What to do when you have exhausted all ways of staying motivated?

[regularusername]

This is a post about some of my failures, a few things I have tried and experimented with and a bit about my success as well as myself. I am seeking guidance and assistance because I am quite lost right now despite knowing exactly what my dream is: doing what I do best which is computer science, have good adventures with my friends and love deeply. I cannot live without all three but at this time it feels as if all three at the same time are impossible.

 

Failures

I have failed to meditate each day and do concentration practice as I have set out to do each year. I am fatigued almost all of the time. I am being mean and towards people and I am constantly irrational because of my feeling of fatigue-ness?. I sleep about 7 hours each night, I vary the time I go to bed because of my girlfriend and also because of me of course. I am not pointing the blame even though I'd like to. When I sleep 8 hours I feel good, I am not a monster but after meditating 1000+ hours I just feel empty (not in a depressed way). I partly feel like I am at peace and partly feel like I am missing the thing that makes life... life.

I have failed in many ways and I still have not found my fire despite fighting for many years. I know what my life purpose is: I am very talented with computers and I am on the verge of creating multiple amazing, life transforming products and services that will help people all over the world. But I cannot finish them because of reasons mentioned below.

Things that do not work for me (to motivate me and get me to do the hard work in life):

Pushing myself even though I do not want to

For example if I do not want to meditate each day one hour I push through anyways but it never gets better and eventually it becomes to energy draining and everything else in my life falls apart.

Valuing something

I do value success and knowledge and curiosity however this does not push me anywhere near where I need to be.

Vision

I have an amazing vision but it does not resonate with me in the sense that I am too coward to go do it. It is the only thing I want to do but how the fuck do you find the courage to do it? I get pumped up and I am excited but I am not filled with courage to fight the emotions that wash over me about a month into this work.

Growing up

Growing up means both that I get older and do not enjoy childish things as much and therefor I do more adult things and more good things (I do still find lots of things funny that some might argue is too childish. It's not I love those things). The second aspect I put into this category is that I make mistakes and then grow from them. I grow from my mistakes for about a week and then I fail again. One example is school: I am smart so I never really failed school but I never applied myself either. I dropped of University because I did not learn anything. The pace is too slow for me, I cannot stand it. Then I came back and felt for about 2 - 3 weeks that "yeah I will go to every class and shine because I know I am smart" then I completely failed because all I hear from my class mates are "ugh dude this assignment sucks" or "I totally failed this test". Further, all my parents and friends tell me are "Omg you are going to one of the most difficult programs, you must be so nervous before each EXTREMELY difficult tests each month?!?" Yes the tests are difficult, not I am not nervous but I do feel like shit hearing that I should see the tests as impossible when I in fact get excited about them. I have always been excited about school but that flame dies each day as I hear how the things I want to study and the things I study at uni. are "so very difficult" and "It might break me, be careful." I always feel like I am doing something wrong when I ace tests because whilst I fail some questions but get 90-95% correct, I never fear them. I enjoy learning a lot.

Others

I have amazing people in my life that I want to make proud and they know what I am capable of. That motivates me but when I am at my lowest (about 2 weeks into pushing myself or whatever) it does absolutely nothing for me, just like my vision, my dreams, doubling down, pushing myself. All that happens is that I get more tired and become more of a monster.

Successes

I have had months of extreme success before. The last one was after new years 2017. I went a whole 4 months of perfect meditation and did an enormous amoung of work. The reason was because it was the first time I had like a "list" of each day visible to me. Everytime I felt down I thought or looked at it and went "I have to check each that that I succeeded!" and then I went on and did it. When I did not feel like that either I thought to myself "Well, the list has to get checked so I just have to do it!" I stopped because eventually it became so many people in my life that pushed me down and said I cannot do anything. I am very extroverted so the amount of people I had at that point in my life saying I should get drunk and party and fuck that omg that is so hard how can you be so smart, etc. just go to me. I had everyone telling me that getting those grades and pushing myself as I did was impossible and they never believed me. Eventually I got the feeling that yeah, this shit is though.... maybe too though... and I quit.

I have this deep feeling of feeling like I am not important. What I mean by that is that I have lots of memories of my childhood where the adults in my family try to fix something and I come along and I have an idea and they say "haha no that won't work go away and play with something and let the adults do the work!" Then later they had fixed it, they "came up with a good solution". My solution. I never got credit for it. I did not want a thank you I wanted recognition of my ability to solve problems. To this day I still feel like my ideas, even though they are great, are worthless and I could never in a million years to the dreams I want to. The reason I still cling to them and haven't given up is because I know somewhere even deeper than that feeling of being worthless that I am capable of doing great things.

I am successful despite not being at my peak. My 40% is most peoples 100%. I get sad everyday because I do not perform 100% of my ability.

What do I do? I am unable to double down because I become an unhappy monster. I cannot motivate myself through the though times because I only have myself in those moments and the work I do is for other people. The "other people", humanity and friends and family, do not want my ideas. They are "too impossible" in their mind. I am driven by helping others but nobody will accept my assistance because they resist change and they think that doing my work is "extremely though" when in reality it is just me being... me. It is though. A good though... but I feel like shit because of what everyone else is saying and I have yet to find other people I resonate with. I am extremely extroverted and when I isolate myself, love myself and my work I find myself stopping my work because I have a vision. A vision of succeeding with my dream and being there with my friends and family. Only succeeding is not worth it in my world. Dropping my dreams for my closest ones is not worth it in my world. Again, what do I do? What am I doing wrong? What can I do that push me on the right path.

[regularusername]

2 hours ago, neutralempty said:

You missed diet and nutrition.

Set clear boundaries with people. If noone can accept it, you have to pull yourself until you eventually attract like minded people. It is pointless to look for water in a desert. But you should always occasionally push them when a good opportunity arises. And don't hesitate or care whether they are discomforted or not.

I am having a difficult time evaluating where the balance point is. On one hand I should be by myself, experience myself, love myself, and so on. This is because being at "this level" (still a long long way to go), where I truly care about other people and their well being, very few people authentically relate. On the other hand I recognize that the following is a mistake and I have done this mistake multiple times: changing others is not the way to go. People truly don't listen and will not try to change for the better unless you give them space to come to you. This takes A LOT of my energy because I see their pain clearly and I also see that they are in no shape to even just listen to my pain.

The balance issue is between (1) Being by myself and growing vs (2) recognize that people around me will grow and I should just be blissful around them.

Do you, or anyone reading this, have any experience when it comes to (1) not wanting to change other people because that is tiring (2) wanting to change them because it is beautiful (3) needing to grow by myself but then all my work feels like it is for nothing. ?

 

Most of my passion comes from seeing the people around me. I have beautiful moments with them and that pushes me to do more with the work I do to help mankind. On the other hand, over time I get pushed down by their.... problems? pain? something. I am unsure what.

 

I am actually working on my diet a lot more recently. I have slowly implemented a better and better diet into my life, filled with organic food and I have cut out a lot of food with more than 7 ingredients/bad ingredients. Thanks for reminding me though!

[Vercingetorix]

The Life and coaching philosophy that I believe in is that whatever you have right now in your life is exactly what you want. If you don't agree with that, it's because there are unconscious parts of yourself that you don't know. so the way to to get what you think you want is to discover these parts and heal them. the way to do this is through therapy / Shadow work/ Contemplation / "Being level" coaching.

[regularusername]

I tend not to approach people in my life anymore about their pain because it rarely ends with them realizing they have some things that they would strongly benefit from changing. I do try to push lightly at times, strongly suggesting trying out a book, meditation, a course, a technique, a way of thinking and so on. However it gets knocked away instantly and I usually drop it. Even when I move on it still pains me that the last 100+ attempts to get someone to try take a step in one direction gets completely destroyed. It is difficult to find people to relate to. It would be more fine if I knew that it would get better but the more days I live on this planet the more it seems like there are more people being born that will not seek out help and try to become the best version of themselves :/