Ain't nothin' but a mistake,
Tell me why,
I never wanna hear you say,
I want it that way"
The girl and him are not together but he want to be with her. He wants things to be one way but they are both living is two different worlds and there is no guarantee that she wants things "That" way.

He is in love with a woman but he doesn't want to get rejected. But, she may not feel the same way about him. Regardless if she wants things the be the same way he does he will still continue to love her and want things to be "that" way even if they never will be.

 

 


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Why do you constantly keep saying sorry? 

 

 

I'm too crazy.. You can't handle me anyway. Handling me is no joke. I'm difficult. 

 

 

 

Don't be sorry for me

 

 

 


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Your Masculinity attracted me to you. Not my fault. 

Oh my God we're back again
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
We're gonna bring the flavor show you how
I've gotta question for ya
Better answer now

Am I original? (yeah)
Am I the only one? (yeah)
Am I sexual? (yeah)
Am I everything you need?
You better rock you body now

Your penis is so good it makes me wet, you see.. I wish Trenton would do that to me in the back of his car.. 

I got the taste of you Trenton. Haha.. 

 

 

It wasn't my fault that you were walking with a heart balloon. I only happened to turn around and get a good look. 

 

6cza99.gif

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Just thinking about Trenton makes me feel so good. 

We fight. We clash with each other. 

But at the end of the day, he truly cares about me. 

He challenges the heck out of me. Tells me stuff that I don't wanna hear. 

Goes after me when he finds if fit. 

He criticizes me quite an awful lot. 

Yet I don't mind it. 

This is the base of our intimacy. 

He and I have made this pact together that we are one no matter what.. 

He calls me selfish sometimes. Attacks me 

Then calms down.... And guilts himself and apologizes. 

All I need to do is be sweet to him. 

These six characters are kinda okay or enough. 

I don't need to invent a new character for every new event. 

A character can easily compromise for a new event at least temporarily although it can taint the general vibe or description of that said character but this is better than inventing a million characters. 

Whats the imagery that comes to my mind when I think of Trenton? 

That we love to do drugs together. Psychedelics I suppose? 

I don't know. 

Trenton loves weed a lot. 

He smokes all day although I don't really appreciate him smoking weed. 

Trenton has bunch of cats. 

Oh God. Now that's a Huge attraction for me. 

A dude with cats!!!!! 

I absolutely adore cats. Cats are my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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One of my greatest fears with Trenton is: what if he rejects me? 

 


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Should I constantly live in this fear that Trenton might reject me? 

What happens when we have a huge fight and he goes after me and then avoids me completely? 

I'm thinking about this 

Are unhealthy relationships a Key to a successful life? 

Because there's romance after all. There's connection. There's understanding and then..... There are fights. What to do? I can't solve this mystery.. Of course there are ups and downs in relationships. 

Does it mean that there will be loyalty in a relationship? 

How would I know if he is gonna be loyal to me? 

Some relationships can be very Rocky 

Yet they can be meaningful in the sense that they allow room for strong intimacy, absolute Vulnerability and deep understanding. It's like you know this person has you figured deep down. 

I think one of the tests is that the fights need to fade away to create a true bond. 

If the person is acting lame, then fuck it. 

I mean at the end of the day what carries a relationship forward is passion to be with each other. 

This passion is rare. 

So my verdict is... Trenton is not for the long term. I constantly fear he would leave me. Just on a whim 

 

Much depends on the Masculinity of a man and what he wants to create with it 

If Trenton is true, wouldn't he put more effort into solidifying the relationship? 

The thing is no matter how unstable Trenton is and whatever maybe his pitfalls he will still try to solidify the bond because deep down he isn't going to betray. 

He wants his woman and he will try to keep her. It's the male Version of "keeping the man"

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Is it written in my destiny that I should spend the rest of my life with some bipolar guy? 

Why, because my mother is bipolar? 

I mean this Trenton is bipolar. He loves weed and cats. And he is crazier than I am. 

He is sometimes sweet with me and sometimes pissed off with me. 

He blocks me. Then unblocks me. Blocks me. Then unblocks me. Then gets paranoid about me. Writes and then deletes. Ya I know pure bipolar. 

I know I have been with those types. Joseph was bipolar too. 

But they handle me somehow? 

And why the heck I'm always gravitated to this bunch? 

Trenton is always ranting at me. 

Then he will be sweet with me once again and kinda forgive my trespasses. 

Oh this thing is making me crave for him again. I simply can't resist Trenton. 

I want him so badly. 

Sometimes I just wanna kick him for attracting me in this way. 

Why do I like him so much? 

I know unstable relationships don't work. Yet the dynamic is simply too hard to give up. 

He is so sweet to me. 

His autism???? 

There's that. Trenton has autism. So that makes him even more special to me. Because autistic people love me, they get me, they aren't fake. They are like psychics. They just get it when nobody else does. 

Why is my destiny tied up like this? 

That I see the fruit hanging just inches away from my mouth and I still can't have it? 

I love this bond that I have with Trenton. 

I adore him. 

I adore how he truly relates to me and understands me. 

Yet I don't think him and I will last and that's the sad part. 

Because a part of me wants that we last forever tragically, peripatetically, spiritually, eternally, through all the ups and downs and still somehow salvage something and manage to love each other karmically.

 

Oh God, yea there is that spiritual and karmic thing. 

 

When someone loves you karmically 

You just know it. 

You just know it. 

You just know it. 

You just know it. 

You just know it. 

...... 

He loves me karmically. 

 

 


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Trenton character is based on the guy who I used to date, who is an  American guy, he used to like cats and he used to do weed. He lived in Washington. He was handsome and tall. 

I dated him for a while and our relationship was a roller coaster although our intimacy was great. 

We had great sexual chemistry but he never fucked me because we were living away and his living arrangements were always uncertain. 

I always felt like I had a karmic connection with him. 

He was/is bipolar and autistic. 

He was into drugs and psychedelics 

 

I lived in Washington for a while. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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Ok now there's competition between Trenton and Rupert. 

I like both. 

But I think I feel a karmic connection with Trenton 

Whereas with Rupert things are easy. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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But your heart is beautiful and you can do this. 

 


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