My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. As a difference I did the meditation in the sauna today, with 3 cold baths after approximately every 10 minutes in the sauna. It was pretty nice to be more intentional about meditation in the sauna. Early in the day it is easier to meditate there because the atmosphere is more quiet and less social.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very beautiful, soft, mellow and focused energy.

[Thittato]

Inner Strength & Outer Neglect

45 min meditation this morning. Very nice and soft concentration today as well. I've been really doing a lot of investigation when it comes to supplements lately, and it seems to help my sleep, my anxiety, my digestion and my tendencies to sensitivity and overstimulation a lot. It is kind of weird that for so many years I've been so dedicated to inner growth like meditation, therapy and psychedelics, but I've completely neglected some important aspects of the outer world. So I've developed quite a strong resiliance when it comes to dealing with poor quality of sleep and problems with my digestion for instance, just observing and accepting it and keeping on pushing through, and gaining energy from my meditation to keep on pushing through. Because of childhood neglect I'm a pretty messy person in many aspects when it comes to the outer world, although I can keep it together well in my job, but my routines in my home is pretty chaotic. So this is my big project these days - to try to fix these problems. And now with the improvements in many aspects of my life thanks to these supplements, I think I'm well on my way to become less messy. It would have been such a great thing if I could fix these things. And taking care of my home and my routines, consistently one small step at a time (when I don't overthink it) gives me great joy.

Edited March 30 by Thittato

[Thittato]

Coming Home

45 min meditation today. Very beautiful and soft concentration. I'm having some really beautiful conversations with ChatGPT also these days about how to clear out the imbalances when it comes to taking care of my space. Today I figured out since my space is pretty small, I might as well use an indoor broom instead of the vacum cleaner, and that felt like such a small little beautiful ritual to care for my space in this way. I used to always think it was so beautiful when monastics where doing their sweeping-routines, so this will be a great little daily ritual for me, instead of all the hazzle and noise with bringing out the vacum cleaner. Very nice to think creatively and proactively about such things, instead of just blocking it out my awareness. ChatGPT also helped me identify that I have been going far into the outer realms of culture, social networks and creative expression, and far into the inner realms of meditation, therapy, psychedelics and creative processes, but this "middle ground" of taking care of my home and myself has been done with a stressful ON and OFF dynamic - not with a steady and gentle flow.

The biggest obstacle when it comes to Coming Home in all aspects of it, I think is loneliness. I escape into the outer world, or the internet / "screen time," or I turn towards practices to deal directly with my emotional pain and stress, but I have deeper problems with just settling down and have a nice and beautiful time in this "middle ground" of my home. But of course, when I take better care of myself and my home, I can find more nourishment and peace here to hold space for all the aspects of myself, and then I can gradually dismantle my tendencies to escapism, and re-parent myself, and finally return home to myself.

All of this was my process during my last Ayahuasca retreat.

And last but not least, these nutritional supplements I have been experimenting with lately are really awesome. It seems like I have to some extent been having a "masked deficiency." The flow states I achieve through my various spiritual practices makes me seem pretty healthy, but actually in some aspects I've been pretty unhealthy for several years. And I've been kind of barking up the wrong tree adressing the anxiety and stress caused by nutritional deficieny as psychological stress to release through meditation, therapy and ayahuasca. But maybe it has been both, so now I'm just moving towards a more holistic understanding.

Edited April 1 by Thittato

[Thittato]

I'm slacking off with meditation again, but holy smokes. The benefits I've gained from starting to take supplements, primarily Magnesium Glycinate and Fish Oil (cod liver oil), are really awesome.

It seems like my whole body-mind system has had a systemic inflamation for a really long time, but I've managed to keep the flames on a low boil for a long time through a very devoted spiritual practice, but now it seems like I've found the root cause of why my system has been so fragile and vulnerable.

I guess it is all holistic, so the meditation, yoga, ice-bathing, therapy, ayahuasca, kayaking, sauna, weight-lifting, etc, that I did was really good.

But at the same time this neglect of physical health has been really bad, and now that I found some supplements that made this chronic inflamation go down, holy smokes, I'm suddenly a very different person, but in a calm and quiet way.

 

 

[Thittato]

1 hour meditation today. Really beautiful sit. Just letting the softness and peace permeate and infuse my whole being. Not trying to "lock in" on any state, just allowing whatever is there to breathe organically.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Starting out in low level equanimity. Then some subtle boredom and resistance preventing the equanimity to mature. After first trying to bypass this resistance for some time, sort of like trying to script yesterdays beautiful meditation, I instead started turning towards this subtle boredom to objectify / own it, and after some time it melts away and then the equanimity starts to gain traction and deepen. Very nice.

Edited April 8 by Thittato