My Meditation Journey So Far

[Xpansion]

I thought I'd share with people some insights into my meditation journey. It may or may not help others with understanding their own journey.

Im in my late 40s now and I begun dabbling in meditation in my early 20s. I was using a lot of recreational drugs at the time and having an amazing time going to lots of parties and meeting people but after the parties finished and I went back to my day to day life I was deeply unhappy. I begun searching for answers. I meditated only  very sporadically at the time. I decided to get away from the party scene that I was so caught up in and clean up my act. During this time I was meditating more often but still sporadically and practicing Qi gong.  One day at the beach I had an experience of complete absorption. It felt as though I lost my sense of self and I blended into nature all around me.  I was high for days after that and I have never been able to forget it. It kind of opened my mind to the fact that there was more to everything  than meets the eye.  I always thought there was but to have a direct experience of it was mind blowing. It was like a sign post. However, I didn't continue meditating and my old  patterns and habits, self limiting belief system, maladaptive defense mechanisms etc all remained in place and I still felt very stuck and unhappy. Happier than when I was taking drugs but unhappy nonetheless.

 It was only 6 years ago that I made a decision to take meditation more seriously and since then I have meditated every single day twice a day for 45-60 minutes in the morning and then again in the evening. I practice vipassana meditation in the style of Sayadaw Mahasi. I begun attending residential silent retreats only 1 year ago and have been to 2.  I also begun attending local Sanghas and reading a lot of Buddhist material. I have found learning Buddhist teachings immensely helpful.

What has occurred over this last 6 years is not what I expected.  It has been transformational but not in the way I thought it would. I had perhaps naive expectations that I would meditate and somehow all my problems would miraculously go away and I would become unstuck and be happy all the time. What has actually happened though is that meditation has brought into my awareness just how unhappy I actually am. It's like all my shit has been stirred up and now I get to look at it and deal with it. So it kind of had the opposite effect and I felt even more unhappy but this has been a really positive thing which has pushed me to grow. It has been really painful and although at times I have felt like recoiling in horror and discontinuing the practice, instead I have kept on going.    Coming face to face with my inner demons has driven me to search for ways to deal with them. One of the more recent ways has been finding this website and beginning Leos course. Another way has been by beginning regular psychotherapy and delving into my painful history.

I have been crippled by fear and racked with self doubt my entire life which has led to living in survival mode instead of thriving. My background is one of childhood and young adulthood trauma and so I ended up becoming very paralysed and living in an overly precautious almost neurotic way and never fulfilling my dreams or having any sense of purpose. Instead I have been stuck in self defeating and self sabotaging patterns of behaviour and procrastinated for many many years always deluding myself that one day I will do what I really want to do. Overtime this has led to a level of self loathing because there was a lack of understanding and insight into what was actually happening. I spent a long time like this and the years have flown by.

Without meditation which has taught me how to understand the workings of my mind a bit more I would never have been able to understand any of this because I would just have lived my entire life going from one distraction to the next. Distracting myself from pain and perceived/imagined threats to my survival. But instead I have begun to be aware of it and begin to have some insight into the ways I which I react to, avoid, and shy away from discomfort, difficulties and the inevitable pain of life. This in turn has helped me to unravel the messiness of my life.

It is a lifelong journey for me. I am far from being fully self actualised but I feel I am on the path now and heading in the right direction. Some days I still feel lost and in pain but Buddhist practice continuously steers me back onto the path. It's a continuous  evolution. Moving back and forth from awakening to sleep and back to awakening.

So I feel I have matured in my practice from wanting some special, exciting blissful effect or eternal happiness and freedom from problems to one of more self acceptance. Acceptance of the pain inherent in life aswell as the joys.  It has been a subtle and slow change and I have questioned myself many times about why I do it. The alternative is to stay asleep, stuck wandering around in the misery of samsara. I would rather spend my entire life really struggling to understand life and striving to become all I can be.

 

 

Edited October 28, 2016 by Xpansion