Consciousness, Grief and Broccoli

[Vaishnavi]

Am I really making this entry? wow. 

 

Hi.

(Hi?) 

Ok, writing this journal (a public one) is an act of being vulnerable to me. For a lot of people it comes handy, easy, and I envy that? Yea maybe. 

Maybe I’ve been so rigidly perfect all my life that putting out the fact that I am in truth, not that person and that most of it was just a facade.. well it's not the most comfortable confession, but since I do not see a place (or a person) I can open up to without fear of losing something (a relationship, a specific perception of me by someone) I thought a public (maybe anonymous) journal would be good but since anonymity takes away the whole 'I want to be vulnerable’, I decided to rest the idea of making a fake account. 

(Is this detail necessary?)

Aside from the whole 'I want to express myself’, I write this journal also as a tool for self-exploration. For instance the feelings and emotions that I experience right now as I write this entry itself tell me quite a bit about my being and that is.. happy news.

One thing that I will make an effort to keep up with is that of being honest and sincere in my writings, or else I won't (write).

And if you relate to any of it, yay! I’d like to hear that. 

Edited November 8, 2018 by Vaishnavi

[Vaishnavi]

Hidden Assumptions 

Quote

“You can’t believe everything’s your fault unless you also believe you’re all powerful.”

-Gregory House (M.D.)

I've always liked the show, precisely cause it's so real and without pretence (I don't mean the medical cases Greg comes across, if you know what I mean). I have this "sacred page" in my digital notebook where I keep all the quotes I like and I found it today, and it got me. (don't make the post unnecessarily lengthy)

I'm paraphrasing Greg to show how it fits into my reality. 'I can’t believe everything is my fault unless I also believe that I am the one in control'. 

Control is a more appropriate fit I guess. I used to believe I am flawed and defective and things are wrong cause I am at fault. But it also implied that I am the responsible one, that i have the power to change it, that I am the one who eventually have control. I've always made efforts to become the control freak I idolise, play the God of my existence, to be more than human (a separate post on that later). 

This however is an interesting example of how something can be absorbed so subliminally that you can go about life never knowing they exist. I never remember consciously making  this assumption but I have it nevertheless. Its unconscious meaning I am not (was not) aware of it but it exists and functions and dictates my life never the less. Uncovering these assumptions can be powerful for they tell you what is hidden but active in the psyche.  

[Vaishnavi]

Loneliness

I don't want to deny my loneliness even if I want to, for, its there.

Loneliness is interesting. A lot of my loneliness is cause of me forcing myself to live up to the ideal of not needing someone. But the needs for mirroring and acceptance are real. Maybe only by having these needs met that you can really transcend them. 

As a child, or just as a person of any age for that matter, you're (funny) never accepted for just who you are. I mean yes you can be a and b and x and z but all of it within a domain, like you can choose but only from within what's acceptable. There are parts of you that are not somehow "right"  and aren't even acknowledged, let alone accepted. When society does that, i don't think it matters really. But when your significant others do that, well, I think it hurts then. My mum would say me things and I would tear up like a baby (for which I was shamed since strong emotions were always condemned in my family). She would tell me that if I cannot handle it coming from her, how would I handle it if it comes from someone strange? My mom could never understand that it was because it was coming from her that it was so hurtful. 

Being in a fantasy bond with my parents (more on that later) and repressing my needs for undifferentiated acceptance and care deepened my loneliness but in a mysterious way. In a way that I could not recognise it, in a way I couldn't even name it, in a way I was somewhere ashamed of it. 

[Vaishnavi]

Grieving the Loss of Self

If my mother dies tomorrow, people will come to my rescue, and in a very genuine sense they will feel sorry for me. They'll be by my side, they won't lecture me, they'll just let me grieve.

Why is it then when a part which belongs to me, which makes me me, is lost (read murdered), that I have to grieve alone? The loss of vitality and joy, of anger and resentment cause it poses a threat to my parents, the loss of expression and touch, the loss of the authentic self. And funny but i consider myself fortunate to even be in the position of being able to grieve the loss of self, because observation says that most of us fail at the acknowledgement stage alone, let alone accept and grieve. 

It speaks volume about the society that we are. The death of my mother will be grieved because the value of the relationship I share with her is recognised, and so the sympathy. What a sick society we've created which fails to acknowledge the most basic relationships of all, the one with self. 

[Vaishnavi]

Sufi Teaching Story

You think that because you understand "one" that you must therefore understand "two" because one and one makes two. But you forget that you must also understand "and"

[Vaishnavi]

The Joy that missing my meditation session brought! 

I used to worry so much about developing a proper meditation habit, fretting over consistency and how everything has to be perfect. It has been 2 years now and I still struggle with consistency and perfection, and I still worry about it, i've had results, things changed for me but i would still fret over it not being so perfect. But something happened today which gives me hope that its not all that bad after all.

So i missed my meditation for the last 5 days consistently for I am starting with this new habit and "I wanted to completely devote myself to it". Duh what an excuse. I ended up having a headache for whatever reasons I did, unplugged from everything and sat by myself, and I realised how much I actually miss my meditation session. MISS! Like you miss a person :') 

Missing my sessions made me realise that I have in fact developed a taste and a liking for it. A sense of relief and joy washed over me. I meditated, of course, and now i'm writing this cause this is happy news, and I had to share it =) 

 

[Vaishnavi]

 

Its interesting to me how I can continue to do really stupid things and still maintain the illusion of being a conscious enlightened person. And by stupid I mean clearly lacking rationale or logic and not stupid as an insult.  All this while, I thought if I could just somehow distract myself enough by doing “important things”, I’d forget about my need to socialise, that I’ll no more need people or companionship or intimacy. Yea I’ll socialise some day, but not today, "I got imp things to do for now”. It was really stupid, and it still is to think that way.

Yes I do enjoy my own company and people can be exhausting and overwhelming for me, but that is no reason for discounting my basic needs for intimacy and connection and exchanging laughter and book ideas. 

Giving this need a recognition and deciding to no more repress it, well, its like a burden lifting up. It feels as if all this while this repression was exhausting me, was draining me, like it was effort, and it was! It really was. 

(Phew.. I gotta stop being so conscious about what I write here and seeing if the grammar is alright)

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(There you're doing it again)

[Vaishnavi]

Growing up

One thing that I know as I continue to evolve and change, and especially as I actualise my seemingly "grand work”, is that, it will make me more human. 

I am, have been, limited in my experiences for 20 years. Dissociated and lost most of my life, I’ve never have had “experiences”. Going out and "doing something on my own", "venturing on an adventure”, meeting and “talking to people”, creating something, DATING! …

its already bringing in a new array of feelings and emotions, and it will, I can see, morph me into a completely different person. To make sure it is for the better is my job. 

[Vaishnavi]

*love* *love* *love*  

[Vaishnavi]

Long Time Coming 

 

 

[Vaishnavi]

 oh sweet sweet grace..