In A Weird Space Of Fully Believing In Myself While Being Totally Unsure Of Myself

[chjangounchained]

I'm here to express, not to receive solutions bc this is not a problem, not to be judged or labeled crazy or prescribed a psychiatrist. Just here to express bc this act in itself is a step toward my evolution.

I attended Mystery School. Mystery School is a school covering the realm of the mysterious. Aristotle, Plato, and other philosophers in the past have erected Mystery Schools before they were stomped out of existence by St Justinian who wanted to spread only Orthodox Christianity. These schools went underground and exist today in small pockets around the world.

In Mystery School, I received my keepership by a spiritual master. My keepership is called "Keeper of the Consciousness of Mankind." This role means that I am to guide Man into the Golden Age of humanity, to raise the collective consciousness adequate enough to sustain ourselves on this planet without destroying ourselves first. It's quite a big task.

I feel like I'm supposed to take center stage in the world-class arena eventually in order to carry this task out. I know that I am capable of fulfilling this role later in my future. The gap though right now is that I am nowhere near the level I need to be in order to grow into this role. I don't yet have the public speaking skills, the level of advanced consciousness, the body awareness, the ego death, the whole breadth of requirements needed to perform my soul's duty on the world-class level which means I have not been successful (yet) at attracting the network or audience to receive me.

I'm 27, an Asian American girl, and can hear audible, distinct English words out of white noise. In other words, I hear voices. I have only recently come to terms with this "gift" a year ago. These voices instruct me to meditate 3 hours a day in order to embody my Higher Self and thus tap into its wisdom. I struggle to meditate for 25 minutes a day.

So this is my dilemma. Knowing I'm meant to be something more while being aware of where I stand now.

[Xpansion]

So you don't want solutions but you just want to express yourself.  If you're not open to receiving any support or help from others it's kind of no surprise that you find yourself in such a dilemma. Relying on voices in your head that are telling you to save the world doesn't sound like a great plan.   It's good to do something positive for the world but to believe you are some kind of chosen saviour sounds more like you may have a slight god complex.  I know it's not what you want to hear and judging by your post you will most likely blow off what I'm about to say but I think some therapy will help you to realise the errors in your thinking and accept where you are at rather than cause yourself suffering because you are craving to be something and somewhere else.

[chjangounchained]

What's the error in my thinking? Are you assuming that I solely rely on imagined voices? Are you assuming I have not opened up to others?

I don't see value in going to a therapist because it's costly and don't want to be prescribed medication because I am fully functional but I do get value in talking to my friends. My dilemma is that I am not where I want to be yet, given where I am now. Leo's video about being patient has helped me accept that progress is a slow and steady climb to the top of the mountain, and I am pacing upwards. My suffering is defined by the growing pain, nothing more.

[Xpansion]

You made a point that you don't want "solutions". This translates as not interested in advise or opinions. Sure you may have opened to others elsewhere but you made it clear in your post that you weren't interested in doing so here but instead wanted to just express your dismay that you are not where you wish to be in regards to your 'centre world stage saviour role'.

I had a look into these so called mystery schools and have to say it all looks a bit culty. Jaden smith is a fan which isn't a good sign.   If all they have done for you is fill your head with stuff about how you're a chosen saviour and so now your actual life is clearly not matching those ideas and you have this gap between what you actually are and what you think you are meant to be then all it's doing is causing you to suffer.

It's great to want to contribute something to the world in a positive way but to think you're going to save it,  be some kind of "keeper of consciousness" or "guide mankind" into some apparent "golden age" is going a bit over the top. It's no wonder you are lost and unhappy putting that amount of pressure on yourself. Is it possible for you to just forget these unrealistic lofty ideals and maybe start small?

By the way therapists are not only for "crazy" people. They are a useful tool in sorting out ones life. Sorting out reality from delusion. Not for everyone but useful nonetheless.

[chjangounchained]

Do you have experience with a therapist? I will consider that avenue if it's truly valuable but my life's not in need of sorting and I'm not suffering from anxiety or depression. If to you I seem deluded in my beliefs of grandeur, then I'd argue that in order for anyone to reach some moonshot goal, they'd need to fundamentally believe they can achieve it. And I fully believe I'm capable of reaching my goals.

My problem is in self-discipline, keeping myself motivated, and carefully following an execution plan to achieve the big goals. If I were to prescribe myself, a life coach or mentor are more appropriate than a therapist.

But you're absolutely right. Collaboration is key to success and the whole is greater than its parts. In this regard your feedback is helpful.

I also didn't give enough context in my brief writing which inevitably causes readers to fill in the blanks themselves. This too I will take as constructive feedback from our interaction.

And finally, what I find not constructive if your judgment about my personal experience, because you simply weren't there.

I just wanted to be heard. My feelings witnessed. Thanks for hearing me out.

[Xpansion]

I sincerely wish you well. I hope you achieve what you aim for. What concerns me with all this personal development stuff is that there seems to be little emphasis on kind and gentle self acceptance. Accepting where and who we are. There's always some big goal post to get to and this can lead to feelings of inadequacy and defeatism. We have to remember life is a process or journey. We are all going to the same place in the end. Enjoy the ride. ?

Edited October 18, 2016 by Xpansion

[chjangounchained]

Thanks! I'm looking forward to achieving my big goals as well. However, it doesn't mean that I'll get frustrated if I don't achieve exactly what I set out for. In fact, what my past experience has taught me is that nothing ever turns out the way you imagined it initially. But looking in retrospect from that new height, you realize all along you've been moving forward and growing, ending up on the summit via a different route than intended. That's been the case for me, and I'm okay with that. Yes, I hear what you're saying that many people fall into the pits of defeatism before they even get started. I think that's another excuse for not getting started and it's where personal development helps. Here's the best of luck to both of us on our paths.