Focus issue related to spiritual experience

[PlayTheGame]

I’ve been following Leo’s videos for quite some years now, including his “weird” spiritual/metaphysical videos which actually made sense to me.

For years, in my own mind I’ve been questioning the nature of reality as well, not as an active thing which i set time out for, but more as a passive inquiry, small questions every day/week.

however for the last weeks this got more serious, making my reality feel less real, and a couple of days ago i had a frightening experience, I believe it was a no-self/God experience, where i basically realized the individual experience is not real, that “my” consciousness is not actually mine, but that I as a human am just a small sliver of this consciousness. This experience was in my bed, my heart was pounding and waves of fear went through me, until i submitted to the experience (I litterally heard the word “Islam” coming out of my body, not meaning the religion but the literal translation; submit. Im not even muslim)

this submitting felt really good and I remember realizing I was nothing, and pledging allegiance to God, feeling total peace and feeling total control over my own suffering. I fell asleep.

However when I woke up to my alarm to go to my doctors appointment, I had to pull my ego back together, which felt really strange and even anxious/painful.

after my appointment i had driving lessons however I couldn't focus, for the whole time I was thinking about the experience and what it meant, and my skills really deteriorated because of it.

Every morning when I woke up after this experience I feel really anxious because of noself etc, it gets better when I take a shower but reality still feels weird, more real but also less real at the same time.

The experience actually made me a whole lot more conscious, i now don't want to be a millionaire (at least not for my own sake) but i want to create beautiful things and live in harmony with nature, and live a relatively simple life. And i feel more conscious of what my actions do to other people.

However my problem is that i cant seem to stop thinking about noself, reality etc. I think its my monkey mind trying to make sense of what I experienced. I cant seem to focus on a task because my mind always wanders off to metaphysical questions.

I don’t even want to become enlightened, like I said I want to create beautiful art and use my mind for good things, and just have a simple life with inner peace. But I need focus for that, and not wander off to metaphysical shit which the mind can never understand anyway. I want to immerse my mind in the content of reality instead of thinking about the structure of reality the whole time.

I guess its getting better but I just wanted to get this off my chest and hear what you guys might have to say.

sorry for the long post lol.

Edited February 17, 2020 by PlayTheGame