Aquarius

inside the chaos of nothingness

3 posts in this topic

Sprint

 

Picture this: beautiful sunny february morning. I wake up, no energy, completely lethargic. I get up, look at the clock and it's 8 am. I do some things around the house, then I remember I have to workout. I do some stretches but it's almost like my body isn't responding to my desires, something isn't right.

I can't work out.

I lay back in bed. I feel horrible. And it's not laziness. I ask my intuition waddup. My intuition tells me something like this:

"You can have all the answers to the universes greatest questions. But you have no questions."

This saddens me. What happened to me, where am I? I just lay in my bed and I swear I heard something falling. Gravity at it again. No thoughts, no emotions, pure stillness within. I close my eyes and meditate. And as I lay there it's almost like I see the room around me, except I have my eyes closed. I am in a deep trance. I feel cut off from God. Is this what dark night of the soul feels like? Why is it happening to me again? 

A family member comes in. Asks me if I'm sleeping. I open my eyes and glance at her, she smiles, radiates her love at me, but I'm empty. Tells me she goes shopping. I tell her I help, she shall give me time. 

Quick! I need structure, what to ground into now?? I thought maybe I watch my favourite astrology show. I'm lost. No, I cannot do that, astrology makes no sense at this level... 

I get up and we hear the doorbell ring. Distant relative comes to visit.

Is it 11 o'clock already...?

I carefully observe him, without judgement. Without expectation. He yells at me that "Wow, what a mens haircut you got! You look great!" I am not able to get out any intentions from his words. It's like I'm spiritually blind. I tell him that it's a womens haircut. He asks me what I do, and I tell that I practice sports. He asks me if I go to the gym or if I jog. I tell him that neither, I practice at home. And he starts making robotic movements with his hands. "Like this?" And I sort of started joking around, making a robotic dance. "Yeah like this!", I say, and I smile. 

He goes on to tell me that "There was a woman twice as fat as you, and she jogs 6 kilometers every day. Now she looks like you." And he makes wavy gestures with his hands, staring at my body. In my minds eye I see an hourglass. I think that's nice, seems like a compliment. I smile.

I got an idea that maybe I could go outside and jog too. Then I start to make excuses "But the psychopaths, but the mud!"

"They won't harm you, just do your thing." My relative says.

I ask him what weather is outside. "Sunny. And pretty chilly..."

That's all I need to know.

I dress up in my nicest clothes: a shirt, jogging pants and some fake Vans. And a beanie to cover this messy hair of mine that I ruined with cheap hairgel about a moment ago. I want to bring a sweater but I don't have any, all of the old ones are either too small or dirty right now.

Shit... I wasn't aware of my surroundings for weeks now! What do I do now!?

 

I get so angry, I don't know what to do. Pure chaos. I figure I'll need water. I get an old mineral water bottle and I fill it up with water. My distant family member laughs and asks what if I'm bringing water to my exercise, and laughs again. "It's ok sweetie, he doesn't know anything about sports, and you know so much!" my close family member reassures.

Her words fuel the chaos even more. What!?

 

How ignorant my relative was really! - I tell myself in my mind... How should I jog without water??? But I'll also be cold, I have no sweater. Am I forgetting something else too, maybe?

"You'll be cold!"

"Who cares if your clothes are dirty! Nobody will notice!" 

I look in the mirror. I'm very pretty. Now I can tell my distant relative disrespects me. "Yep. THIS is she." he says and laughs aggressively. I don't know what to say, because I feel in a weak position. 

"I can be left alone now." - I say in the end. And I leave the house.

 

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I go outside. It's about 3 Celsius I figure. Very energizing. I'm not sure where to go, I go in one direction, but quickly change my mind because I'm sad and I want to see my lover. I think he will be so angry if he sees me dressed in a simple shirt.. then if he yells at me I will have no energy to jog. He will shame the fuck out of me. 

 

Feels like a maze. So I just run. And so I do run and run, but my backpack is annoying me. So I stop and I get my backpack off and quickly repair the issue. It was too loose. What the fuck, this really feels like an impossible maze with big and small monkeys walking around my path, and I'm an invisible monkey. I cannot see myself but everyone.. no, EVERYTHING sees me. The All There is To Be of Life. I am cornered from all directions. I cannot do anything without causing an effect!

I get up, put on the backpack, the animal that I am, and I sprint again.

I am blind, I am deaf and I am mute. The only thing that is real is the extreme wind blowing to the opposite direction I am going. I use it to center myself. My sprinting slowly turns into a walk. Proud monkey.  :) 

 

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I got so far. I am now connected to All There is To Be. So instinctual. Mind empty, I don't feel anything. Reconnecting to the senses. What do I see? The sky, the trees... people again.

Somebody stares at me and I clench both my fists as a sign that I want to be left alone. Sort of like that hamster from that cartoon meme. I probably look like an angry gorilla now. I kinda care.

arthurmeme4-5af33950ff1b780020512d56.jpg

But I continue my walk.

I went too far, it's time to return now because I'm getting cold. So I return and I go home.

On the way home I get many stares and unpleasant reactions from people. I get asked by someone if I'm not cold by any chance. My instinct tells me to look him in the eyes and talk to him, but my conditioning tells me that talking to strangers is a bad thing. My mind is empty so I figure it's better to ignore. So I do so. He shakes his head and laughs. I sense that he isn't a bad person. 

I contemplate how much people care about each other. It's so beautiful. God is real.  :) 

Edited by Aquarius

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Between Life and Death

A letter to my body

 

I'm sorry I played tricks with you. I'm sorry I pushed you to limits that were inhumane. And you persisted, you never left me. I would've deserved to be left to death, but you kept me alive. I don't know why is this. Why are you so kind with me? It's not a matter of deserving, as I don't. I take each breath as it were my last, and I look through blinding eyes and blots of color are all that I see right now. Searching for something external to hold onto in these times of hanging, the hanging between regret and inaction. Searching for something to give you but you refuse everything now. 

You were always my best friend, and you are so beautiful. And you always were. I failed to recognize this. Even in these times of sickness and despair you never leave me. I don't want you to. This is serious matter and you cannot give up.. I can give you a tea maybe. Would it have any use for you? Could you use it to make something beautiful out of it?

You're cold. No one cared about you, and I tortured you. But you persist. How calm you can be in these times of pain.. You were teaching people patience with your every move today. Very nice, you served me well. Maybe it's time to dress you into something that would flatter you. Something that you can sleep in.

I love you a lot. You are my everything. 

You can be very playful. I just watch you in those times... You never hesitate to tell a need, but I refused to give it to you. I've been evil towards you all this time. Forgive me now. You deserve more and I've been letting you down lately. I used you and abused you. 

Now I need you more than ever.

I understand your need to hear something that is true. And the need to feel love and see beauty. And there's no excuses, I shall give you the opportunities to experience those before it's too late. You will be safe with me. 

We make good team. Be here with me for a little more...

 

 

 

 

Edited by Aquarius

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Pretend

 

You saw me and said to yourself that I'd be someone you could love. Someone passionate, honest and full of loving kind energy. Is that true though? Am I the person you are trying to imagine me to be? Or am I just someone that you dress with imaginary qualities?

In any case.. I am lonely as fuck. I don't have anyone to go out with. I'd gladly settle for less.... And I try, I try to love you.. but you're sooo not my type. I cannot possibly feel any type of attraction towards you. I try to pretend, day by day.. and well, shit getting serious.. You're giving me expensive gifts, I don't even know how can you afford that to yourself! Your mom grew fond of me.. she's giving me gifts too now. I feel vulnerable...

I fell asleep with her ring on my hand. Guilty as hell.

How cruel can love be. A dirty exchange between man and woman. Or two individuals, for the matter. You give me comfort, I give you care. You give me abundance, I give you a home. You give me pleasure, I give you my loyalty. You give, you give, you give me and I take it, take it, take it and transform it. The polar opposites of yang and yin in motion. 

Although, I well know it's just a matter of survival. You are thinking about our next big move.. a family together, outings with your new car.... But me!? I am lost about thinking about my next big hit. My next jackpot of a man's heart I can win ... then toss it away, like the other ones.

No one will replace my first true love. A love I keep in my heart, while on the outside I'm just a cruel vamp looking for the next ride. 

 

L’amour fait les plus grandes douceurs et les plus sensibles infortunes de la vie....

 

I know I should feel bad. And I do... on a different level. I do allow myself these dreams, of something different, of something safe and a place where I can get all the nurture for my growth. But I'm here... you tell me that you love me, and my chest contracting, I think of all the guys I talk to, and I reply "Cute. I do too."......Damn it.

Sometimes I just want you to give me what I want, so I can have it then move on. It's all I'm here for.

And yet, our partnership seems to grow stronger roots, stronger bonds... I feel like it is growing into different dimensions. You're dreaming of the romantic France.. a new life there, a new beginning. For me, death itself. A new opportunity to get away from you. But I'm next to you.

Wonder how much it will last. I try and remain patient.

 

Chacun voit midi à sa porte. Qui court deux lievres a la fois, n’en prend aucun.....

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Aquarius

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