Ramblings

[Thunder Kiss]

Just a ramble about the past 

 

When I think of my times as a teenager Between the ages of 14-17 I feel shame and fear.  I was easily influenced by friends and used to pretty much do what I wanted secretly and my mother was always oblivious and I would never get in trouble or disciplined if I was ‘bad’  She would just be in denial about it.  My dad worked away and even if he was home he wouldn’t get involved with me.  I went downhill fast in Highschool, living a very stage red life, skipping school and drinking and occasionally doing drugs.  I used to smoke cigarettes and hash out of my bedroom window.  One time my mother found the home made can ‘pipe’ and simply just told me that she was disappointed in me, and then confiscated it. but then that was it, swept under the rug.  So I just did it again and didn’t care.  

When I think of all the situations I got myself in ‘in secret’ without any adults knowing I feel afraid at how vulnerable I was and how anything could have happened to me.  For example getting really drunk or staying out all night.  I remember all those times having a ‘bad feeling’ of not wanting to be in those places but still going out of boredom. It was early 2000s.  I would get away with alot of things because I was a polite and quiet kid.  I was never disruptive in class I was just misbehaving behind the scenes.  Double life.   Acting innocent on the outside but drawn to the dark side of life.  I feel some regret at being that way and wish I’d had some guidance, but I really felt invisible and didn’t care about stuff.  I hated school and just wanted to leave as soon as I could.

God I wish I’d had a mentor or someone i could open up to, but I kept everything to myself and had no clue what I was doing.  I felt really lost back then and I’ve carried that lost feeling with me my whole life.

[Thunder Kiss]

I was so disconnected from my parents.  I forgive them.  I don’t hold any anger towards them.  Only feel regret at my own choices.  I feel like it has always been me, making decisions, alone, since being a kid.  I’ve always had trouble with decision making. 
ive always been so ‘in my own world’  

I believe I had signs of ADD, but being a girl in the 2000s, that wasn’t a thing.  Only unruly boys were diagnosed.  During class I would basically be tranced out the whole time. 

attention deficit - deficit of attention.  Meaning lack of attention. it stems from not getting enough attention from your caregiver, trancing out and disassociation used as a coping mechanism.  It’s easier to zone into your own world when you already feel invisible and unseen.  

if you don’t get enough attention as a child counterintuitively, you will lack that detail as an adult.  
If you don’t get enough attention, you might also ‘act out’ to try and get what you are starving for, but too afraid to ask for.  

Edited January 13, 2022 by Thunder Kiss