I Wanna Live I Wanna Love, But It`s A Long Hard Road Out Of Hell.

[Alphaomega]

They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the
ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's
always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why
am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, "Search for
Paradise.

I`m Daniel and this will be my journal in my search for paradise.
Where do I begin? Leo said be brutally honest, document things exactly as they
occur, without any sugar-coating or self-censorship. 

Well, to put things into perspective, let me begin the day I chose life
over death. Those faint of heart might want to skip this part. My long hard
road out of my own self made hell started when I awoke up drenched in blood.
Like something out of a horror movie. I couldn't remember how this happened,
the pills and the whisky from the night before had really fucked me up.
I lay there thinking, let death take me.  "off to a good start aren't we?"

In my half dazed state I somehow kicked my laptop. A video by Eckhart Tolle
started playing, I remember his voice "this too will pass". He was right,
this however bad was going to pass.

My marriage had ended, I had been diagnosed with mild autism, and several
other medical problems, among them migraines, severe anxiety and near
debilitating joint pains. My relationship had until two years prior been
the kind of intense relationships you only hear in stories. She had
challenged me to a sword duel and if I lost I would have to marry her.
Suffice to say I lost that fight.

We lived in what seemed like a fantasy come life and had a son later on. I
had a position as lead designer at a multinational company and traveled
across Europe selling what I produced. The two last years of our marriage She
started pushing me away, and I her after being unable to reach out to her.
It got so bad I was anxious to even talk to her out of fear she would start
a fight or keep telling me everything I did wong. Nothing was ever good
enough even though I tried so hard I literally broke my bones doing chores.
I couldn't even look at her undressed without throwing up, because I felt
me wanting her and her pushing me away meant she found me disgusting.

So in my desperation for human contact I did the unthinkable, I had an affair
when i couldn't resist the flirtations of someone else. Thus I was cast out
of paradise as it were. Cast out like Lucifer down into my own personal
hell. Well my parents basement, but you get the picture. 

The next random video that started playing I guess you could say saved my
life in some ways. It was a line from Rocky.

I know this is turning into a wall of text, never the less I just need to
quote it, because it had such a dramatic impact on me. 

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine
and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough
you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if
you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't
about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving
forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning
is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what
you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing
fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or
anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!” 
― Sylvester Stallone, Rocky Balboa

I had a son, who still needed a father and something, something urging me on.
I`ll spare you the gory details Suffice to say, I`m alive thanks to knowing
how to sew. 

Since then I have conquered most of my fears. My anxiety is gone, my
depression nowhere as severe. I`ve learned to rely on myself. I returned
to my meditation practice, then yoga. Finally I started martial arts again.
I can heal migraines, headaches and even dull the sensation of pain to some
extent simply by meditating. I had a bad hip, the doctors said would never
heal, trough yoga I have regained almost full mobility and lost 50 lbs.

So, today I live on my own for the first time, with my cats in my own
apartment. I`m still struggling to get back to the design and illustration
business after being put on disability benefits. My health, while not
good is improving. I am doing things most people with my conditions were
told by their doctors they couldn`t do. 

So where do I go from here? 
Honestly I only have a vague idea. Being able to live off my illustrations,
experiance what else life has to offer.

Looking tough the other journals here I suppose I want some of the same
things, but they're not what`s most important to me. I really don`t care
about material things that much. While most people in her are driven to
achieve a specific goal my motivation is different. It's not some far off
goal. When you suffer so much you just can't stand it and you're willing to
do whatever it takes even die tying to get away from it.

I just want to be happy, every other goal is arbitrary compared to it.
Happiness doesn't quite cover it. Leos description of his enlightenment is
somewhat what I`m searching for, just different. 

I had an experience that lasted for almost a year. Imagine if you can,
being over joyed, filled with energy. You are so close to someone you
don't even need words. There is no negativity, all you can feel is a deep
love, acceptance and connection to every living being. The hearts of
millions beating along side yours. You feel their presence, without having
to judge or quantify, just a deep love for all that is. You feel, the wind
blowing over the leaves, moving the clouds, the ocean and every drop of
rain. You know for an absolute fact that everything bad had a purpose. All
the wars, disasters, genocides the nastiest thing you won`t even imagine
has a purpose. You feel no need to change, because you are loved and
accepted just as you are. You know there is no me, no you, no them, no it.
There is no separation. we are all one, yet at the same time, fragments of
the one looking back at itself and experiencing itself. If I could just
experience that just one more time. I would gladly give up everything,
words can't even begin to describe it.

So, by this time you probably think I'm insane, and I wouldn't blame you if
you did. 

So, let`s bring things back down to earth.

My main challenge is my lack of energy due to my Fibromyalgia and
following tough on keeping organized due to my Asperger's.
So yeah, an aspie doing self actualization, how`s that for irony?
So here's what I will achieve within the next year.

I`ve prioritized them: A must, B not as important, C would be nice.

A 

Murder my ex wife 

Goddamn it! Ok, lets start over...

A
Now! Be happy 
Feb Keep organized
feb Have more money 
Feb Keep good relations with, family, kid, ex. friends. (no shame)
mars Save 10k for a pilgrimage
Jan setup my studio.
juli Make an art portfolio for a con
Jan Make at least one digital or traditional painting a week
Feb Make two sculptures a month.
Jun Acquire an A3 printer

B
Dec Keep my car running
Jun Be able to keep up in  martial arts, increase my oxygen uptake.
Dec Lose 100lbs, get some tone.
Jan allow myself to chill.
Mar make peace with my unwholesome thoughts.

C
Mach Hold course for Specter 
Sept Get project Akasha running
Jan Sell car parts
Feb Sell consoles
Jul Acquire/ fix drawing pc
Dec Acquire gaming, media pc
Oct Celebrate my fucking birthday for once!
Feb Stop biting nails
Dec go on a retreat
Next year Master yoga to the point where I can auto filatio  

Every day:
Keep organised, draw, keep appointments, keep my spiritual practice (Yoga, martial arts, meditation, the eightfold path)
 

Edited January 13, 2017 by Alphaomega
I suck at slepping I mean spelling.

[Alphaomega]

The bloodied mach

Every step I've ever made, 
all my time spent pondering in the shade. 
All the battles I had to face,
has lad me to this place .

Self hatred burns deep inside, 
these are the feelings I try to hide. 
Battles fought far away, 
remind me I must face another day

I am lost and so confused, 
beaten battered and bruised. 
In the shadows, demons mock and parade,
they offer me the long forgotten blade.

And I know the march will be long and bloody,
and cut and burn its marks upon by body.
The price blood sweat and tears, 
thus is my journey through the years.

An oath sworn under moonlit night, 
never surrender, onward I fight.
In my dreams I was the one who left the ground shaken,
Deep inside a warrior waits to awaken.

[Alphaomega]

So, we're off to a slow start. Still sobering up after last nights party with some budds.
What? O_o You we're expecting me to go all Hare Krishna on you and addresses myself as his holiness and start levitating across the ground?

____________________________________________

I've started doing some home improvement.
Started my home improvement, redecorating and getting a system to organize my stuff. 
Set up my kinect, now I have a virtual yoga coach and workout program,
works great, a bit more fun than following along on video or doing them from memory.
 

Challenges that need to be overcome
Still struggling with the whole energy issue. 
Staying on track and keeping organized is still an issue.
Any tips there would be much appreciated. 

Experiences so far

Meditation and shadow work:
During my daily 20 minute meditation I have noticed my need for validation, security and in part my paranoia.
I have mostly sorted these out they stem from lack of emotional support. Odd since emotional validation usually has little value for me.
I normally respond to practical advice.
I`m using Byron Katies, the work and the Sedona method to release these. 

I`m working on changing and replacing several core beliefs and incorporating several techniques from: Leo, Gary van Warmer Dam, Teal Swan and Byron Katie. 

When it comes to meditation I use the Silva method 3 to 1 method as a preparation. It has proved quite effective for stilling the mind as well for specific visualisation and mental preparation. One of the biggest benefits of this technique is being able to visualize an outcome. Greater magick for those of you familiar with the occult traditions.  


Further plans.
When the 20th ticks inn my disorganised lifestyle is all gonna change.
Everything's going into a box based filing system like I used to have that should help a lot. 

it`s gonna set me back another K, but its gonna be worth it.

Schedule

Monday    art group

Thuesday  pro bono work

Wednesday wakkies, taekwondo

Thursday  judo

Friday    swimming group

Saturday  what ever

Sunday    sit on my ass

 

Goals for January.

Clean and reorganize in the following order:

Kitchen:
Clean
Sort the cupboards
Throw away excess crap
Stock up on cans

Studio:
Clean
Set up work area 
Go over bail out bag
Recheck home defence
Implement box storage

Living Room/lounge
Clean
Finish cable management
Set up a new "sacred space"

Barfoom
Clean
Fix the plumming
Stock up on meds /first aid supplies

Other

Allow myself to chill.

Sell car parts

Make at least one digital or traditional painting a week

Fix my sleep cycle

Keep my meditation and yoga
Start with power yoga and kundalini.


 

[Alphaomega]

Digital pointing for this week

[Alphaomega]

Since I`m adhering to the concept of balance in all things I've made a rule: no fapping unless it's  dark. 
I've also been reading a ton of self help and spiritual books.

[Alphaomega]

I will adhere to these precepts and keep a daily yoga and meditation pratice.


1. I try to avoid killing living beings.

2. I try to avoid stealing or taking things without asking.

3. I try to avoid having sexual contact.

4. I try to avoid telling lies or having harsh speech.

5. I try to avoid drinking alcohol or taking substances, which lead, to carelessness (alcohol, drugs…).

6. I try to avoid taking solid food after 6 o'clock Until sunrise.

7. I try to avoid  over indulgence in listening to music, seeing entertainment’s, wearing garlands, adornments, using cosmetics, perfumes.

8. I try to avoid sleeping on a high and luxury bed.