Just a simple journal

[Ryan_047]

I'm not sure if I'll commit to continuously updating this journal, I just spontaneously decided that I want to objectively evaluate my life and see where I stand. Don't except to see me contemplate or do advanced stuff like contemplating philosophical questions, doing psychedelics or doing retreats. This is just me rambling about my life and how miserable I am.

 To give some background, I'm 20, male and I live in Europe. I'm in my first year of college, studying computer science. I am struggling in college, not because I find it particularly hard, but because I can't regulate my emotions. All semester long I've procrastinated on studying and practically did nothing of value, and now it's the time to take exams. 

Since I finished 8th grade, I have the habit of constantly distracting myself with video games, music and YouTube. I don't smoke, rarely drink and never did drugs. My biggest streak of meditating constantly was 2 weeks, and after that I meditated 1 or 2 days at a time when I had a stressful period. I'm pretty sure I suffer from depression and generalized anxiety, even if I wasn't officially diagnosed. I experience constant stress(I literally can't remember that last time I managed to relax), anxiety when I'm about to engage in social situations, constant brain fog, suicidal thoughts and many, many more.. 

I can't afford therapy, nor do I want to go to a therapist. The mental health system in my country is very poorly constructed and if I were to be 100% honest with a therapist, I'd get thrown into a psychiatric hospital and get fed medication to numb me. I still live with my parents. They too are very emotionally unstable and if I told them how much I truly suffer, they'd go nuts and it would have a negative effect overall, and that's why won't share anything personal with them.

I've wasted my high school years and I have many regrets for not doing stuff I wanted and needed to do. Won't go into details here, more info on my old posts. 

Honestly, what I truly want right now is to drop college, leave my parent's home and go isolate myself somewhere far away from everyone I know. I'd spend my time meditating, journaling and healing. That's what I want to do... The thing stopping me from doing it is not having an income. If I were to have an income which would pay for rent and food, I'd do probably do this. You might think that this wish of mine would be a motivation to work hard and get a job. Wrong, I'm too lazy and unmotivated. All I want to do is to constantly distract myself, as I did for 5 years now. Ffs, I've wasted 5 whole years of my life and I'm not going to stop.

I've got all of the tools I need to make my life beautiful, but I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm tired and I need a break from life. If I were given a shotgun right now, I'd probably shoot myself since I don't want to continue. I also really, really hate myself. I know all of the steps I need to take to improve myself, but... I just don't want to do it. I don't want to get better. I would trade my life with somebody who truly wants to live. I don't enjoy anything anymore.

Here's a random list of things I'm struggling with in life:

• studying anything at all
• chronic depression and anxiety
• being suicidal when life gets hard
• chronic constipation
• procrastinating 
• feeling emotions
• keeping a conversation flowing
• waking up in the morning
• self-loathing 
• washing my teeth/taking showers(yeah, pathetic, I know)
• masturbation to porn(I find porn disgusting, but I can't help it when I'm feeling alone)
• waking up in the morning
• eating(I only eat because the sensation of hunger annoys me); I'm a bit underweight btw

Here's a list of unmet needs I have:

• feeling appreciated 
• feeling seen/heard
• sexual needs
• lack of self confidence 
• feeling safe in a relationship.. any relationship
• having a sense of purpose 
• having an intimate relationship 

Here's a list of things I should do in order to better my life:

• meditate daily
• journaling 
• hit the gym
• study programming on my own 
• apply Teal Swan's The Completion Process 
• spend more time socializing 
• cut off distractions like Reddit, YouTube and video games completely 
• ask myself on every decision "What would someone that loved himself do?"

Idk, I guess that's it. I'm not sure I'll update this journal every day since I really can't commit to anything.