Experiencing My Second Panic Attack, Need Help

[loub]

About a week ago I had my first panic attack. It was the most intense suffering I have ever experienced. I would describe it as total hopelessness and rampaging insecurity of an intensity I have never felt before. There was nothing beyond this feeling, nothing good in my future. I was in a weird place where I was watching the suffering and was at once one with it. I saw the deceptive self-hatred and still believed it. I felt completely helpless and there was nothing I could do to stop it, nowhere to go. There was a strong feeling of it being too late, of me having surpassed the point where my aspirations, dreams and hopes and everything based in my higher values was still achievable. Like I now had to settle for mediocrity. All the while my breath was very short and my body shaking and my jaw clenched and a strong pressure pulsating on the top of my head. I vividly imagined being an utter failure and burden on everyone I know. A complete embarrassment of a man.

The thing that helped me was sleeping. I slept for solid 12 hours and woke up refreshed and throughout the last week I have felt an increase in hope and future-mindedness, social freedom and self-acceptance.

Now the feeling is back, not as strong but still strong enough.

Right now for me it is literally true that I can never find my life purpose, that I will be unable to progress anywhere. Mind you, I am twenty and see how that is probably nonsense but it is true nonetheless.

I'd appreciate anyone's imput who might be able to help me here. I don't think I got the discription down very well, I also tried to not overexaggerate and make a fool out of  myself. Just know that I am not in a good place right now.
Thank you.

Edited September 5, 2019 by loub

[MuddyBoots]

Hi loub, it sounds like you're have a hard time with this and not getting much support yet. I'll try and help with some suggestions, although I'm not an expert, I have experienced anxiety but not a full panic attack. I have a friend who does though.  I'd recommend looking at this in 2 ways: short term crisis management, and longer term life planning / wellbeing.

On the short term side, my friend belongs to a group called No Panic  https://www.nopanic.org.uk/ which is in the UK, I can see from your profile you're in Germany so don't know if you have an equivalent? Anyway, there's some free resources there including a crisis message about half way down the homepage with a simple breathing exercise, a body scan relaxation, a telephone helpline etc, plus extra stuff for members. If you can find exercises to break the cycle of negative thoughts that ought to help short term?

For the longer term, your worries centre around your life purpose and self-worth / self-confidence. Some of Leo's videos are on this general subject area, but his life purpose course is paid-for (I haven't done it so can't say either way). 20 years old is young enough to turn your life round (I've reinvented myself several times) so it can be done - I'll not say don't worry because I know it doesn't work like that. It did surprise me however that, when I did try a fresh start, it mattered a lot less than I expected about my previous jobs, unemployment, relationships etc. More important is focussing on the new situation.

What are your dreams and what does mediocrity look like to you?  Sounds like you could be a bit perfectionist with a black & white choice of either higher values or mediocrity (= utter failure).  This is all part of the self-destructive thought patterns which you can work on. Mindfulness is one helpful way here - I did a good free course on Future Learn https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/mindfulness-wellbeing-performance

Best wishes, Nick.

Edited September 5, 2019 by MuddyBoots