Realizing That I Do Not Know Anything

[Taavi]

I am not sure how to start so I just will. This will be my journal, the main purpose of it will be to bring me back to writing down my experienes and to sort out my thoughts regarding my development. Feedback and discussion with other users is naturally welcomed. 

A little bit of backround about me. I am a 22 years old man. I live in Estonia so english is not my first language, but I will do my best to explain myself as accurately as possible. I have always been interested in psychology and how to world works. My interest in psychology is partly credited due to OCD which I had for about 10 years. I was pretty much forced to understand myself and my thoughts better, so I could rewire the thought mechanisms that caused my OCD. I have done that succesfuly and the main key to accomplishing it was increasing my awarness. The increase in my awarness has led me here actually, writing this journal right now and integrating self-actualization work more and more in to my life.

A quick description on what I have been doing for the past 4 years and how I got in to self-help. After finishing high school at 18 I got a job in a neigbouring country that payed the years average salary of Estonia for 5 months of work, so I got finances to live quite freely for 7 months of the year without working. That freedom and change in enviroments opened up my world view quite a lot, since I was pretty much broke before that and had only visited a foreign country once or twice. Working abroad and the constant changes of enviroment also caused a lot of stress which increased the intencity of my OCD. So I started reading up on psychology more, writing down my thoughts trying to put together somekind of picture of what the fuck was actually going on, keeping a very messy journal of sorts. I was doing self-inquiry work in some sense, but my awareness level was so low that I could very rarely get glipses that allowed to see through the beliefs my ego had created. I was also smoking pot quite a lot and doing self observation while under it`s influence. I did get some very valuable insights while doing it but it truly is a double edged sword when abused, in the long term taking away the things it gives in the short term. I recently quit smoking pot once I became aware what I was actually doing, but like all habits, especially habits including using psychotropic substances it still lurks somewhere in my mind. The second year I returned to work I decided to use some of the money to enter a college which required me to move to another city. I entered the college to study marketing and business management. I have distant learning, so I have to attend only for about 4 days a month and study independently most of the time. I moved in the end of october of 2015 and took a direct selling job, going to peoples home and trying to sell them a very good and also quite expensive vaccuum cleaner  My goal was to become a really good salesman since it sounded like a logical thing to do ( good money if you are good at it, a lot of independance, very interesting job, goes well along with marketing, get to understand people better, more confidence etc.). So I concentrated very intensly on becoming a great salesman for about three months, reading sales books, listening to sales tapes in my car, watching videos, making myself believe in the product, actually read The Greatest Salesman In The World for 3 months as it should be read trying to reprogram myself. That salesjob was actually how I got introduced to self help. I even joined a program where collage students go to USA to sell books from door to door, payed all the fees, bought the plane tickets but backed away from it a few weeks before actually going. I got some self-help books from that program which I read, made a lot of notes, applied some of it but all the self-help took place in the context of selling, how to become better at it, what to believe, how to think, how to respond, how to tough it out and so on. I realized after quiting the program that I was after self-development and most of all self knowledge, not sales. I made a plan after quiting to go on a 5-6 weeks hike alone to get to know myself, read and concentrate solely on my being. I was able to be alone with myself for 2 days, living in a tent with no distractions, doing basically only self-inquiry. The intensity was too much for my ego to bear much longer then 2 days. 

After that hike I have been increasing my awarness constantly, everyday. I ordered books from Leo's list, I read the "The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution: P. D. Ouspensky", had great realizations from that book, now I am reading "The Book Of Not Knowing by Peter Ralston" and have 18 more books waiting. I basically don't do much right now besides being, observing myself, what triggers me emotionally, how my thoughts appear, what are their patterns, how my mechanical nature works, how I form beliefs, I'm becoming more and more aware in my dreams, sometimes being lucid in them, I watch a video almost everyday and conteplate on it or try to apply some of the knowledge. But I feel like I have to get back to "practical" chores of life. I also took the life purpose course which I will start concentrating more intensely on. So this is also what this journal is for, to keep track on my pursuit of my life purpose, "practical" everyday routines and enlightenment work.

As I grow more aware and piece a bit more together I will soon make more detailed plans with goals that I will add to keep track on. For now I will concentrate on instilling a proper sleeping and meditating schedule. I will add to this journal daily most of the time writing down my experiences, thoughts, progress or backsliding and whatever else I deem to be necessary. 

 

[Taavi]

I do not know anything anymore. All my beliefs are just that, beliefs. I do not know what experience is, what my thoughts are or how they come to be experienced, who or what I am.

It is becoming harder and harder for me to fall back in to sleep. I know nothing, I do not even know how to write about it or even if it is possible to write about it in a way to convey the implications.