Nihilism, "pushing through all layers", anti sociality, "lack of love"

[lmfao]

So I've done a lot of contemplation, just living life (although my life is bad habits rn), shifting mental states 

I've been trying to deconstruct stuff, sometimes it's just in the back of my mind if I ignore it. For example I was contemplating and poking holes in love and connection, saying examining the logic of such people and talking slowly about it, carefully 

You can look at my signature for some spirit in me 

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So, what I realised is that some anti sociality bursts happen in me, and when u sit in that feeling of power, the ego wants to take credit. (thanks David hawkins) 

The ego is a knot in the stomach, mmmhhhh right there, its like a grindstone of pain 

It contrasts my teenage personality of feeling unconsciously controlled (by others) , being polite and passive,*

Interestingly enough though I don't even think I was passive as a person if my memory right now is an indicator (maybe controlled in certain ways which were intolerable to me upon being seen, but other people don't realise. It was passivity integrated and subtle, but nonetheless forged me) 

*So I calm down, slow down, and just try to let go of the tension. I've neglected myself into depersonalization and animal brain mode, where it feels in a bad way (not enlightenment way) that what you're doing isn't you, so I'm going to just consume the material world to heal hopefully

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I was making this post in case anyone else can relate to this chase and conflict with nihilism, maybe you're at stages as well as not knowing what to do when you've gone down it so far. God bless 

Edited December 15, 2021 by lmfao