Bipolar thinking / Need to fit in

[28 cm unbuffed]

So, there's a thing. I don't know if I'm bipolar or not, I always thought it's something natural and everyone thinks and feels that way. I thought that's just the way God and the Universe works, the battle between yin and yang and shit. I am not so sure about that right now.

When I am creating my YouTube videos, I am constantly thinking about myself - should I do them the more mature way, put more emphasis on excellence, let's say, perfectionistic, beautiful, excellent, wise, representing high values etc., or just let go, be goofy, be normal, fit in.

It might have something to do with a) society brainwashing and deeply rooted want to fit in b) maturity process and shedding myself from old values and childish behaviours c) I'm fucking bipolar lol.

For way too long I allowed myself for this kind of battle with myself, not sure if I can still tolerate that shit. It's really, really frustrating, tiring and counterproductive.

Any ideas? I was talking to one astrologist, and he told me that it's part of my personality, battle between being myself and need to fit in. I wanted to fit in for way too fucking long and I wasted years of my life for that, I'm done. I feel like Richard Feynman / Gregory House, they were acting like cool guys just to be liked/fit into the society. I don't want to do that, but I think I have to if I want to somehow be part of society and to accomplish anything in life.

What is more, I live in Poland, where people still live in medieval times. My mother is a narcissistic idiot. Fuck randomness.

I will work my ass off to move to the United States as soon as possible, but it's not that simple, I have to kiss a lot of asses to get there, pump dumb "smart" people's egos. And it takes time. I need something right now. 

What do you guys think? Maybe I am missing something? What it really is, that thing?