i wanna stop being emotionally FRAGILE

[kag101]

whenever things don't go as i expect, i start coming up with worst case scenarios in my head. so i want to write about my current "pet worry". there's always a certain situation in my mind that goes: "Now, THIS, is going to fuc* me up". as if the thing that's gonna mess me up completely has finally arrived.

as soon as i overcome the problem, my mind treats it as if nothing ever happened, and start searching for the my new favorite worry. ?

 the goal of this journal is to write things that i'm currently spending my mental energy on. later on, i want to read this journal and go: "oooh... i didn't even remember that i was worried about that. what a dumb worry." or maybe my catastrophizing will happen and i can confirm that sooner or later, life is going to kick my ass. 

i'll also probably write things that are going my way.

[kag101]

current worries:

• college - are you F kidding me?
  • I had found a hybrid version of psychology, but my college is going to change all of that. FUCK. seriously, that pissed me off really bad. it was going to be great. i would get the benefits of going to in-person classes, but also would not have to go there everyday.
  •  
• dad has lost his job
  • he told me he's trying to become an entrepreneur, but i don't think that's going to work. on the one hand, the job he was at was too stressful, but i do worry about financial stability
  •  
• politics in my country
  • there'll be presidential elections where i live this year. and the scenario doesn't look good at all. dang =(
  •  
• getting bald
  • well, i know this is already happening. it just sucks. i wanna start making money so i can do a hair implant eventually. i used to love my hair. i feel like this is a big lesson on letting go. no wonder why the Buddha shaved his hair...
  •  
• getting fat
  • my weight is decent. it just that i'm stagnated in it. i've been reading a book called "Intuitive Eating". it's very interesting. it's against diet mentality. it's a more intutive approach
  •  
• getting neurotic on this journal
  • i have a tendency for getting too methodical. OCD type of thing.

 

things that are going well:

• relationships
  • i had a stop urge a few months ago to cut a lot of people off of my life. this was a really dumb decision. fortunately, i was able to get in touch with those people. and i'm glad i've recovered these bonds
  •  
• overcoming hypochondria
  • i start getting some sort of pain? OMG! this is going to get chronic!!!! i've been able to spot these thoughts, and have been able to calm myself down.
  •  
• not taking the burden of other to myself
  • i still am a sponge, but i've gotten better at not overwhelming myself with the pain of others. for instance, i worry that my lil brother is going to have psychological problems, because my dad scolds him too much. i used to get really affected by that, but now i feel like it's in a normal intensity. 

 

anyway, obviously there are other things, but i will write more in the future.

thanks for reading.

[kag101]

don't like the title of this journal

maybe just Emotional Intelligence Training or something would be better.

i like to reframe challenging situations in my life as an emotionally intelligence game. this way, i stop getting overly identified with the problem and i see it more in a neutral-playful way.

 

playing too much chess!

i have to diversify my hobbies a bit. i was trying to play checkers online, but almost nobody plays it

other things that i thought of doing:

- download & play crash bandicoot 3 warped

- play (and record) the piano more

- express myself artistically (maybe painting)

- find a book to read (i will start the book "Speak". it sounds interesting and not too difficult to read)

- make 10 minute session of organizing (deliberately short so that i actually do it)

- stretching & gentle yoga

so things like that.

 

two things that i used to care that now i choose to alienate myself from: politics & soccer. both of which were just pissing me off.

 

reflecting about my experience in this forum

it's crazy to think that i use this forum for over 6 years. i went through a big transformation. back in 2016-17, i was in a state of deep confusion, as if i was lost in a dark forest. i thought psychedelics & spirituality were the answer to my problems. nothing could be farther from the truth.

>> the freaking power of premium psychotherapy + premium psychiatric sessions is unbelievable <<

it's really expensive, but it's the best investment i could ever do in my life. i finally feel healthy once again. i feel like my true me again.

just working my way up the hierarchy of needs. it's really easy to forget about the foundation and try to reach the top. but without a solid base, everything's gonna fall apart

 

college's been good

i've been able to make some friends in my class, which is really important. because if i were to go to the classes just because of the classes per se, then it'd be depressing.

in a way, it's good that it took me more years to get into college. i'm 25, and i'm in my second year. i feel much more prepared to go through the college experience. i'm doing it because I want it. not because society tells me so.

and also, because my mental health is being taken care of, i can experience the challenges as for what they actually are, and not get amplified by 100x because of depression.

there are some other older students in my class but i don't feel like them tbh. i relate much more to the ones that are in their early 20's. but i do like to diversify the groups that i interact with.

regarding social groups, i'm polygamic lol.

 

i hope the hybrid modality continues!

there's been protests against this. my college basically wants that about half of the course will be through online real-time classes. to me, that's great. i feel no desire to go to the college every single day. i feel like by going there fewer times, when i actually go, the experience is heightened.

i hope this doesn't change, because it's been comfortable for me.

 

Edited April 16, 2022 by kag101

[kag101]

fear of losing my intuitive eating "superpower"

my eating has improved greatly. i finally feel like i'm at peace with food. i'm much more attuned to my inner cues.

that said, yesterday i made an apple pie. tbh, it didn't really taste that good. but for some reason, i couldn't stop eating it. i put some Oreo in it. it was weird to feel bloated after about 4 months.

because i have been at peace with food for a relatively short period of time, this overeating kinda felt like a yellow sign. i fear losing control. at the same time, i feel like if i keep doing the time-out exercise, i'm probably fine.

i am against the diet mentality. at the same time, i don't want to have an eating style that makes me feel uncomfortably full.

so i decided to throw the pie away. it wasn't like: "oohh... it's a forbidden food". no. it's just something that i was eating that i didnt really like it. it's like going out with someone that doesn't make me feel good, but for some reason i keep insisting. it has a twisted pleasure, but it's no fulfilling. quite the opposite, it makes me feel sick afterwards.

one very important factor in intuitive eating is to avoid eating in auto-pilot.

i'll see how things go in the next days.

[kag101]

I haven't posted here for almost a year. I thought of opening a new journal, but I don't think it's needed. 

I have to be honest: i’ve been feeling kind of lazy to write journal entries. So what I’m gonna do is focus on writing shorter ones. 

I don’t know… problem is, as soon as I finish writing, I don’t think it’s worth it. And I’ve done this mistake in the past of not being concise or posting cringey shit,. But fuck it… 

Let’s go to some random thoughts: 

• I used to fear artificial intelligence. Well, it will rob the job of many people. But in my case, I think the most important thing to do is to not fear it — but to embrace it, to work WITH it.

• i’ve been seriously considering going to a rheumatologist. I have some persistent pains in my body, and I think going to professional (at least once) would be a smart move to find a solution to that. I think it’s worth the investment.

• I’ve improved in organizing my room, which was something that I was not doing well last year. I’d say it’s improved from a 3/10 to a 5.5/10. In other words, it’s pretty decent. Problem is. I’m not very good at maintaining it organized. as soon as I finish organizing, but kinda falls back into its homeostasis. But what the hell, progress is progress.

I think that’s enough for today.