Gaining Real Growth From My Heartbreak?

[Pellemanify]

Hello!

Here comes a wall of text, but if you would like to know a interesting story and maybe even give some good advice, please take your time<3

About 3 weeks ago my girlfriend dumped me for understandable reasons, or reason. I was simply too needy, nothing I've ever thought of before because I'm only 17, soon 18 and this was my first real relationship which lasted about 1,5 years.

So here comes the backround story. I've known my ex (let's call her sarah) for several years but it wasn't until the three last years of elemetary school me and some other guys started hanging out, mostly playing video games. At that time I didn't feel a thing for her, even disliked her at times. But one of the guys (let's call him Tom) we played with liked Sarah and she liked him too, though they didn't like to admit it, especially Tom. For some reason nothing happened between them though. Until one year later when me, Sarah, one of her friends and Tom had a movienight one time when she suddenly approched me even though we hadn't have any kind of connection before. This was the beginning to hell. For a good two years she switched between Tom and me, every time one of us got some what closer to her she rejected us and focused on the other person. This lasted for two years like I said until elementary school ended and Tom told Sarah that he couldn't handle what was going on anymore, so it was up to her to take him or me. They simply stopped talking and playing games (he bailed and gained new friends in highschool). Not long there after we got a bit more intimate and for the first time she liked it, she didn't feel weird and so our relationship started the first year in highschool.

Though we were in the same class, things worked out pretty well, though I thought school was more boring than ever I didn't care too much. I had her, I had the love of my life, the first person I felt was really special to me. Time passed and things were quite well, some argues (Sarah gets angry over small things quite easily) but nothing that I didn't recover from. So some time before the breakup I noticed that she began to ignore me a way she hadn't before. I also noticed that she started talking to Tom again. Though I never connected the two news for some reason. I was jealous and quite sad but got over it really quickly after we'd talked about it so I wasn't worried anymore. Sarah told me how she didn't have any feelings for Tom what so ever, just liked him as a friend.

Here's where the fucked up begins... One time not long time after that she told me she was in a really weird mood (happy and didn't care about anything). So she told me that she wanted to have sex with Tom. I mean. For some reason I didn't feel bad, sure it was weird but I didn't think about it no more after that because we said that "of course you have people you're physicly attracted to even if you're in a relationship". Remember that it had been over a years since we'd talked to Tom so I didn't see him as a threat anymore.

Eventually not long after she dumped me and said we were together too much, school, playing games and meeting, she said it was simply hope for something after highschool. I was extremely sad and depressed. She felt like everything to me, I was being needy (which probably was the biggest cause of the heartbreak). Didn't take more than 4 days in extreme grief for me to be back on my feet because I found the youtube channel "the school of life". It really made me motivated to actually not be too worried and instead try to be the best I can be. And all of this was good, I ignored her a bit more but we still remained friends. All of this happened three weeks ago and before the holyday weekend when she had her 18th birthday. Sarah's "new friends" (friends from before high school) Tom, her old best friend and another guy wanted to celebrate with some alkohol ofc. Me and Sarah wasn't ever into the idea of partying and drinking. So this was kind of her first time. While I thought it was kind of stupid I didn't care that much, I didn't want to have them as friends so why bother. The only thing I was concerned of was she being with Tom. I mean I knew they hadn't finished that emotional thing between them that was going on before. And then it occured, after the party she said she missed me, (though she still didn't want a relationship while we were in the same class). And I just knew there was something more, a reason. She had slept with Tom and "didn't like it". This was only two fucking weeks after our breakup. Worst of all is that Tom who started to play games with us again and so on said to everyone who questioned, "I dont want to be near a relationship with Sarah". Exactly the same as he acted four years ago.
 

The last couple of days has just been a big pile of shit. I love her so much but omfg she totally killed my soul. Saying how she would never hurt me and hate to see me sad. "I know let's go and sleep with the guy we both have a long history with, that will make everything soooo much better". I understand that she had unfinished business with him and as I thought, whatever happened, she wouldn't want a relationship with him, and I was correct. So in that matter I was very understanding but as the days passed by I started to feel more and more hurt. The thoughts of what she had done to me didn't stop. I told her that Tom clearly still has feelings for you so if we ever are going to have a relationship again you have to tell Tom that you don't feel the way he does and stop treating him like your best friend because he will see that as if you would like him for a partner. Sarah didn't really want to understand that but she told him the current situation and he said he was going to stay away a bit... at that point I was quite relieved. Turns out, he's "good to go" the same day and they continue hanging out. I understand that she likes him as a friend but that ain't fucking normal is it?

I have really tried to accept the situation and forgive. IT'S SO HARD. I couldn't sleep until I had cracked up in tears for a good hour and before that feeling so much hate. The thing is that Sarah is really bad at expressing her true feelings. So for me it doesn't really seems like she regrets it (I think she stuck to the idea that they had unfinished business). Not only that but she doesn't really seem to care if I stay or go, she doesn't seem to care about shit. So I thought to myself, enough is enough, she had her chances (fucking three of them) and didn't take them so I have to move on and tell her that I'll break contact with her because I can't stand the path she has taken. And so I did.

Now I sit here wondering if I did the right thing, sure It feels good but after watching Leo's "Real growth VS Fake growth" I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know exactly what feelings I had. Betrayal I guess. I can't believe it myself but I could have still wanted to be with her if she wasn't so obsessed with being friends with Tom. And I don't feel that I solved the root problem. I don't even know what the problem was but it doesn't feel like I ended it with real growth.
 

//A confused soon to be 18 yo.

[reez]

@Pellemanify Just leave her. AIn't so much more to think of if you ask me. Delete her phone number, stop hanging out with her and only say hello if you truly have to.

[Pellemanify]

@reez I kind of know that's the best thing to do.. I just have a really hard time admitting it to myself, always "if only.." and I can't get rid of it. But thank you gor your answer

[reez]

@Pellemanify Let me ask you this. Do you think you deserve a women who just messes with your mind and hurts you OVER AND OVER again?  If the answer is no; Then just get rid of her. It is REALLY simple, not easy but simple.

If the answer is Yes; Then get your shit together.

[Pellemanify]

@reez It feels better now. I know she has had it rough and probably still do, the only thing I need to relize is that only she can help herself. In the meanwhile, I will focus on me and how to be the best I can be. Time to get a hold of the studying, god I hate studying things I'm not interested in but that's for a whole other topic haha, thanks for everything!