My Dark And Lovely Path To Self-mastery

[Shaun Cote]

My interest in personal development started in college, after taking a few psychology courses.  I became so fascinated by the inner workings of the mind; the courses truly changed the way I think, which was very much needed at the time.

Throughout high school, I was a loner.  I had friends, but only the ones I talked to at school and nowhere else.  I was a very shy person, and was very self-conscious about what I said and how I acted.  I just did not like my authentic self, and I wished to be a better person...a person that was confident in what he did, wasn't too much of a people-pleaser, and wasn't afraid of social embarkments, like going to parties, or getting a girlfriend, etc.  I was also the prototypical nice guy; I generally blamed girls for not being interested in a nice guy like me.

I can't tell you what day it was after my days in college, but one day I made the 100% commitment to not give a s*** what people thought about me, as it hadn't done me any good up to that point.  I was just going to be myself for once, and let go of a few of my "filters" (you know, the fail-safe filters in your brain that thoughts go through before they come out of your mouth), and to hell with the consequences.  And let me tell you, I took a big step that day.  It was suddenly easier to chat people up and hold a conversation.  Was I still shy?  Of course I was, but I began to see it more as a quirk than a hinderance, and so did everyone else.  That is when I made my life-long friends.

Cut to a couple years later, I realized I had a problem.  It's embarassing to talk about, but I was addicted to pornography.  I didn't realize the scope of the problem until this day, and had only assumed that everyone else was doing it.  I was starting to realize how this addiction was making me see a different reality than the one that was there.  I'm not going to get into the details of that, but that lead me down the path to personal development.  Trying to fix an addiction, and seeing what my addiction was rooted in, made me realize that it wasn't just a problem with porn consumption, but there was a deep underlying issue deep in my psyche.  That became clear when I couldn't end my addiction on pure willpower alone.

The entire year of 2015, and early this year, I was trying to figure out what exactly I could do to put my addiction behind me once and for all.  The time was filled with failed attempt after failed attempt, and I became a bit depressed and had thoughts of dying.  Even though I had more knowledge of how my psychology was working, and I had come so far in my personal development (seemingly), it still felt like my life was going nowhere.  It was the darkest period of my life.

Then I found Actualized.org.  I watched a few of Leo's videos, and found a new perspective of life.  I was so interested in the videos that I listened to almost every one of them.  I work a job that allows me to plug in headphones for the 8 hours that I'm there, so it was easy to get through his videos pretty quickly.  I was actually able to listen to his videos a couple times over, which really anchored the concepts into my brain.  His stuff was just so insightful, interesting, and empowering.  Thanks to his insights, I have a perspective that I never would've gained if I had just kept going the same path.

My action steps right now:

-read books, gain as much perspective as I can

-get my focus on personal development up to 100%

-work on developing a meditation habit...not just because Leo says to, but because I personally see the benefits for me.

-work on finding a line of work that matches with my values/become financially independent.

-enjoy life every single day...even the bad days...especially the bad days.

-enjoy the emotional toll the process of change brings upon me

 

The porn problem is ongoing at the moment.  It takes a while to change a habit that I've had for years, which was developed when my brain was most malleable.   However, I no longer get frustrated about it.  I'm starting to see the certain triggers that drive me to slip into unconsciousness.  

I'm the most confident that I've ever been that I can put this behind me, and that I can raise my awareness levels to places I've never imagined in my life.

I'm starting to get that christmas-every-day feeling again.

[Shaun Cote]

A couple days later...coming back down to earth a bit.  This self-development stuff is hard!  No matter though...I remain passionate in this goal.

I'm stuck in a bind right now...my newly-developed passion has made me want to help the world.  I want to start a blog, or a youtube channel, in which I warn people about the dangers of their thinking patterns.  At the same time, who am I to tell people how to think?  Shouldn't I master my own thinking first?  I want to be a facilitator of change, however, I also understand that I may be doing too much talking and not enough listening.

I want to speak up so badly, and be a voice of reason amongst the turmoil.  It's hard for me to do this without also being dogmatic about it.  Spreading dogma to the dogmatic collective will not accomplish anything.

Being honest with myself...do I speak up to be heard, or do I speak up for my own neurotic desire to look smart compared to others?

[Low-key Raven Day 1]

@Shaun Cote Why not talk to your friends about it? Refresh on some concepts, think about how your thinking has changed, and start a conversation. Or even your parents; you could ask them times they changed the way they thought about things, and talk to them about all of these self-development/psychology concepts. Teaching is the best way to learn though, so go ahead and teach. 90% of what you teach others is learned, vs 75% for just practically using what you learn. Very nice statistic.

[Shaun Cote]

Thanks for the advice @Dylan Schreiner.  Right now, as far as I know, none of my friends are into this stuff.  However, I am starting to challenge some of their beliefs.  Not deny them, but challenge them.  And, I post about radical open-mindedness on Facebook.  Understandibly, though, I don't get as many "likes" on my posts than a post that reads, for example, "picked up a cute outfit at the mall!!!!".  However, I'm not dependent on "likes".  I know that if even one person reads one of my posts, and it peaks their interest enough to crack open their mind a little bit more, I feel as though I've done my job.  

[Emerald]

I'm glad to hear that these changes have been occurring for you. Did you know that a caterpillar, when it goes into its cocoon doesn't just grow wings? It actually turns into a weird primordial goo that a completely new being is born from as a butterfly. The process of changing is often ugly and uncomfortable, so right now your in the goo stage. But I'm confident that if you continue on this path, that you'll transform into something great. Definitely start a YouTube channel, not to preach to anyone or be the voice of reason, but to share yourself and your story honestly. It's your newness and passion that will inspire people, not your expertise. Best of luck!

[Shaun Cote]

Thanks, @Emerald Wilkins!  I may start a Youtube channel and post videos someday...I really just have to learn to produce and edit videos is all.  Otherwise, thanks for the encouragement, it's much appreciated!

I've noticed that I have two distinct states of mind right now that I switch between daily:

-Lethargy, which I really only get when I'm at home.

-Incredibly ambitious, basically when I'm either driving or working, but especially when I'm working.  I work a good-paying job that I'm comfortable in, but it's definitely not what I want to do.  It's also a job that I can plug in earphones and listen to music, but lately I've been listening to podcasts and personal development Youtube videos, so that might be a factor as to why I get so excited and ambitious while I'm working.  

However, all I feel it is right now is too much listening/knowledge acquisition and not enough application.  I'm home right now, and currently in my lethargic state.  It took a lot of energy just to come here and journal.  Positive habit building is not a strength of mine right now.

However, as frustrating as personal development is for me right now, I'm very sure what I'm going through right now will be worth it.  I will not quit, not now, not ever.  Increasing awareness is too important and awe-inspiring of a goal to quit.  

 

[Emerald]

3 hours ago, Shaun Cote said:

Thanks, @Emerald Wilkins!  I may start a Youtube channel and post videos someday...I really just have to learn to produce and edit videos is all.  Otherwise, thanks for the encouragement, it's much appreciated!

I've noticed that I have two distinct states of mind right now that I switch between daily:

-Lethargy, which I really only get when I'm at home.

-Incredibly ambitious, basically when I'm either driving or working, but especially when I'm working.  I work a good-paying job that I'm comfortable in, but it's definitely not what I want to do.  It's also a job that I can plug in earphones and listen to music, but lately I've been listening to podcasts and personal development Youtube videos, so that might be a factor as to why I get so excited and ambitious while I'm working.  

However, all I feel it is right now is too much listening/knowledge acquisition and not enough application.  I'm home right now, and currently in my lethargic state.  It took a lot of energy just to come here and journal.  Positive habit building is not a strength of mine right now.

However, as frustrating as personal development is for me right now, I'm very sure what I'm going through right now will be worth it.  I will not quit, not now, not ever.  Increasing awareness is too important and awe-inspiring of a goal to quit.  

 

You're welcome. My advice is to look into building Keystone habits first. So, meditation, nutrition, exercise, and sleep schedules are pretty fundamental. These will all have a ripple effect through other parts of your life. So, begin with these first. Take a month or two to make a habit of each one and only focus on that one for that entire month or two. If you try to do two or three at once, you'll probably fail and get discouraged. Habits are best implemented one at a time and very slowly. But you want to basically rewire your very resistant subconscious to get used to doing these things every day. It takes about 66 days to rewire the subconscious to develop a habit of something. So, a month or two will give you enough time to focus on creating a familiar groove, that your actions will fall into. Once you're used to it, the habit will come automatically.