Questioning everything while self-actualizing/PD

[Baldmunt]

Hey Guys, 

There's something i've been struggling with since i'm on a path of self-actualisation. I hope you can help me. First i'd like to show you a short summary of my journey so far to give you some backgrounds. Then i'll get to the point. You can skip the first part if you want :)! (P.s. i'm dutch so i hope you don't mind the bad grammar/word-use)

It started like 2/3 years ago. I had just graduated from University and i was working at my first ever fulltime job (Built environment) . Although my career was going well (i earned above average), i felt really depressed mainly because i was going bald and never had a girlfriend before. I was still very young and in the western culture balding at that age isn't very fun while people judge you on your physical appearence a lot. I had some deep neurotic problems. Beside the bald head one other mayor reason of my depression was the fact that i had nothing to live for. All my life i've been in school, studying for that one paper to finally get to 'work', earn my money  and pay my debts and bills.  My life was 'hollow' and i didn't know where to go next, my 'mind' was toxic and neurotic.

Somehow your deepest valley will give you the brightest light...

So....2nd half of 2017/begin 2018 i decided to improve myself.  I shaved my head bald and committed myself to work on my inner psychology. I got into therapy, read some books and watched some video's on youtube. Around one year ago i discovered leo's channel which really opened my mind. I was always interested in personal development, psychology, philosophy and spirituality and his channel fitted well. More and more i'm changing my rituals and i'm asking myself questions i've never asked before. Nowadays i meditate, journal, try to find my life-purpose, set goals for my relationships, career/business, health/fitness, etc. All this progress i made the last 1,5 year is giving me so much joy and satisfaction. I eventually found a girlfriend, something where i was struggling with my whole life. 

I just love the progress i'm making, i love the journey and it excites me what i can achieve next. I love to see all my old paradigms shift. I love to see that everything is internal and the concept that when you change your mind everything else changes. I love the simplicity of life, and i enjoy being just by myself with no distractions. It seems like i'm slowly waking up where other people are still running nowhere.

On the other hand.

Sometimes i think i'm losing my mind.  It makes me questioning everything, literally everything. Here are some examples:

Society & Economy:
This one is huge. I see so much bullshit. It's like people lack self-critisism. People are running nowhere. I feel like things are made way more difficult than they are supposed to be. I love the simplicity of life but society doesn't. People are hunting external pleasure, low-conscious and short-term solutions. A lot of people are depressed, have a burn-out ,do work they don't like, blame others. People are thinking way to rational. Everything is based on material growth and personal success (very individual). Money rules. It's like Society, the Economy are on a self-destructive path. What can i believe is true nowadays? How do i fit in with this (western)-society where my pace and  thoughts are radical different from the country i live in? Is it my ego that is making this distinction?  Am i to negative about society? Am i focussing too much on the negative aspects of society?

Work/Career/School:
I'm questioning my current job a lot. I don't like it. There is so much bureaucracy and inefficiency. I'm way more practical and irrational. The school system is way too conservative. I'm questioning my own study. The contrast between work and school is too big. 

Reality and Actualized.org:
Almost all things Leo talks about nowadays. I must admit that i'm not as far as he is and there for i'm questioning his latest conclusions. For example: he said that nothing is 'good' nor 'bad' but somehow he tells us that working on 'enlightenment' and 'self-actualization' is somehow better than just being lazy. 

I can make an endless list of those note's/questions. A lot of them are contradictory and are making me paranoia.  It's like i'm too open-minded to every possibility. "The opposite of 'dogma''.  It's like an information-overload. I am aware that this 'overthinking' might be a mechanism of the mind to avoid taking action or doing the things i should be doing.

Long story short, i want to know from you:

-Did/do you experience the same questioning.paranoia during your self-actualizing/personal development process?
and so: - How did you deal with this?

Edited February 20, 2019 by Baldmunt

[PetarKa]

@Baldmunt

I have experienced the same thing. What most helped me get over this paranoia was:

• Focused observation of my paranoia. Seek to understand your thought process on this topic. Writing your thoughts in a  journal goes along great with this.
• Contemplating my paranoia. Where is this paranoia coming from? Why do I need to be paranoid about this at all?

Hope this helped. Message me if you need anything else.