Battle against my IMPULSIVE brain

[innerchild]

Let me summarize my decade long story into a few sentences. Since my teen years, I've been struggling with chronic overthinking and obsessive behaviors. I tend to have a strong impulse or an urge for doing more things (just ), even though I can conceptualize the awful effects of such activities like burnout will take me nowhere. Of course, I've read many amazing books on impulsivity and repetitive behaviors. I couldn't help myself.

Rather, just working on specific tasks that could yield me more results. I eventually end up spending hours of my efforts on delving into random nonsense in the name of productivity or bullshit.

 

So let me get straight into the business. fortunately, I'm not a fulltime employee for someone else. I run my own online business regarding marketing and bootstrapped the next venture as a social influencer. My obsessions and compulsions were become too potent and debilitating after indulging into certain shamanic practice and darkroom retreat (40 mins shamanic breathing, 60 mins darkroom retreat).

 

I know it may sound insane or ludicrous to some people, maybe you may say 'I'm not supposed to incorporate such things as a daily routine (especially in the case of suffering from OCD monster). But, they are really powerful! it made me take research onto plant-based psychedelics and any hallucinogens as well.

 

So, these are the things I consider as benefits of doing these programs for over 3 months now (started on nov, 19, only doing longer sessions since March).

i. I can rewind my childhood memories and events and it feels really vivid as hell!.

ii. I can take notes and get the bird's-eye view of my childhood trauma

iii. I can feel really focused and attentive (10x stronger than I was in the last year).

------------------------------------------------

So, I don't have any plans on quitting such programs so far, I wanna go deep and dig over my own shit.

But, for the past 1 month, I feel really lonely, desperate and I get exhausted all the time. I tend to have the most notorious and vicious traumatic episodes, addiction and overthinking. I'm having too much of dilemma or confusion even on making day to day tasks. Especially I struggle with choosing the right words when typing documents, prioritizing my schedules, and so on.

 

Predictably, my crazy obsessive patterns became more intrusive and vivid after shamanic practices. My compulsive behaviors are always done within my mind. I tend to repeat certain words, sentences for the sake of reassurance. Especially, I pickup a time slot (30 to 60 mins) and tend to finish the most complicated stuff onto this insignificant timeframe.

 

One more thing, I can easily get annoyed from subtle or sneaky disturbances like when someone scratches a nose while talking or when someone stops me in the middle of the sentence. Or when someone cut me off while speaking (These shitty compulsions always revolve around verbal and communication activities).

 

Yes, I know I couldn't take any of the stranger's advice on the forum as medication and I shouldn't procrastinate on seeking professional help. In spite of that, I just want to ask you certain questions and I'd be glad if you share any of the similar experiences (both of your own or acquainted through books).

 

Here are the things I want to know from you guys.

Have you ever indulged in any kind of chronic obsessions?. What makes you do so?, pls share your takes on overworking and how to deal with it?

I want to know the technical or psychological term for when a person gets seriously offended or distressed while getting disturbed in the middle of the conversation.

Did you ever caught into such a vicious cycle of dilemma or confusion or had a hard time making mundane tasks? (like prioritizing schedules, organizing your belongings in a specific order, organizing computer files in a specific order).

Please please recommend any few more relevant books for my problems, especially on coping mechanisms and obsessions with verbal or conversational activities.

I know this shit is taking so long, one more thing I just want to ask. What is an ideal term to describe certain psychotic episodes where a victim gets intrusive thoughts or some creepy voice inside one's head says most cynical and mean things to oneself.

 

These are the thoughts I get pretty much every day. I'll Destroy Myself, I Won't Let You Talk!, Don't Repeat The Past!, Being Odd With Proposal, You Can't Win just by looking at Computer Screen!, I'll Pull Your Legs Down To Rut

 

Is there any coherence between such intrusive thoughts vs. schizophrenia?

I feel really panicking, I get very uncomfortable feeling in my belly, whenever I have such thoughts sneaking in, I literally feel like losing my cognition over some evil force or getting possessed by demons (metaphorical). Did you ever heard of such chronic and mean thoughts iterated over and over again?. Also please refer me some book on such feelings of a blackout or losing consciousness by anxiety or severe depression.

 

[DaHonorableCourt]

You seem to have some real attacks, maybe find a therapist if its bad. Do know that many people with OCD, anxiety, DPDR, are all afraid to get schizophrenia. You are basically of what your own mind can potentially do to you. But these fears are for the most part irrational. Schizophrenia is a really rare condition mostly based on genetic factors.

I don’t know how bad your problems are. But i know this based on my own experience with moderate anxiety & mild obsessive thoughts.:

Remind yourself throughout the day that you are not the body and the not the mind. The more you do this the less you will identify with the compulsive thoughts. This identification is what gives power to the thoughts. Once you no longer identify with the thoughts (this will be a gradual process of course) You will stop thinking them. The more you understand and become aware of thinking & identification, the less compulsiveness & suffering you will have.

What I just explained is based on Sadhguru’s work. He has a great understanding of how the human mind works, and how to consciously better it. His approach is sober and non complex. I recommend his vids for this issue you are having. Soon I will try his Inner Engineering online product which is also about more cultivating more consciousness and less suffering and compulsiveness in the mind. I will review it for y’all.

Great vid for starting to understand the mind:

 

Edited June 2, 2020 by DaHonorableCourt