I need imparcial insight in regards to NoFap, and not loving myself/self-esteem

[Javfly33]

Show i posted a similar post on reddit but I consider this forum way more advanced  (not offense, reddit) and particularly in regards to nofap will be way more imparcial. 

I´ve been doing / trying NoFap for almost 2 years. With the main focus of quitting porn (but I´m starting to notice this might have been a self-deception, Im still have to be more mindful) And yesterday I finally have noticed very clear that I feel shame after I relapse/ejaculate.

I wonder where the fuck this shame comes from, I get you might be feel a down in energy, but the emotional pain, I think it shouldn't be seen as normal. 

So since i´ve been more receptive to emotions lately (never been in my whole life, for a protective mechanism) and I saw why i felt shame. I noticed my mind has this attitude of fapping makes me less valid human being. I´ve started to consider the reason of why I have been doing nofap if to feel more "sexually valid" and more valid as a human being..now I see that that is indeed ego trying to feel superior because naturally it feels inferior (lack of self-esteem).

I basically very very confused about my sexuality. I now pretty clear that using porn numbs a lot my sexual drive and motivation to meet women. However in the process I would want to know what is real and what is not. NoFap can be used as a self-deceptive mechanism so freaking easy. After this insight im not sure in fact that ive made any progress in the last 2 years. Just doing nofap streaks to feel that mania and confidence that now i just see as fake.

I guess really my only question is... So Humans beings are NOT measurable by material things / achievements? Is not that I am not less valid for my sexual life but rather than sexuality or any other material/achievement stuff doesn´t tell anything about the value of a human being right?

Edited November 14, 2019 by Javfly33