Another Piece From My Personal Hell.

[zasa joey]

I have had these thoughts lately, and I want to let them out and just write them down. Man my life is so fucked up right now. I  really want to live freely, effortlessly. Jeez, its so painful that I am such a coward, I am run by my fears, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem not by my authentic desires. Do you know why am I such a weakling and worthless? Because the reasons I feel like shit is because of other people. I let them control and dictate my life, my self-image and self-worth. I feel like a piece of shit , because I think that other people count me as a piece of shit, worthless, cowardly garbage and weak human being. My friends, jesus, im so tired of this everyday bullshit. They are always negative assholes, letting others down, criticizing, judging, insulting, stupid jokes, worthless people. I just really try to figure out what goes on in their minds but I cant get the reasons why are they so mean-spirited, selfish, cruel, unaccepting assholes! They have no capacity for love, sympathy, acceptance. They just cant fucking encourage, make others lives easier, they are making it a hell for me. They are burdening me everyday and I have become that. Fuck em! I just cant live up to their standarts, so what. I am what I am. Is that really hard to fucking grasp! I always feel inferior to everyone and everything because of them. Like im incomplete, not good enough, worthless. This pain is too much. I want to show them that rage is hiding inside me, that I have balls and courage. But as they are doubting me so much, I have begun to doubt myself more and more. I have lost my face, I have lost “me” its just mixed and connected with them. So what if I get them the fuck out of my life! Its too late already, I will never be confident in myself again, I will never love myself, accept myself, consider myself “good enough”, perfectly imperfect. Whats my problem? Most of the people I know, everyone likes me, enjoys spending time with me,is respectful towards me, and I feel relieved while spending time with others. But its my close friends that are fucking up my life and making me miserable. I swear to god, I would murder them without blinking an eye, if I had balls to do so! Is the joy and tranquillity I dream of, that I remember from so long ago when I was very small, all just the delusion of a sick mind? Is there really such thing as a fate to suffer so carved in permanence that there is nothing I can do to change it? I want to just wake up in the morning and feel joy over nothing except my own existence. That is the feeling I am desperately seeking, I think unfortunately its just as beautiful a dream as a heaven of afterlife.

[Mal]

@zasa joey

Aww. Diddums!

You clearly don't take anybody's advice.

[zasa joey]

@Mal  nobody can fix me if im part of the problem man! i somehow have to reach conclusions myself. i really feel to my guts, like i should take time alone, stop relationships and cut ties with "my" friends. i really need to stay alone with myself and face it, even though every second of it will feel like hell. i feel like i will do that soon.

Edited June 24, 2016 by zasa joey

[zasa joey]

@Piotr  thanks! thats really powerful.

[Mal]

14 minutes ago, Piotr said:

This is my advice.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Mal

[zasa joey]

@Piotr thank you.

[Ike Carter]

First of all, you're definitely not the only person has been there. Also these people don't exactly sound like much of "friends" to me. And if they're toxic like you say they are, why keep them around? These people that you're trying to please will never be satisfied. Just stand up for yourself and say NO when necessary, its okay. You're never going to go anywhere if you're trying to be a people pleaser. As for the Killing "ima kill them" you sound insane and unhealthy,

How has your meditation been?

[Mal]

10 minutes ago, Ike Carter said:

Also these people don't exactly sound like much of "friends" to me. And if they're toxic like you say they are, why keep them around?

 

On 6/24/2016 at 6:26 PM, zasa joey said:

i really feel to my guts, like i should take time alone, stop relationships and cut ties with "my" friends. i really need to stay alone with myself and face it, even though every second of it will feel like hell. 

Sounds like a plan

[zasa joey]

@Ike Carter  i havent began meditating yet, procrastinating and little sceptical about it to. i want to start, but desire is not enough to actually take action it seems, not yet! but on the otherhand i spend whole days with my thoughts and  emotions. isnt that kind of a meditation?

Edited June 28, 2016 by zasa joey

[abrakamowse]

2 hours ago, zasa joey said:

@Ike Carter  i havent began meditating yet, procrastinating and little sceptical about it to. i want to start, but desire is not enough to actually take action it seems, not yet! but on the otherhand i spend whole days with my thoughts and  emotions. isnt that kind of a meditation?

No Zasa, I used to think that meditation was that. Really meditation is about "observing your thoughts" as if they weren't yours (in fact they aren't).

The brain will get used to that "mechanic" and it will be easier for you not to identify with them and discard the thoughts that are not good for you, like "I am a loser" "I am not good" "I am useless" etc... all those thoughts are not you and are not truth.

Observe your thoughts and try to feel reality without "labels", just watch and notice everything around you without judging or labeling "this is nice, this is bad, this is boring, etc... " no labels.

Just watch reality and try to feel the sounds, colors, details that you didn't pay attention to normally, etc...

[Time Traveler]

@zasa joey I have been in situation like you. It is rather deep shit and it will not bee easy to get out of it. It will be hard and scary, but I doubt that there is easy way. I remember sitting, trembling with fear and wishing I was dead. But there were two fears for me: 1) fear of what I think I should do, 2) fear of my torturer (friends in your your case) . These two fears squeezed me from opposite sides and I have no escape. Then (when these two fears seemed to crash me like vice) I confronted smallest of them (fear to do what I thought I should do). And I went through this fear and saw that it was empty air. Nothing. My imagination. Bullshit. But this was my other fear that forced me to go through that thin air. I wouldn't be able to do this without help of fear from my torturer.

People like me (and probably you) are not able to do the necessary job without inducement. Imagine that your friends would treat you with  love, sympathy, acceptance. You would happily live further in your shit and blame everything and everyone for your situation.

Your friends are such assholes with a reason. I don't recommend to kill them  Look at what you know you should do but are afraid to do. Go through that fear. Or wait until your friends will push you through this (as I've done). And then you will say "thank you" to them.

I don't know if meditation will help you.  For me meditation showed what an asshole I am (I thought I am nice guy) and in what deep shit I am sitting.

One of my best friends tried meditation and committed suicide after seeing what horror is inside him.

Take care !

[abrakamowse]

2 hours ago, Time Traveler said:

One of my best friends tried meditation and committed suicide after seeing what horror is inside him.

Take care !

But that happened because he was very attached to his thoughts. First I will suggest @zasa joey  to learn to not get attached to thoughts, understand that we are not the thinkers of thoughts, thoughts just happen and we can't control. They are not our thoughts.

Once you understand that, you can have a hell going on inside you and your external self won't move a hair, it won't be affected at all.

That's what meditation does, makes you control or ignore your thoughts and not being controlled by thoughts. That's how the majority of people live, dominated by the identification with thoughts.

[Time Traveler]

@abrakamowse I came from very deep shit and I noticed, that advanced people doesn't understand "low level people".

Like that guy who give advice to unhappy people "if you wanna be happy, just be it !" Or that girl who advised poor people to eat cakes if they can't  get enough bread.

So I think, each level need different approach to solve it's problems.

Even me myself, when I resolve some issues that bothered me, later  I can't understand what was the all the fuss about ?