Contemplation - What is my worldview?

[andyjohnsonman]

 

I think that I am going through a transitional change in my life. I think I am improving and clearing out all the negativity from my life. I am trying to figure out what the fuck the world is all about. I am trying to understand a lot of what is talked about in actualised.org. My world view is heavily influenced by what Leo talks about. He could easily manipulate me as I listen to him and take his words as truth a lot more than other sources. This is how cults work they give you some growth and help you out with something then throw in a sneaky metaphysics. I think that generally people are good, but have selfish tendencies based on survival and ego. I think that people have a tendency to believe something and want to hold this belief as truth. I think I am above this and can think through the problems and see from other perspectives. I think that because I meditate occasionally it gives me some superpower and I dont fall into human traps as easily. I obviously do and can’t get over biological survival programming which was evident when I was terrified on a plane when it was having turbulence.

 

I am trying to figure out whether reality is physical or a giant mind. I think that I am a work in progress. I think that love is more than just sexual desire, there is pure love that can be given to anyone and its just a matter of being in the present moment and free from the ego mind. I think there’s more to life than survival but I still can’t figure out what isn’t survival. I have noticed how peaceful it is when the thoughts stop and I can just be in my body. I know how important good friendships are and family connections. I think health is very important and having a curious mind is something that can take you far in life. I admire people who have massive levels of enthusiasm and really want to be able to have this passion and level of energy on a daily basis but find it hard. I really enjoy sport, new experiences, new connections, good conversation, being playful, feeling like ive known someone my whole life when we just met, being a developed person and seeing the rewards this gives. I really wanna get good at loads of stuff. I feel I’ve wasted so much time in my youth pissing around and now wanna get involved with more stuff. 

 

I see myself as a good person, as funny, as reasonably clever, as fit, but not handsome even tho I think thats not massively important. I can get frustrated with my terrible concentration levels, laziness, procrastination. Chemicals in my body really control me. I noticed when im on drugs how much I crave those positive chemicals and avoid those negative ones. When I feel bad in my body I really let it affect me. I love my brother so much more than I could ever love anyone else. He’s perfect and even as a little brother he is someone I look upto. I see life as a journey, as experiences, as growing opportunities. I dont see life as something that should be run by your career. I value independence, free time, alone time, but also being with great people. Im at a period in my life where I feel I should make a decision for family and career if thats what I want. I love children and feel I would make a great dad. I feel to do that though I have to get all my shit sorted like career, finances and would have to sacrifice a lot and still dont know if its worth it however at the same time, time is passing and quickly.

 

I define great people as people who have a similar worldview to mine and similar interests. I’m scared of my parents dying and things moving on. I want things to remain. I feel time is moving too quickly, every year just passes by and we get older and closer to death. I dont know what happens when you die. Leo talks about there being nowhere else to go you are always here. This is a big reason I am into spirituality. I want to know everything will be ok when you die. I dont want to burn in hell for eternity or for that to be it.  Maybe all of this is feeding a confirmation bias as I feel better knowing that the Self will live forever. I just want to be happy but didn’t realise how complex happiness is. Theres just so much to it and it seems to be very counter intuitive. When I started reading books I thought because its a scholar you can believe it, but many scholars have conflicting viewpoints. 

 

I am very interested in psychology and feel it has become part of my identity. I’m at a stage where I think most things can be solved with kris, psychedelics, journaling and contemplation. How do I know this is the case as I haven’t had all my problems solved. How can I even be sure I have improved from these and not just matured as I get older. How can I know I have made any improvements at all?

 

I love different cultures learning new languages exploring and adventure. I can’t get over my need to sleep so much but have just realised this is a limiting belief.