Ayahuasca Trip Report *Black Magic

[Vinnie]

• Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

This was my first flight overseas. I went alone, without knowing any Spanish. My shaman (Don) spoke English so I didn't bother. I met him and another participant (Dennis) at the airport. I recognized him immediately upon exiting the gate. Good first impressions, I liked him from the start. We took his truck to the camp some way outside Iquitos. I was very excited and soaked in the humidity of the jungle with fervor. We first picked up the caretaker (Roberto) who has a house walking distance away. The lodging was sufficient. Comfortable beds with mosquito nets. Dennis disagreed. I didn't care. I only cared about the ayahuasca. I specifically came here for the reputed strength of Don's brew. Everything else is trivial. 

Don picked up the other participant (Paul) the next morning. There would be three ceremonies over a six day period. A days rest in between. The first day was an oje purge. It was tough. After drinking the oje we had to drink a litre of water every half an hour consecutively until we'd drank seven litres in total. I started puking after the third litre. 

Ceremony 1: Cielo

We all started with half a cup and if we felt up for it, we could have another when Don offered. We drank simultaneously. It takes roughly half an hour to come on. When it did, It was eerily instantaneous. I felt it immediately. It was like a sudden shift in tone or frequency. I practice Qi Gong daily and I was practising up to this point. My breathing became free flowing and incredibly powerful. In a way that's difficult to convey. Like there was no start or end point, but just continously rolling throughout my body like a tidal wave. It was intensely physical. I felt deliciously, perceptually sensitive. It spiked an alter ego within me. I felt regal and primal. Like a chief or warrior king. I sat in my plastic chair like it was a throne. After some time Don asked if anyone would like another dose. No one spoke up. Despite my veneer of power, I was very apprehensive. But Don was very patient. After a few seconds, I stepped up. Again, despite my illusion of omnipotence, I approached Don's desk on shaky legs. Another couple seconds, then I mustered what courage I had and forcefully expelled all my breath, ready to inhale... 

There was no buffer time. It hit me instantly. I couldn't find my chair at first. I reached it with the strength of a decrepit, elderly man. When I sat down, my body suddenly broke out in a fever. I took off my shirt. My torso was covered in sweat. I'm pretty sure I was detoxifying. Panting like a dog, I called out for help. No response. I called out a few more times and actually started to get pissed off, which gave me strength. Dennis spoke up for me which I think prompted Roberto. He held out his hand but I couldn't move. I felt like a dead weight. I asked for water but he didn't understand English. I slouched in my chair, wallowing in self-pity. I think Don translated for him because he did return not long after with a cup of water. I thanked him. Remarkably, I quickly returned to my prior state, ten fold. Without any effort, I sank into ecstasy. 

Then seemingly out of nowhere, my naked torso got covered in bugs. I never felt them crawl up my legs or drop onto me. Later I would learn I was sitting under a rafter that had an ant infestation. They come a lot bigger in Peru than in New Zealand so I thought they were something else. At the time I'd deluded myself into believing I'd actually manifested them! They bit me but it didn't really hurt and I picked them off casually. I eventually stopped that even and sank into ecstasy again. My alter ego spiked more so. The creepy crawlies swarming my body sent my imagination on a trip. I thought of a gestalt intelligence and likened myself to one. Beware of the potential for delusion. In saying that, the power of my belief did have a physiological effect. The repercussions were earth shattering.

I returned to my breath but at the moment of intent it was like creation caved into an infinitesimally, dimensionless point in the pit of my navel. It was everlasting. It felt like density manifest. Like I was literally creating out of nothing. Every passing moment increased the load until I couldn't contain it any longer. It overwhelmed me and I let go. I was playing with fire and now the house was burning down. I thought I was dying. I don't know how, but I just remember being in agony. It did pass though. I came out the other side vowing never to utter or peep anything in relation to spirituality ever again because until you've faced death, you don't know shit. 

I regained my composure again and this time, something else arose. Empathy. For everything that suffers. I thought especially of those in my life. Compassion permeated my being. Intense suffering is liberating if it breaks your mind. I sat at my bed for what felt like hours, in stasis. Time moved extremely slowly and so did my body. I was a zombie. For the rest of the night, I moved about in this state of dissociation around the dormitory. Absent minded. A kind of rapture. Eventually I got into bed, which set in motion a relapse of emotional anguish. It too, died slowly. Love hurts.

Ceremony 2: Negro

Sitting in my chair this time I took note of the silence. So I decided to keep it as such. I would be still, silent and simply meditate. Nothing happened for a long time, even as the ayahuasca took hold. I felt the shift but remained mindful. It did start to gradually disorientate me. It's much harder maintaining control when you're not actively regulating your breath. I started experiencing vertigo. So I focused on drawing from the earth, up through my feet to keep myself from fainting. It worked nicely and kept me grounded. I highly recommend it as a practice actually. It all came to pass and again, I returned to meditation. 

After a time, Don got out of his seat and walked past me. To Dennis. He asked him if he'd like to receive healing to which Dennis obliged. At that moment I had a realization. Stop making everything about yourself. It's not about you, it's about other. I realized how self-centered I am and that life, in fact does not revolve around me. Life is about service. This might seem obvious but never had this prior intellectual knowledge actually soaked into my being. In that moment, it was as if I dissolved into my surroundings. My point of reference shifted from where my body would of been, to David. It's worth mentioning I also came to realize the roots of ayahuasca. I came to Peru because I wanted the most powerful and authentic experience possible. I knew drinking from it's birthplace, in a ceremonial context would potentiate a stronger experience.

Black magic is very much still alive in parts of the world. Don told us of his experiences the day before and they boggled my mind. Given enough time, I have no doubt that I can completely understand everything there is to know. I feel like I already have a hazy understanding formulating as I type. The maloka was near pitch black and my current state had de-focused my eyes, so I couldn't see. I had no idea what was happening but it sounded disturbing to say the least. I kid you not, watching a recording you would of thought you were watching a satanic ritual. Be that as it may, I was completely devoid of judgement. My concentration and power of intention was out of this world and it was entirely benevolent. Externally focused. When I say that, I mean to say that everything is actually internal. There is no such thing as an external world. To cut it plain and simple, I was an angel. I could feel electricity coursing down my arms to my hands. It felt harsh and volatile.

In Dennis's place, I envisioned a green light. I began praying for him. Not from a place of desire but solace. Not for a second, did I lapse in concentration. When he got back to his seat I realized I'd made an error. The light turned white and my prayer concluded. I began inhaling from his direction and then expelling it, up and out. Think John Coffey from The Green Mile. This went on for some time. Then out of the blue, I grabbed my bowl and started puking. For the first time since I'd arrived. Then intense deja vu hit me. I recognized this moment as pivotal in my life. Then I had another insight. Into the nature of disease. My perception of Dennis changed. I stared at him for a long time, unflinching. Then to Don. My admiration for him grew. His work is burdensome to say the least.

I started having full blown visions when I got to bed. Entwined with insight after insight. Particularly into the nature of psychic ability. I can't stress enough how unbelievably empowering it is to fully open your third eye. It's like everything becomes crystal clear and life just opens up for you. It dissolves confusion and self doubt. Mental illness becomes a misnomer. It's like you're cheating. You can even physically feel it. Right in the centre of your brain, it's your own personal transponder. It's your internal guidance system. I got up early in the morning to clean the camp. 

Ceremony 3: Cielo + chacruna

Nothing could of prepared me for this. I was very arrogant leading into the final ceremony. I finally got some sleep the night before. I hadn't slept properly since I'd arrived. I'd been in and out of meditation throughout the day and my third eye was on standby. Don gave me a hard look as we approached the maloka. As the ayahuasca came on I was overcome with humility. I remembered the way Don had looked at me before and my attitude on the day. Not bad per se, but arrogant nonetheless. I felt chastised. I was drowning in humility. I'd never felt like this before. Then something extraordinary happened. The lights went out. Then I woke up. In pure, naked, awareness. I had no memory. Of my life or identity. In it's place was just wonder and awe of existence. To this day I still can't believe we've been gifted with it. It's astounding. 

Names started coming to mind but I had no idea who they were. I had no idea who I was! I asked the question but it didn't make sense. Disappointingly I didn't stay on it for long. The fact that I'd retained thought and language itself amazed and distracted me. Don began a particularly soothing icaros which I thanked him for. Hearing my voice kickstarted my memory and slowly everything came back to me. Don began another, picking up the pace. Despite his old age, the energy he channels during a ceremony amazes me. I was well and truly exhausted but he only seemed to be getting started.

Things took a turn for the worst. Don showed no signs of slowing down. I hadn't noticed but Dennis wasn't having a good time. He's also an older guy too. In poor shape. Can't walk a few metres without panting and breaking out in a sweat. I could see he was in clear physical turmoil. Dennis voiced his displeasure but Don took no notice. It even seemed to invigorate him. Dennis repeated himself, to no avail. He was talking to a brick wall. His pleas became desperate. Eventually he got a response. A creepy, juvenile giggle. Then he resumed. It was tough to watch. I was well aware of the dark undercurrent of the ceremonies. Nature isn't friendly. Understandably, that's just life for itself. Only now had it surfaced. The atmosphere was sadistic. I couldn't tolerate it. Dennis saved my ass in the first ceremony too. So I was obligated... Don! 

The depth and authority in my voice surprised me. He did stop too. He gave a meek but insidious reply. I said nothing. He knew what he was doing. After a long pause, he had the nerve to start up again. So I walked out. Legs like tree trunks, I'd adapted since the first ceremony. I approached Don's desk, thanked him quickly and turned to the door. Roberto was seated next to it. He'd been present in every ceremony, but for the most part I'd forgotten about him. He walked me back to my dormitory after the first ceremony when I got lost, which I was very grateful for. He was a statue. He didn't meet my eyes. He felt evil as I walked past him.

Life isn't black and white. It's a spectrum and most people are grey.  

Edited January 2, 2019 by Vinnie