Moving out of father's house and into a car

[CodyXarex]

I was going to write a very long and lengthy post about this until I realized it revealed too much personal info and was way too long, and probably should just be a journal entry instead.

Long story short, I tried moving out of my father's house to someplace really hard without a vehicle, and even though I managed to lock down a job, an apartment, and a way to and from work, I got too stressed out, and in one moment, I just...Pussied out and went back home.

Weird thing is, in this hard place that I was barely making it in, I felt alive and determined every day. Ready for anything. And having my own private space that I have complete control over so I know where everything is, can get ready for work in 15 minutes, sleep, eat, and jerk off when I wanted to without guilt and fear of being interrupted, and having all of my free time in my own home all to myself, was one of the best experiences of my life.

Well I've been back home with my family, and I've been on drugs ever since because I'm just so depressed and anxious all the time, and the drugs probably aren't helping.

I use coffee to compensate for not getting enough sleep because of my shitty living situation and having to work 12 hours a day, but then I can't fall asleep at night so I used CBD and THC for that, but that can cause me to fail a drug test and ALMOST cost me a job, so I stopped that and started using Benadryl. But then I started having fucked up dreams, still felt tired and on edge all the time, and more depressed, started having memory issues, in a constant brain fog, and it's a nasty drug and I really fuckin' hate drugs. So now that I've got a job I've gone back to CBD even though it might make employment difficult once I leave my current job. Which I like, by the way. It's the best job I've had yet. Pays the best so far, too.

I don't like drugs, but if I had to choose between only getting 4 hours of sleep three days in a row and having a mental breakdown, and doing drugs so I can hold down my job and keep saving up the money that I need, I'll choose the latter.

It made me realize that, living with my family, is even more of a hell than I had previously thought. It's gone from being, "annoying but I'm used to it", to absolute hell.

I was, and still am, considering just investing in a giant tent and setting it up in my father's backyard and living out of it until I think I'm financially ready and skilled enough to venture out West or even return to where I left, but some part of my brain is like,

"What the fuck are you doing? You're putting a band-aid on a flesh wound. You need to leave NOW. Leave now while your car is running well-enough. While your family isn't weighing you down with TOO big of an obligation (because you know it's coming). Even if you DID manage to live more healthy out of a tent in your father's backyard, it still doesn't solve all the other issues that you face here.

It doesn't fix your non-existent dating and social life here in MS, the fact that you can't relate to people here and that there's not any single, attractive, high-quality women who are your type here.

It doesn't change the fact that every weekend there's some family social gathering that you're gonna feel obligated to go to. It's not going to change the fact that if you don't go, you're gonna feel guilty, and if you DO go, you're gonna have to deal with your mother's husband even though you'd rather avoid him like the plague.

You've been in worse situations. You've camped outdoors in the wilderness for two weeks at a time, you've been enslaved twice (kind of, another story), You've been in a ghetto trade school that's ran like a prison, you survived your traumatic childhood, you've spent a month living in one of the most dangerous cities in the world and managed to lock down a job and an apartment there, you can handle living out of a car and working a job.

And you're a welder. You can land a job wherever you choose within a week at the latest and make more money than most people your age. The only difference between quitting your job and leaving now vs quitting and leaving 2-4 weeks from now, is that you'll have a few extra thousand dollars, which you'll get anyways when you land another welding job wherever you go! Yeah you can save up for a better vehicle or something, but if you're living out of your car or a tent, you can do that anyways elsewhere! Going now doesn't stop you from doing that, in fact, it will ensure that you remain mentally sound-enough to see it happen, and not end up in a loony bin, or dead. You can't help your sister if you're crazy or dead.

Dude, fuck this shit, quit your job, go out West, and live out of your car, or if possible, a tent. You already have to sleep in your car sometimes just to get good, drug-free sleep. Just go."

A part of me wants to give my two-weeks notice tomorrow, make a couple extra Ks, and then leave.

Part of me wants to at least apply to some jobs first.

Part of me thinks I should stay where I am, build up a few more resources, and then leave once I can start trying to work for myself or try to stay for six months to repair my work history, even though most people lie about theirs.

Part of me wants to leave now, before I change my mind and get scared and stuck like an aunt of mine.

And the only thing that's making me hesitate, even though I know I can take it, is having to live out of a car. Unless I go out West and setup a tent on some BLM land.

What do you guys think? Is there anything I should know ahead of time?

Edited December 26, 2021 by CodyXarex

[Preety_India]

What city is MS

Stop doing whatever you're doing. Whatever drugs you are doing, that's super unhealthy. You're taking a big risk on life. Total self abandon and neglect 

 

Stay with your parents even if it costs personal freedom. 

Do a local job. Save enough. Move to a high paying job if possible. 

Then you can start living in rented housing if you consistently maintain a job. 

Keep learning new skills to get better work. 

Also a forum can't solve your issues. These are things that you will need to fix yourself. No advice can give you financial independence, it's something you gotta work at yourself.. 

Your core issue is financial independence. It's up to you how you build your life. Nobody can help you with this. It's cruel and harsh out there especially for core survival. 

You have to try multiple jobs and save up money. Also you need a proper sleeping place. All these things won't work. 

You have to work on your sleep and your eating habits because health is a core factor for work. If you can't have decent health, you simply can't work. 

 

 

Edited December 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[CodyXarex]

@Preety_India I don't know about giving up personal freedom. I might still do the car and tent thing but stay in the area at least.

But I do have a good job already that I'd honestly prefer to keep...And a place to practice my trade skills on my father's property...And if I went someplace else I'd just be doing the same things I'm doing now.

Okay maybe if I can carve out some personal space and personal time for myself I can do without friends and a dating and social life while I work on building a skillset and career. I guess I just get so tired and burned out I get blinded and lose my patience.

As for the drugs, I'm only taking CBD now, but am working on getting myself to the point of not needing it, but that I'm a little less willing to budge on, that's kinda my medicine. But THC and DPH and all that, yeah fuck all that.

And yes of course a forum can't solve my problems ? but I just need someone to check my sanity sometimes, like you've done for me, which I appreciate.

So how do you deal with your own personal frustrations and anxieties?

Edited December 26, 2021 by CodyXarex

[Preety_India]

@CodyXarex

1 minute ago, CodyXarex said:

So how do you deal with your own personal frustrations and anxieties?

I vent my daily personal frustrations and anxieties in my journal. This is hugely helpful because I refer to it from time to time and I get some insights on what I Can do about it. At least it helps me be aware of my problems and keep a track on progress. 

Do that. Give up all drugs seriously. Live a Clean life. You got this. You can do it. You are feeling helpless, it happens. 

Develop a grit and savviness that you will sleep without any drug, work hard on self control and self confidence. 

When your life is on the line, you will do everything to save it. Get up and get going. 

Pull up yourself by the bootstraps before it's too late. It's time for action and no more dilly dallying and no room for mistakes. 

Stop abusing your body. 

Take action to save your own life. Nobody else will do it for you. 

And you can do it. 

 

 

 

[CodyXarex]

@Preety_India You're so sweet, you know that?

[Preety_India]

@CodyXarex stay well and happy holidays and be strong. 

 

[AdroseAkise]

@Preety_India Your new profile picture is just perfect, much better than the weird avatars you had before.

[Preety_India]

@AdroseAkise that's my selfie I took on Christmas, haha. I was too self conscious about using my own picture, I thought people would judge my appearance. Then I felt like maybe I can just give a try. 

 

[CodyXarex]

@Preety_India You seem pretty cute to me, not to be weird or anything. Not need to hide it.

I don't use my profile picture for privacy reasons, but maybe that's just me.

[Preety_India]

@CodyXarex aww thanks.