Feelings of aversion to Romantic Relationships? +

[Shir]

First off, I know I know...have already posted something similar...however, I feel the need to make it more crisp on writing and ask for some advise since sadly Therapy is NOT helping on the issue.

For reference, a Lady, 27, single and a virgin. Never been an in actual romantic relationships and the chances that came up - I thought were fruitful but they never came into actual fruition (things didn't work out, I was broken up with ect). To be honest, I'm grateful that everything turned out that way. It helped me understand what I'd really need in a partner (in general!) and what I don't want to settle for anymore and how I'd want to be treated ect. 

That being said, I'm at a point in my life where I honestly and whole heatedly feel an emotional aversion to even the notion of dating, men, romantic relationships...what have you. It's so hard to hold these feelings as they make me feel less of a woman and I feel alienated from the very notion of "normal" life in regards to the very basic thing of romance and marriage ect. It makes me feel like I have nothing to live for other that a career which at this point I feel like I'll never have my dream career or even get there and so all of this is weighing heavy on my heart. 

I've never felt this way until about a year-year and a half ago. These feelings came crashing on me all of a sudden and I feel emotionally suffocated at the very thought of being in a relationship. These feelings, have spilled into other areas as the idea of kids and even the very simple notion of dating itself. Mind you, I've NEVER dated before! Much less gone out on one date so I feel very odd to feel this way, especially at my age (where it seems like everyone has already experienced dating, marriage and even had a kid/s). I'm a VERY warm and social minded person (meaning, I don't mind being around people and my dream career has to do with taking care of people). I have no problem "being" social and being warm with men. 

And tbh? I feel like I get the point of relationships/marriage/kids ect but I don't FEEL the point anymore. It's really sad to feel this and I wish I knew a better way to articulate it but hopefully you guys get me, somehow. 

Also, I've noticed that after every online relationship ends - I feel RELIEVED. Like I can breathe again. 

It's shocking but even thinking about dating/men/relationships makes me tear up. Makes me honestly want to cry for how overwhelmingly sad it makes me feel deep inside (it conjours up sad feelings...not in a "why don't I have a bf?? way but rather THIS MAKES ME FEEL DEPRESSED TO EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING RELATIONSHIPS on a whole existential level!)

In therapy, my therapist said he believes I hold a deep fear of dating/getting hurt and while that's true I wouldn't say that makes me entirely not want to date. What makes me not want to date is this very looming, doomed feeling that I wouldn't be HAPPY in a relationship. I honestly feel like I'd lie next to a partner in bed and just cry and feel all alone. It's a horrible, horrible feeling to carry. It doesn't help to have depression and feel suicidal either. The other reason he mentioned were not having healthy examples of a relationship in my life and for that I agree completely. 

I'm also someone that NEEDS mental stimulation or else I get bored tbh. And, I'm sick and tired of men my age (and older!) constantly talking about dick, balls and sex. I'm sexual inside and play along and believe me by NO means asexual but honest to God it's too much and I cannot deal with that nonsense anymore. It's honestly like men have forgot how to act unless they talk about dicks and it's beyond a turn off...just saying! 

And, I know no one's perfect but sadly the only man I truly am interested in DESPITE all of these crazy feelings is my therapist and off course he's off limits lmao. 

Long story short - I just wish I knew why I feel this way about relationships and what to do about it.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Thank You. 

<3

EDIT - I don't know if this is important but I forgot to add on the social life. I've come to a point where I honestly feel no pleasure in going out with friends, this seems to have been a 2 year process in which these have become my honest feelings. It's nothing against them, purely my. At this point I only go out for THEM because I feel bad as a friend (I think I only go out maybe twice a year now). I don't feel like dressing up anymore to go out and be social and that was something I was really passionate about, as being a woman (getting dressed, dolling up) and now it feels emptyand I cannot wait to take everything off at the end. Looking at my watch, just waiting for the evening to end. So it seems like my aversion is in a sense also socially related but I thought maybe it didn't matter but also thought it wouldn't hurt to bring it up. It's just semi baffling for me because I'm naturally very social and welcoming and warm as a person and would do my best to help a stranger. 

Edited September 13, 2019 by Shir

[Shir]

....Anyone at all?