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My (hopefull) Rebirth

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My mind is unhealthy and overwhelmed right now and has been for a long time, experienced too many traumas, never learned to accurately manage my emotions .

I now have to use psychiatric medications daily to be functioning and am diagnosed with a Personality Disorder ( Schizotypal), nevertheless I enjoy my job which is quite fulfilling I help the poorest of the youngsters in our community finding jobs etc...

But otherwise, I have outputs of suicidal thoughts, paranoia and terrible social anxiety, I am now 21 years old and I want to stop thinking I'm a victim and going forward .

I also used to have anger outbursts but due to my empathy it was pretty soon that I made a plan for distracting myself from anger and thus not being violent which I am not anymore (my plan is as simple as isolating and meditating when I feel that my emotions go too bad) .

But I don't want only to be functional I want a full and actualized life so I'll consider this journal as a track for each small step I take with the goal of becoming a healthier more conscious loving and compassionate person .

My first plan is to start meditating daily and to find the motivation to stop smoking weed with tobacco, I already stopped cigarettes, only vape and lower my nicotine until I'll stop vaping, I'd like to vape my weed too instead of smoking it but such gear is expensive .

I think meditation and working against my addictions may help with my anxiety and given me back enough mental space to actualize and become a better person .

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Always have a terrible time waking up due to my psych meds (diazepam, mirtazapine and valproate) and I did not feel like going to work, this reminded me of so many other times I felt I could not wake up, got angry for nothing, and finally going to my job and enjoying it so I didn't b*tch about the particularly  hard wake up .

I wonder a lot about wether or not I should stop those meds and trip on psychedelics again but I feel like it would be a bad move since I use the same sites that sell benzodiazepines and dissociatives which are pretty addictive and I am prone to addiction so for this year I think I'll stay on medication . 

I like to practice mindfulness whenever I can and I can in the public transportations or in the few times I have nothing to do like at lunch but I found it really difficult to remain as conscious as usual when I had to multi talk which was exhausting but rewarding in the end .

Sadly like most days when I came back from work I smoked weed and while it has some both pleasant and interesting activity, it is quite an addiction for me and I feel like it really hurts my motivation and makes me unnecessarily unsure about reality . For exemple, I can meditate but can't do concentration exercices or practice my guitar, I feel no motivation for it, weed kills my will but I keep enjoying it like a fool... this has to stop .

Anyways, I feel more and more sure everyday that my life plan should be to be an educator, social work really seems to stimulate me and I like that I think I'll be able to pass most tests unit stuff is kinda easy for me since I love to research for myself so I'm glad my job seems to fit me and my carrier plans quite right . 

Edited by Xochiquetzal

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