Is it really what I want?

[Nadosa]

Currently I am working as a nurse. It was basically something I have started because I felt pretty awful and just wanted to do something, keep going and not getting even more stuck. Turned out to be pretty much something I like(d) and I turned to a really socially open person.

Now, due to recent events of intense jealousy because of a friend who is the same age as me and has already started a business long ago, I went into a huge existential crisis combined with delusions and stuff. Dont want go further. Then the doubt started if I am actually stable enough to even live a life where I am able to do everything I want. Then "I had" some awakenings. Pretty painful stuff came to the surface. 

Now I dont know where to start. The spiritual path came without really intentionally seeking it. I just had to deal with things the way the appeared to me. 

I had some moments where I felt like: okay I am a nurse, what the hell prevents me from going further. I can actually become a doctor. I can prove that I am well functioning. I can prove to myself that I am able to do everything I want. 

Why doctor? I want to help people. And wanna be fully responsible for their health. I want to be a Doctor who has the empathy of a nurse and actually want to strengthen the bond between nurses and Docs. On the other hand, the social status plays also a big role...which maybe veils the Truth. The imagination of having the power to decide and stuff feeds the/my Ego.

Sometimes I doubt if I have even trust in myself for that, sometimes there is lack of faith in my mental stability, as I am prone to spiritual crisis and imagining myself to be responsibe as a Doc whilst doing spiritual work, makes me feel like I shouldnt do it. 

Now, besides, I have 3 music projects going, as a drummer. With one of my groups, I spent a third of my savings on a music Video production. Just felt right and we just flow through it like we have never expected. It just works in favour of us. And we enjoy playing.

I am torn between a conventional path and music. I enjoy both very much. But I wont get out of wage slavery that way.

I have some other things in mind, like for example founding an organization or a project where I reconnect (mentally unstable) kids or teens back to Source by playing percussion. Smth. like that. 

I dont know. I have also not really mastered and integrated any of the awakenings yet. I just cant trust myself to anyone or anything at the moment because it would actually just shift my focus away from what I have to do, which is obviously first seeing what I essentially am and get a good grounding in that and then act from that place. That's the reason I currently stay away from Girls and relationships, because it would all just temporarily veil the fragility of my life.

Any suggestions would be great.

I know, in the end it is my choice.

Ps.: Just signed up for the medical application test. I gonna give it a try.

 

Edited January 30, 2022 by Nadosa