Dependent for years

[Waffle]

I live with my partner and 2 children and for years I was and still could be codependent on her. I grew up in the most deprived areas in my county and moving around constantly. Because of my poor mental health I bring in disability benefits. My partner has a gambling addiction and it is on the smartphone. I estimate that she clocks in easy 70 hours a week and orders takeaways all day so she don't have to stop. It seems like she is now becoming dependent on me to watch our kids, do housekeeping and so on. 

My mental health was so poor that during my mid to late teenage years I spent it as a recluse in my bedroom just like them hikikomori in Japan. My partner is definitely the dominant type in this relationship and I think that could be why I was attracted to her. I basically got to be numb for years living here with my kids and girlfriend and now my girlfriend is going downhill. She lives off fast food and smokes 2 fags and hour. She is neglecting her hygiene and doesn't leave the house because of how obease she has become. You could see this as karma for giving myself away in the relationship but I didn't intentionally do this. I seem to have renounced my independence and individuality because of her controlling tendencies. She hated me having friends and made one of my friends cry on the phone before because I was out with him and she couldn't afford a takeaway. My friend would often bribe her to let me out if she had a takeaway of him in exchange.

I am now friendless, penniless and not sure what to do about my situation. I have tried to get out in the world many times and failed to keep jobs and maintain friends. Last year I went through chemotherapy and my partner was coming with me to my appointments. I think her gambling became worse around this time as she can make gambling last all day and now she wants to live in fantasy world just like how I was living.

[Preety_India]

@Waffle

Is your partner married to you? 

I need to be really frank here. She is literally destroying your life through her addiction and domination. 

You need to think about this situation seriously. I'm not sure about your age because that matters how you are going to make things work for the future. 

If you are young you have a lot of opportunities (not saying that you won't if you're older) but you can easily move out and get out of this situation. 

You are sort of codependent on her, I'm not sure how long your partnership or marriage has lasted, the longer the worse your codependency has gotten. You will need to break this cycle before bad things begin to surface in your life. 

Right now block any thought of relationships in your head except for the one that you have with your kids. Just switch off your brain, and only think about how to get yourself out of that place. If you have enough money, you could move somewhere nearby and find a cheap place to rent and then look for a small job nearby immediately. 

Or alternatively you could look for a small job right now and then plan your moving out gradually. 

Do you have a family like parents, siblings or distant friends or relatives who you could ask for temporary financial support so that you can easily move out. 

Your situation seems severe and you need to take urgent actions before things get uglier few months later. 

You have to move out. That's final. There's no Reconciliation or half baked solutions here. She is literally going down and taking you down with her addiction and health issues. Often times such people just cannot be changed and it gets too late. So my advice is that you have no option other than moving out. You only need money and some help. 

First make a solid plan such that she won't find out. I don't think that she will be too happy or okay with you moving out, I can sense her anger from the description of her behavior, she seems dominating and someone who can give a hard time if things aren't working her way. 

So you gotta ditch her carefully without her finding out. This is like planning an escape from prison. Make a plan on how to get out of that place. 

If you're married to her you could then apply for a divorce. If not. I'm not sure how the custody process works in your country. That's up to you to figure out about how to deal with custody of kids. Get legal help regarding kids because she is in no shape to take care of the kids. She might even end up harming them or completely neglecting them. 

So once you get out safely you could make plans to get your kids to safety. Contact social services and explain them the situation so they can help you with this. 

If you are able to keep the job, no problem but otherwise you might want to use your disability benefits for some time to deal with expenses. But that won't be too difficult or too long, eventually when you get a job, things will begin to look better so the struggle is only in the initial stages. 

I hope you take my advice seriously and leave that woman completely. She is living in a bubble and she is just being very destructive. 

You just have to plan your escape in a very elaborate careful manner. 

Also when you break up with her, do so in a very careful manner so she can't get at you. 

 

 

[Waffle]

@Preety_India I understand what you are saying, I have been with her since the end of 2012.  Our son was born in 2015 and 2 weeks before that I had testicular cancer. She encouraged me to get it sorted at the doctors, I  had a relapse in 2019 and then I had to get chemotherapy this time around with a major operation at the end of it. She has supported me in the past and we both brought 2 kids into the world so I don't want to do anything to hasty.

 

What I am trying to say is it isn't just black and white and that she is all evil. I don't want to make excuses for her but she provides with the gambling situation. She wallpaperd, bought a bigger TV and sorted Christmas out. She did this but at the cost of her addiction. Because of low self esteem I can only be a voice of reason in my relationship. She is more the authoritative personality and this is how I have allowed my self to be dominated.

Forgot to say I'm 27.

Edited November 19, 2020 by Waffle

[Preety_India]

@Waffle gotcha. 

In that case you will need to talk to her about her gambling addiction. 

But what if she doesn't give up? 

Have you thought about your future and the future of your kids? 

Gambling and smoking are serious addictions.