My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very deep and nice concentration.

[Thittato]

Second session of therapy

Yesterday: The 45 min of meditation already mentioned, and then second session of therapy. I'm very impressed with this therapist, and I'm very satisfied with this therapeutic work we have already done in only two sessions. Engagement in my job has increased quite a lot. Not only the results from therapy so far, but the sense of safety in knowing I'm in good hands related to my various challenges in life. Since I'm a social worker in a psychiatric hospital I'm working within the therapeutic field myself, and I'm experiencing a lot of the classical dynamics in such a field, even though it is not psychotherapy I'm doing, but still there are a lot of the things like transferrence and counter-transferrence and stuff like that I'm experiencing, so that going to a psychotherapist to clear out a lot of the experiences that can tend to get clogged up inside myself related to this social field I'm operating in - that only makes a lot of sense.

Today: 45 min meditation. Very nice and powerful experience.

 

[Thittato]

Yesterday: 45 min of meditation
Today: 45 min of meditation.

Very nice and deep concentration both days.

[Thittato]

Yesterday: 45 min meditation

Today: 1 hour

[Thittato]

Third session of therapy

Tuesday: 45 min meditation and third session of therapy. We did a guided regression journey deep into my first memories of abandonment and being alone in this world. Memories of me being left alone as a baby crying for hours without anybody coming to comfort me came up. I'm not sure if I was being "manipulated" into these memories, or if they are actually true, but at least they became powerful images of early abandonment and some truths about life I could have possibly internalized at these moments. So the point of this regression journey was to catch the moments when these "truths" about life where being made, and to gain full access to these feelings and to understand that now I'm a grown up who has the skills to re-parent myself and offer myself regulation and comfort. So naturally this created quite some waves after this of these feelings hitting me pretty hard, but surprisingly I've been able to surf these waves pretty well. I think I have most likely been able to process out a lot of the charge around this already, but it remains to be seen.

Wednesday: 45 min sitting in the feelings from yesterday therapy-session. I had quite some panic about being back into therapy again and thinking that there is going to be a really hard job ahead of me now, but surprisingly these feelings where alleviated quite a lot as the day went by and I was really in a nice state of flow throughout the evening, but feeling more vulnerable and probably emotionally accessible instead of in my normal stubborn defensive persona bubble.

Thursday: 45 min meditation. Really deep and flowing concentration. Felt magical and down-to-earth at the same time.

[Thittato]

No meditation friday, saturday, sunday and monday. Today (tuesday): 45 min meditation.

[Thittato]

4th session of therapy

Wednesday. No meditation

Thursday: 4th session of therapy. Inner child healing. Projecting a 6-7 year old version of myself into a chair with a pillow in it a few meters in front of me. The therapist has revealed a charge around my inner child that was already active at this point. I describe how I see myself as this 6-7 year old. Sad, insecure, looking down into the floor. Then I pick him up as the pillow and put him on my lap and hug him and tell him that everything is going to be all right. I get tears in my eyes and feel incredibly sad. So I just sit there and hug him. It seems like the sorrow is endless. But at some point he actually starts to feel comforted so he is happy again, I put him back into his chair, he looks happy and he want to run off and play with his friends. Amazing session. Very interesting to work with projections like this, and to see that the images I get up are coloured by deep emotional unfinished states stored in me.

Friday (today): 45 min meditation. Deep and mellow concentration.

[Thittato]

Saturday: 3 sets of kettlebell snatches.
Sunday: 20 min vinyasa flow yoga
Monday: Light parkour style stuff in a park with a friend
Tuesday(today): 20 min vinyasa flow yoga

We have a big and dangerous guy again as a patient in the psychiatric hospital I'm working in, which reminded and inspired me about the necessity of staying fit, so my practice is turning to physical practices again for a while.

It feels very right regarding where the combination of meditation and therapy has brought me for this period. I'm continuing therapy, btw, but there will be a little gap between last session and the next one.

[Thittato]

Also 3 sets of kettlebell snatches, including warm-up, today, now in the evening. Vinyasa flow yoga and kettlebell snatches have turned into my foundational fitness routine that I return to again and again. It feels like a really nice combination.