Abuse and Desperation

[Gianna]

How can people want from you when you have nothing to give? When you are so depleted your entire body shows it and yet they still show up to drain you. You can be living in a shack with a cardboard sign across the front door that says, "I have nothing to give." And yet, they will stop by wondering what they can get. You see why I say they are stupid? The worst people are the ones that show up with something to give you. Because they think, "If I give, then I can get." You see why I say they are selfish? As if you wanted anything in the first place. As if you had something to give in return. All you want is to be left alone but they can't hear this. That would be absurd. Where would they go with their abuse?

You can be so explicit as to put up a sign that says "don't knock," and yet they will knock. You see? People only see what they want to see and only hear their own desires. It doesn't matter how verbal, literal, direct, or aggressive you get. Some people can't understand what they don't want to understand. How can I get you to hear me? I guess the only way to stop an abuser is to find the abuser in yourself. Why else would you be creating this reality? It's tricky because if you believe someone who has abused you, in that exact moment you have abused yourself. Now you're in a reality where people abuse you because you abuse yourself. All because you believe one little thought that says you deserve it. Now it's done. You're in a disgusting cycle created by your own doing. It's way easier to start these things than end them, isn't it? It's not just your mind you have to figure out, it's every cell, organ, emotion, and thought you've ever lived with. So what do you do?

I can give them everything I don't have. Maybe I can give them all of my hair that has fallen out. I'll tie it in a little bow and they can wear it around their neck. They can take it with them and feel like I'm always there. Maybe this way they'll stop feeling so alone. I guess that's the second thing we have in common after desperation. I feel alone because they can't hear me and they feel alone because I close the door on them. I'm desperate for them to leave and they're desperate to stay. What a beautiful contrast except it's not a contrast at all. It's just one thought. Repeated, over and over and over again until you finally decide to wake up. What a painful way to go.