Trusting Insights During Meditation?

[Anlib]

In my my resent meditaion session I got the insight that I don't give a fuck about my familymembers and that a big part of my childhood was i big fat lie. My mom put me into soccer when I was 6 and I played it till I was 14, I HAVE NEVER LIKED SOCCER? Even tho it has been a pretty big part of my identity. I always tell myself that I like my childhood friends but I actually don't. I see how the manupilations I have accounterd by my dad, he give shit to me but NEVER any emotional atunement, but how I still have attatched to him because otherwise he would be angry because of lack of appreciation. 

 This might be an overexaturation, but still.

Altho if the people around me would stop all the comtact with me I think I would start to "love" them again... haha

[Leo Gura]

@Anlib It's not a matter of trust, its a matter of self-honesty.

You know when you're honest with yourself about an issue.

The above sound like genuine insights. But be careful about how you assign meaning to them. Be careful about your emotional reactions to insights. And be careful about judging or blaming others. This path is about taking 100% responsibility for everything that happened in your life.

[Anlib]

@Leo Gura yeah it can be hard to blame others for the patterns I have created. What do you mean by being careful with the emotional reactions? In the form that I get angry and blame others?

 

[Anlib]

And what would be thw worst meaning I could assign the the insights above? @Leo Gura

[Anlib]

The only reason I posted this post was the get aproval of leo, and so that Leo can answer this question. I don't give a fuck about any other answer in this forum. I either don't care about Leo. The only reason I like Leo is because he has said things in his videos that makes me feel good about my life. And the reason I think this is to get all the fucking shit out of my life. And the reason I write this is to feel superior. 

The only reason I have developed a charming/humor is to manipulate people in my life and because of deeper emotional issues I had in my childhood. I don't give a fuck if the people around me having a good time. All i care about is me. My dirty manipulative ego that don't give a fuck about anyone. I could not live without my lies.

my whole body is shaking now, and the reason I wrote that is to make Leo say that it is a part of the spirutual purification and that it's healthy for me.

And the reason I wrote that is to feel good about myself. 

Now when I post this, I see myself getting honored by the forum, for being such a radical honest person and seing  several people liking this post. 

The ego trap is fucking insane. I AM SUCH A CONCSIOUS PERSON. That was i lie and that was a lie and that was a lie and that was a lie and that was a lie.

[Anlib]

I am now obsessivly waiting for Leo answerimg my question. I have looked up LAs timezone so he should probably be awake soon because the time is 06:25 in LA. I am not writing down the truth brecause of truth. I am writing it down because it benefits me. 

[Anlib]

Real personal development might just mean develop mastery over manipulating circumstanses in your life. It seems that's the only choice I have. You can't manipulate with high awareness right? It would feel empty,  which is the same emptiness you think you fill when you manipulate people.

[Leo Gura]

@Anlib Good, keep practicing self-honesty like that.

Get very REAL about what you're up to in life, and why. Keep turning the focus inward, especially when the mind decides to turn the focus outward through projection, blame, bitterness, criticism, distraction, etc.

[Anlib]

What do you mean by REAL in this case? To continue self honesty as you said in the frase above? Or do you mean life purpose?

When you said that I should take 100% responsibility for my emotions, wich I almost never do, it helped me getting much more real with my agenda. But when im practicing this it's really like taking of the mask and seing the psykopath face underneth it all. I just wanna scream as tho none of this was my fault. It's really hard to be mindfull on how I create the anger and such in this situation, because my whole fucking body tensed up as I wrote the things above, my heartrate increased and it was a wierd sensatioin my body. And my mind went insane, as this is your profession you probably understand what I mean. And it's also hard to be mindful because so much of my effort goes to revealing the lies. 

 

But I can ofc go back after being self honest and work on it

 

Edited November 19, 2016 by Anlib

[Anlib]

On 2016-11-19 at 7:45 PM, Leo Gura said:

@Anlib Good, keep practicing self-honesty like that.

Get very REAL about what you're up to in life, and why. Keep turning the focus inward, especially when the mind decides to turn the focus outward through projection, blame, bitterness, criticism, distraction, etc.

I get what you wanted me to realize.  The main objektive is raising awareness and go through all the stages of development and realize how I lie in every stage and how the lies are creating suffering for me, the higher developed I become, the healthier my ego/lies become.