In regards to the dark side of meditation.

[lmfao]

I'm making this thread so that I hopefully help others in dealing with the dark side of meditation and the negative emotions that arise from meditation. I've been meditating for about 8-9 months and experienced a fair chunk negativity (but lots of positivity as well) with my practice. All I'm going to do is reflect on what are the causes behind much of the struggle I went through and maybe it'll cause an "aha" moment for someone. It's only recently I think I noticed the cause of so much of the unnecessary suffering I've went through. I might start off with a bit of a tangent in the next paragraph. 

Whenever you first get into personal development and consciousness work, you'll be exposed to all sorts of simple truths and fundamental ideas. E. G. Four noble truths, acceptance of the present moment, counter-intuitive moves and etc. When I hear these ideas it's easy for me to think "well of course, I know that". I'll say to myself that I understand something, but then the exact moment that I have to apply that truth I forgot about out. And I'll not even notice that I even forgot about the truth because of low awareness. 

I typed all of the previous paragraph to just come back to the simple truth you hear that happiness and enlightenment is about accepting the present moment. An extremely counter-intuitive truth is this (I'm making up the exact phrasing here): to "not care" (using quotation marks because there's a little bit more to what I'm saying than just this phrase as it can be misinterpreted) about enlightenment is what will get you closer to enlightenment. Or in other words, by remaining motionless ("motionless" in a metaphorical sense) you start moving towards enlightenment. 

As far as my personality type goes, I can be a perfectionist and I'm neurotic. A key point I want to emphasise is this: whenever you are meditating, do not be concerned with the progress you are making. Stop that completely. Do not become worried or anxious if your awareness is low. Do not become worried or anxious about trying enforce any of the advice I give here, because that will result in you not following the advice. You cannot force awareness. No, let me say that shit again because this truth needs to be unforceably embodied in every cell in your body if you're a novice like me. You cannot force awareness. Do you see how there's a bit of a paradox in what I'm asking? It's almost as if im asking you to try to stop trying, which creates a paradox. But don't stress about the paradox, just do whatever you want to do. 

There have been times where after a long meditation session I've felt a deep pit of despair and depression. What will happen is that during meditation I will experience negative sensations. To elaborate:I'll have intense waves of  irretibility and restlessness, intense leg pain, feelings of sadness (as well as frustration and anger) arising, I'll have have frequent involuntary/subconscious muscle contractions (e. G. l'll be straining/contracting my facial muscles and as a result my face will be shaking. This sensations involved are more neutral than negative, its just that I associate a negative meaning to it. ). 

And as these negative feelings and sensations arise, I'll obsess about the fact that those feelings are there. I'll try to forcibly be aware of something and have limited success. This pattern of thought and behaviour can easily lead to temporarily exacerbating neurosis. I've had previous glimpses of enlightenment and my ego will be neurotic about recreating those same glimpses and non-dual states. I'll be obsessed with achieving my egoic perception of positivity and that will create the opposite effect to what I want. 

Within meditation we are often try to direct our attention and awareness, and it's the intent behind our attention that determines what will happen. To illustrate my point, I want you to try a little experiment. I want you to play as close attention as possible as you can to the words in this sentence and the meaning it is trying to convey. Just keep trying to focus intently on the words you're reading. And as you are reading this, is it perhaps the case that you've tensed up your eyes, forehead and face? (in conjunction with other muscles in your body?) Did the tensing up actually achieve anything? Or is it a conditioned reaction which is indicative of something deeper about your psychology? 

Awareness and mindfulness should arise from a place of genuine curiosity about reality. Trying to generate mindfulness and awareness from the intent of "fixing" your mind, fixing your experience, "improving" yourself, will have potentially disastrous side consequences. Many things will arise during meditation, and equanimity is of utmost importance. 

Edited December 3, 2018 by lmfao