Fear of Intimacy & Premature Ejaculation?

[fornax55]

TLDR; I've noticed an interesting connection between fear of intimacy and premature ejaculation. The subconscious fear seems to cause a physical reaction (ejaculation) which 'protects' me by getting me out of the intimate situation quickly.

I've seen some reports that seem to agree but the idea doesn't seem very common. However unearthing this connection 'clicked' with me REALLY well and had me so excited that I had to change my pants.

In short, I'm wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience or could maybe relate.

The rest of this post is just my own personal experience.

So this post will have a bit of a 'life-story' in it, which you can definitely skip. I've only just come to this conclusion so I'm writing this partially to organize my ideas, partially to hope someone else can relate

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on my lifelong struggle of premature ejaculation and I've recently realized that there seems to be a link between PE and my fear of intimacy.

Long story short, I was raised to believe that intimacy was something to be pushed away and rejected, which led to me subconsciously sabotaging my relationships by pushing away my partners.

Even after recognizing my fear of intimacy, I considered PE to be a separate (and much more important) annoyance. I often f'ixed' my PE with drugs or alcohol.

However, I've recently put 2 and 2 together and recognized that my PE seems to be a somatic reaction spurred by my fear of intimacy.

My subconscious mind is trying to protect me by triggering a physiological response - ejaculation - to help me 'escape' from the highly intimate (and, according to my subconscious, terrifying and undeserved) act of sex.

It's common knowledge that PE ED can have "psychological causes," but most of the info I've seen seems to focus on ED and/or relates to performance anxiety. Perhaps I'm on to something new here!

As soon as I considered fear of intimacy causing me PE. something 'clicked.' I did some further thinking and pulled up a lot of anecdotal evidence that seems to support the idea that my PE is caused by this fear.

This is all just self-evidence that links my own PE to my fear of intimacy so feel free to skip.

• Too many times in my life I've used drugs or alcohol to overcome my PE. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, which suggests that there's something more here at play than just the drugs. This inconsistency didn't make sense until I realized that the level of intimacy involved in my intoxicated state had a huge impact on how quickly I'd come. For example -
  • MDMA is an empathogen. Clinical trials are exploring the use of MDMA because of the massive amount of intimacy it allows people to work with. MDMA makes me extremely intimate and almost always completely eliminates my PE. Certainly part of this is due to its potent CNS activity as an amphetamine, as other amphetamines have a similar effect.
  • Alcohol is hit-or-miss, which is interesting because most guys tell me that booze almost always makes it impossible for them to come. I still get PE half the time when I'm drunk - but only when I'm in a self-pitying and emotionally blockaded state of mind. The other half of the time - when I'm open and intimately connected, blissfully drunk, my PE is always cured.
  • Despite having a minimal effect on the CNS like other substances that tend to inhibit premature ejaculation, marijuana usually helps me overcome mine. Marijuana is also one of the only substances that helps me open up intimately and discuss my emotions fluidly and easily.
  • Cocaine makes me hella narcissistic and egotistical - the opposite of intimate. While most guys agree that cocaine makes it impossible for them to come, I notice no difference.
• There have been numerous times in which I've shared deep, emotional conversations with my SO, followed by having sex in which I didn't come too quick. This was always really confusing and frustrating because I couldn't figure out why it wasn't consistent. I never connected the intimate conversation with the elimination of PE until now.
• I often get "emo-boners," where I'll start getting hard when I'm having a deep, loving hug with a girl that I care about. I've known about this since I was 14, so I was always aware that I'm more-so aroused by intimacy than anything else, but I never linked it to PE. I tend to bust the moment I'm fully inside her and it really does feel like an emotional ejaculation more than anything else.
  • I ended up sleeping with someone last week who is pretty promiscuous and very good at not letting her emotions get into her sex. We fucked (and I use the term 'fuck' here because the distinction is important) for like 2 hours and I didn't come anywhere even remotely close to coming because I didn't feel connected to her.
• I have a very short refractory period and can usually get it up right after ejaculating. However, after my first ejaculation I find sex becomes much more physical and less intimate. This lack of intimacy allows me to keep 'going,' but things become fairly mechanical. Usually, once my heart gets back into the sex and we start sharing true intimacy again, I just ejaculate.

So it really seems like intimacy - or rather, the fear of it - has caused or at least massively contributed to my premature ejaculation.

Has anyone else had a similar experience, either with emotionally-induced PE or a fear of intimacy?

And does anyone have any tips on how to overcome fear of intimacy? I'm currently in a "break" with the girl that I truly love because I'm trying to figure out how I can really let loose and enjoy the intimacy with her that I so deeply desire without self-sabotaging myself. I'm seeing a therapist starting next week but it'd be cool to hear from someone who's overcome intimacy issues (not necessarily related to PE) and has tips to share.

[Leo Gura]

Have you tried deepening intimacy without sex? How do you react to that? Any resistance?

For example, with your gf, you could try being sexually intimate with her without taking your pants off. Pleasure her and go deep with the intimacy, but don't let her touch you.

Get creative with it. There is so much cool stuff you can do to build intimacy without sticking your dick in her.

[fornax55]

Definitely, tried that quite a bit. My partner (ex, I guess) is quite a bit younger than me and really just entering her sexual prime, whereas I've been through the mill already For the first part of our relationship she was pretty keen on experimenting with things like karezza and tantra. 

That was before she had ever had an orgasm though. Once she tasted the forbidden fruit, things took a pretty serious turn. 

Either way we're not together anymore (moreso because of the intimacy issues) which blows because now that I'm learning all about this stuff, I've got no intimate partner to help me improve. I'm all for self-improvement but when it comes to this particular challenge, a partner's pretty necessary!

PS I just read another post on PE in which you posted some solid advice, so thanks in advance!