Contemplation, just somehow expressing...

[Nadosa]

At first there were two. It felt like one died - I believed it was me - I thought I died - Memories are clinged to the unfinished transformation and the "dying" self.

I am here and now. Who is here now? It is me. I am currently observing how memories and thoughts spiral around "me" that apparently "died", I can just look at them and can see them for what they are. They bring up a huge wave of confusion, the story around it feels like "I am not supposed to be here", I cant deny the feeling, it is there and is hella confusing, it is a fear but also worry and doubt about not being "a normal person". I know what thoughts can cause if not remembered what they are. just thoughts, tho they also feel like somehow time related: the more time passes, the more the "I" of the story gets confused about its death and being still here, it is like a letting go process of "me". 

Questiones arise: was the story ever real? I mean it was experienced and still has been very vividly experienced for 4 years now. I can also say that it would be not wise to suffer from it, because it's just thoughts playing their game. Yet the feelings feel so "dying, letting-go of-like", like as if a part of me died long ago, that I sometimes hardly believe it's "just thoughts" but maybe there is something else playing inside of me. 

I know going inside of the story doesnt help much, feeling the story doesnt either - it cant be resolved, only seen for what it is.

In the end I will let go either way...because I love life too much...Maybe I am already whole?

Edited December 21, 2021 by Nadosa