My meditation journal

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches. This thing I have going regarding meditation and kettlebells seems to be holding up very well these days.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches today. Both were great.

[Thittato]

Yesterday: 3 sets of kettlebell snatches

Today: 45 min meditation

[Thittato]

3 sets of kettlebell snatches today. Feels really good. I'm really staying with these kettlebell snatches, and it feels like my body is starting to stabilize into a higher baseline of confidence, strength and fitness. I have found something sustainable.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. Very nice.

[Thittato]

Professional challenges, close to burn-out, contacting my doctor, the HR-department and increasing my daily meditation.

Two sessions of 45 min meditation today. I'm going through a challenging period related to my job, and my mind just keeps wallowing around in drama and the victim-role, so I need to increase my mediation to feel empowered again. I have also contacted my doctor and the HR-department, to see if they can help me with this. Basically the department I'm working in got transferred to a new building and a new role 3 years ago, and nobody is really satisfied with how our job changed, and this new job is burning up our emotional capital like crazy, and none of us have that spark in our eyes that we used to have, and all of this is starting to take its toll on me as well, so now I need to intensify the counter-measures to this situation. Maybe I need to leave this job and find a healthier place to be, but to begin with I hope to find a mentor that can coach me through this situation and make me feel empowered again. It is thanks to two really good sessions of meditation that I can think so clearly about this now, instead of just "I need to get away from this crazy shit!"

Edited February 13 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, and 3 sets of kettlebell snatches.

Holy smokes, I've been feeling close to burn-out for about two weeks, and then all it took was that 1,5 hour of meditation yesterday, and now I'm feeling really replenished. 

Some heavy frustrated and depressive emotional process that was in my body/mind system needed to get metabolized.

But anyways, I will still seek out some kind of mentorship regarding how to better thrive in my job.

[Thittato]

Yesterday: 1,5 hour of meditation.
Today: 45 min of meditation.

I woke up feeling really depressed about this job and my situation in life, but meditation really changed that. I think it is very important that I understand the instability I'm facing. I'm battling burn-out, but suddenly get some intense surges in energy thanks to meditation, but that doesn't mean the problem is over, so when I talk to my doctor and the HR-apartment it is important that I don't loose this overview if I go there during one of these surges in energy.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really great session. I've been cross-country skiing for two days in a row as well. Almost seems like this close to burn-out feeling I had is gone. Maybe boosting up on meditation, together with going into cross-country skiing was enough to get me out of some job-related winter-depression. I didn't ice-bathe this winter, which I have usually done to get a kick out of winter, but now cross-country skiing seems like a really cool winter-activity. I was visiting my doctor today, and I explained my situation, but it was impossible to be actually get anything out of him with the positive energy I came to him with, but I think the HR-department is where I'm going to get the counselling I need to better deal with my job-situation, so I guess I'm switching around from a victim of the situation to an empowered individual seeking out proactive ways of improving my job situation, so that is probably a very good thing. Anyways, I'm really impressed by how quickly meditation can improve my energy and state of being. 

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really great. 

[Thittato]

3rd time cross-country skiing. Longest session so far - 12 km.

45 min meditation yesterday as well. No meditation today. I didn't have time before I was going to go out skiing with a buddy. We drove to a skiing center one hour from where we live, and followed a really beautiful 12 km roundtrip up a beautiful mountain. I'm very happy with having re-discovered cross-country skiing. Now I have skiing in the winter, and kayaking in the summer, and they complement each other perfectly. It is like the older I get the more I discover the everyday joy of all the normal things that the normies are into. There must be some kind of aversion/resistance towards normal life that is gradually getting healed more and more. The need to be special is dissolving more and more, and maybe all the daydream fantasies about living somewhere else in a different more ideal and exotic life - all those fantasies I used to escape into because life was too difficult to deal with when I grew up, I think there is some gradual easing up on these tendencies as well, even though they are deep-rooted.

Edited Friday at 10:11 PM by Thittato

[Thittato]

No meditation yesterday, 45 min today. Gosh, I got really sick from the physical exertions of a long cross-country skiing session on friday. Fever and a cold, and pretty heavy depressive thoughts. It seems to lift a little bit now. Hmm........ It wasn't the wisest thing to embark on this skiing project in the middle of the crisis I'm in. Even though nothing has been fixed regarding the structural problems in my life related to work, intensifying my meditation generated a lot of energy, and then I found a channel to pour all that energy into. But all right, this cold is probably mostly over by tomorrow, and I'll keep on meditating and looking for solutions to this crisis I'm in. Neither the doctor, nor the HR-department really had anything for me, except the HR-department said I could go talk with a priest in the hospital I'm working in. It kind of feels like a joke that they don't have tools to take care of their employees who are standing in emotionally draining situations. But yeah, I work in public mental health care, and our services sucks, and I guess it only makes sense that our services towards our own employees also sucks. But I will try out the opportunity to talk with a priest. My main-goal to begin with is just to get some clarity on the situation. But probably I should just seek out a private therapist that is actually providing some real and good therapy.

[Thittato]

Second session of 45 min meditation today. Very deep and nice concentration and stillness. Feels like I'm almost back on my feet again. Gosh, this cross-country skiing adventure was a bit crazy to go so hard into when I was almost burned-out before intensifying meditation started to give me energy again. But well, well. Winter is almost over here now, so I hope I can just continue to refuel myself, and then spring will soon add to that, and at least I was getting something out of winter this time as well, and not just darkness and depression. 3 good sessions of cross-country skiing and 3 good sessions of ice-skating. But yeah, work was really challenging. This emotionally draining job is especially hard during winter.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. I was feeling better today, but as the evening approached the fever combined with the frustrations and dark outlook on life were increasing again. I took paracetamol and ibux, and the combined reacting of this chemistry together with the spiritual process of meditation brought about a pretty nice state of surrender that I was grooving on throughout meditation. If anything there is still an imbalance in my psyche so that when I'm low on energy I feel like a looser, and when I'm high on energy I feel like a winner, almost to the point of having narcissistic tendencies. I hope to ride out these rough edges of highs and lows in my psyche and become a more humble and compassionate person, but there is clearly some deep metabolization of the trauma / dark night energies in me that I'm still in the process of purging.

[Thittato]

Alright, so I've been having it really terrible, but seemingly what happened was that we had a huge influenza-outbreak at my job that was really starting to hit at thursday the 19th, and then, in my manic state after having temporarily conquered my burn-out with meditation, I went on this long cross-country skiing trip on friday the 20th, and I was already frazzled from lack of sleep, burn-out stuff, and some mild cold stuff that has been going on the whole winter which I have never fully recovered from, but by share luck (or unluck) I was finally granted a good night of sleep before this skiing trip, and I pushed my body way too hard, and then when I woke up on Saturday I was totally crushed, and now I've been having the flue since then, and it didn't hit me so hard physically. Some running nose and fever and stuff, but the depression that came along with it hit really, really hard, and of course all these burned-out narratives got really badly mixed into this state. But it does feel like it is depression that comes from a temporary infection. So anyways. Not sure how to proceed with this - but I have finally booked an appointment with a therapist now, and that is way over due.

The depression has hit so hard that it has been impossible to meditate, and I have more just been really disgusted by how hard I have to fight myself to keep a flow going by sitting down again and again to meet and breathe with these really, really uncomfortable feelings, but now there is finally some lightness entering so I think I can do a session of meditation.

All of this was in many ways a very unfortunate process, but I'm glad it finally pushed me to seek out a therapist again.

It is very scary to see how much hubris that can build up when I'm feeling good, and now I'm literary at the point where I'm praying to God for help and guidance.