Moving into Stage Orange spirituality...Advice

[Matt23]

This is from an experience I had contemplating in the forest after smoking half a bowl of weed.  Posting this was inspired by a video I watched of Mooji several days later.  

Cannabis:  Blue Dream Sativa

I am not a regular smoker.  In the past month I've smoked 4/5 times, which is more than I've ever smoked in my adult life.

I smoked outside and then went walking in the forest.  

I see that it's all belief on my side.  I don't know what these people are talking about.  I've never had any of these experiences.  I don't know if they're jokers, crazy, or ignorant.  And to what degree? 

I felt scared to doubt it all.

Like I'd lose what love and connection I've felt from a supposed God or Infinity to something away from Truth. 

Like my skepticism is leading me away from it and further into

It's funny because, in the video, a women asked Mooji whether her feelings of profound connectedness she was having was from the ego or not.

Mooji said "Yes.  But in a healthy and Sattvic way.  A way that's coming from a higher consciousness that's close to Truth."

This reminded me of the experience I had recently which was the moment I started to really realize how much I'm believing in all spirituality and non-duality.

I smoked some weed and walked out in the forest.  I thought about death and thought "What would I feel and think about if I new I would die soon?".  At the start I thought maybe I would think I haven't made the most of my life.  Though, that thought started to feel less true, or not totally true.  I ended up looking up at the sky and realizing, or thinking, that I would feel like I didn't totally accept God's or reality's unconditional love totally.  I felt the love.  Love.  I felt like i wanted to keep it, to open up more and connect with it more.  To do whatever I could to allow it to enter.  Even if I had to believe.

I felt the love, partially, but it was there.  I wanted to keep that feeling going.  To open up more to it.  It was here that another part of me, the skeptic and critical thinker, started to join in.  I realized that these were personal feelings.  Coming from me.  I didn't know if they were coming from any God or Infinite universe.  That all I had about non-duality and God were beliefs.  That I was actually projecting a feeling I was having, or getting, from an image-thought of a Cosmic being into the sky where I was looking. 

When I thought critically about it the loving feeling went away.  It seemed like a materialist worldview was involved now, but the feelings are gone.  I noticed, and notice, I still want the feelings to come back, but can't know for sure if they're true or not.  Or even what they mean.

I also remember realizing I've been wanting and believing there to be a benevolent consciousness in the universe that wants me to be ok and look out for me.  I saw it as a belief.

I guess I'm torn between following and trusting this feelings of love and opening to it or being skeptical and critical about it.  Intuitive-feeling versus critical-skepticism.  

In terms of Myer's Briggs, I'm a feeling type.  I like to use intuition and feelings.  Critical thinking and openmindedness is also one of my top 5 strengths on Clifton Strength's assessment (I'd recommend it).  

I don't know what to do at the moment.

I feel torn between opening to the Love.   I feel like the wise thing to do would be to notice them as beliefs.  to go for Truth, whatever it is.  

I think my biggest struggle is that I'm scared of letting go of these feelings for Truth.  That I may be moving away from Truth.  That somehow, I might hurt myself or be worse off if I go with identifying the beliefs I have as beliefs and going to a more materialist worldview....  resulting in me, perhaps, feelings less "connected" or love or something.  I'm not sure.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Christer]

The spiral is perfect for understanding the conventional, where it goes and where you are. But thats projecting even more. All this spiritual lectures is ADDING to whatever has been accummulated. Yes, spiritual data works like heroin in the beginning, but you have to forget all of it. It has to be forgotten. 

That feeling which drove all that text into this post, what was that? The cumpulsion, wtf was it? Where did it come from? You can`t take a King`s meal away and expect him to be satisfied. He needs to consume it, contain it, integrate it. And as hes eating, he shuts up and chews. Everything happens within consciousness, so drop all these surface questions and ask final end questions. What is awareness, what is consciousness, what is an emotion, what is a phenomenon, what is impermanence. 

 

Best regards,

compulsion.

 

Edited September 29, 2019 by Christer