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Striving for more

Same shit, different place, Self hate

4 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Just deleted my 2 posts, pointless. 

I hate myself, the card I was dealt.

I hate life, it just sucks. I'm so tired of life. I might just die soon.

I better fuck this receptionist. 

I think that would just give me enough morale to carry on with life.

i hope it happens, felt some sexual chemistry, she asked me questions & giving me discount. 

I hope it happens tommorrow but I gotta hide the neediness.

Fuck it I might just try it when she cleans my room, then if it's awkward no your creep or im married ect.. Ill just fuck off to a different city. 

Still miserable & alone. 

I know I'm being victim (I think I am), there's probably solutions. 

Im just so tired & then alcohol & bit of cocaine too much sugar now coffee now messed up my neurotransmitters. 

All I'm feeling is self hate. 

I have to at least go Bi polar. 

If i can switch on the supreme delusional self love confidence then for sure mature latina more likely to suck my dick then if I act how I'm acting now. Pathetic I know, its just the neurotransmitters, hopefully I'll save myself & reallign myself. 

Constantly comparing myself to others again just the neurotransmitters. But I always been hypercompetitive deep down I gotta win, I gotta win every scene every place I gotta win the girls I gotta win the money I gotta win the resources I gotta win the attention I gotta win. I gotta win the money & gotta win the police & gotta win the law & I gotta win. 

I win or I die, I can't take average. 

Edited by Striving for more

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SOSOSOSO Fucking tired & I probably need about 1000 hours sleep to catch up on. 

Thoughts SOSOSOS Fucking pointless & I've wasted thousand hours in pointless thoughts. 

Have to just solely focus on regaining energy. 

But the temptation to hit club could kill me again. 

Club & no number no scores I gotta keep my pride save time & leave go sleep. 

Hit the club early hit it quick try it on with the girls expect rejection likely if it happens leave leave leave. 

don't stay there till 4 am go there 10PM 12 am leave leave leave. 

Wake up early busines bussines business. 

If i have to be incel ok but DON'T be a broke incel again.

I did well to save & invest money but I'm spending it fast fast fast. so so so fast fast fast. 

Its called misery spending. 

Being such a needy bitch keep walking in to stores buying stuff cos the girls hot, then I try say " I like your camisa" or something she get pissed off like go away no chance never no no. 

Go get the money the bags please hurry up no time to wast go go go .

Recover & go go go. 

get the money the bags the nmoney bags go go go go.

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Had 12 hours sleep last night. 

Still got about 900 more hours to catch up & need to wake up earlier...

But good start.

NOW >> I MUST STOP "SPENDING" (Throwing away) MONEY 

I had this insight in the shower : every time I buy a beer, coffee, go restaurant, buy chocolate, cigarette, overpay for water bottle ....

It's like I'm litterally giving them money. Why the fuck would I do that? 

Only a lack of self - respect I would do that. 

If I buy a kettle and box of green tea bags it's an investment >> Increased BDNF for life because bags are cheap & kettle will last months. 

If I spend 3 euros on tea then that's just dumb > 3X7X4 = 84/Month >>> 84/Month in crypto could easily be 2-3X > 250/Month lol 

I've done this logsticial / logical analysis before. 

But no amount of reason & rationality is enough. I have to protect my neurotransmitters, can't be overwhelmed with these painful emotions.

It's a hard competitive world and every one is out for themselves, I can't be acting like a little bitch & spending money on fudge. 

In fact, Ima go into the hsop right now and tell that guy "you can't have my money", Ima walk to every resteruant "you cant have my money I eat berries & lentils I'm not paying 10 euros for a tiny little processed meal bitch fuck you

No I won't actually say that, but this is it. 

Spending goes away. Investing starts. I can't end up homeless or in some 

I just don't know how to get this feeling out of my chest. It's this feeling that makes me procrastinate, makes me spend. This emptiness. 

I don't know if I can go club again because it sort of ruins me, I feel so awkward, I don't know how to "just enjoy myself" when all I want is to meet a nice girl, but of course I project this & it's obvious, I go alone & I scan the room, and I pay money just to enter hoping I'll meet someone. 

This neediness is so feminine. I need to purge it away. I just don't know how. 

I just need to keep reminding myself that if I get rich I can have everything I want, especially if I become valuable person too, people will be more drawn to me. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Fuck man my thoughts are so negative ... What happened? 

I felt like the boss a week ago

And I remember seeing this beautiful latina girl at a bar ... she was staring at me. 

I don't think it was the look per se, but the aura I was projecting, the aura of excitement, novelty, courage, knowing what one wants, sociability.

That charisma has now dissipated completely ... and man I still wish I talked to her. 

She's the only attractive girl who has shown me clear non verbal interest,  and to be honest I remember her like the was gods gift, she looked like the ideal girl I dreamed about couple weeks ago. 

Anyway, I am lost right now.

Edited by Striving for more

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