Trouble With Developing Intimacy

[Joe Zhou]

Hi,

I am having difficulty on developing intimacy with people.

According to my observation, I have never developed any intimate relationship in at least 7-8 years. By intimate I mean good friends, contact very often that sort of intimate. I never made friends that I can keep contacting, talk about stuff . Not with women, not with men neither.

The pattern of my communication with people in general was, once until I knew a bit of their background, general life, I could not find anything other than professional study subjects to talk with. I could talk with professional people about subjects in depth for very long, but that's like a consultation. I had no problem give other people consultation about subjects I know of neither. The result was: I get very good at finding someone to consult with, and people actively consult me about things, but I am missing a whole area of intimate friends.  

I do meet girls I wish to develop intimacy with, even just as good friends. I wished to be able to have conversation naturally with them. Then again, once I knew the basics of them, like what work do they do, their interests, etc, I just can't advance. I had exactly the same issue with males, it's just that I didn't care as much.

It seems like I had conflicted interests: On one hand, I deeply desire intimacy. On the other hand, I just don't care about people and what they do in their life. I felt bored out by people countless times. I felt the stuff they do are impermanent and eventually won't matter at all. So what if my friend gets married, have kids and tell me stuff about their kids? I just could not see how that matters. Even if I had shared interest with someone, such as a movie, we just never gets time to sit down discuss or even watch it together. Everyone is so damn busy with their own life, all the little issues such as work, appointment, kids... It seems I should just get busy on my life and shut up.

Then again, I see people who told me they were busy, just make up time for their other friends. So people are not so busy that they really have no time. I'm just not important enough to them for making up time. And I just stay at that level.

There must be some limitation in my mindset causing me unable to reach higher intimacy. I think this limitation has nothing to do with knowledge in professional field, which I just kept working hard on. But I simply can't figure out the limiting belief.

Edited November 24, 2016 by Joe Zhou

[Franz]

Quote

I just don't care about people and what they do in their life.

There you go. You probably dont feel much empathy towards others, and they reflect that.

Try to care by fully beeing with someone, no judgements, give them some room inside your awareness.

Even try to "be them", just pretend you can read their minds, after a while you will get a feel for body language,

facial expressions, where they look and how they look at something etc. You will notice things about them that spark

your interest, and questions will pop up naturally. If they say something you dont care about, steer towards something else,

or give a really short response.

Look at another beeing without needing anything from it. Once you stop looking for something, you notice what they have

to offer themselfs.  

 

Edited November 25, 2016 by Franz

[aurum]

You're protecting yourself in some way. This stuff about others people's lives being unimportant is a smoke screen.

Look for fear. When do you feel afraid? That will give you a clue where to find the limiting belief.

[Joe Zhou]

Thank you guys for sharing your insights. I went back and talked with my close friend about this issue, here are some my own answers to the question.

1. Yes, my parents were never intimate, that did reflect on me.

2. Yes, I had an urge for approval.

3. I had many unresolved life issues without action plan. Because I felt my life was a mess, I was anxious about myself all the time. Seeing others doing okay only puts me in a more intense position.

4. I never tried to cultivate fun in life. I was so hardcore on solving problem, making progress, like fighting a war. The truth is only I see life as a war. Nobody else thinks this way, so I am always the intense one. I cannot relax others, and of course will drive away people who are more relaxed than I do. I attract more issues to be solved. Law of attraction.

 

the most practical solution is to cultivate intersts in life, write down action plans for unresolved issues, so that I get to relax.

It's not what I say that matters so much, but more of the overall feeling I give people. It really all depends on how I feel. 

If I am still at war with life, then there will only be comrades and enemies, win and lose. But if I can see life as a game and play it , there can be more fun. 

The limiting belief is that I am fighting for something. When I need to fight, I reflect lack, desperation, scaricity. 

Intimacy only happens when people relax and drop their masks. That's what I see.