(can't Come Up With A Catchy Title But Anyway) My Journal

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb Leo's new video today about self-acceptance is awesome. It comes with a guided meditation (about 15-20 mins) to accept the dishonored parts of our phsyche. I found it very refreshing and healing. I think you will benefit from it too  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Yesterday was Sunday.  Husband was at home.  To make long story short, it was calm day.  In the morning, I watched Leo's newly uploaded vid, "The Power Of Self Acceptance - How To Stop Beating Yourself Up."  The video might have given me some relief.  That might be one of the reason why yesterday went kinda calm.  I thank Leo for that.  

Only one 'reminder comment,' which I told husband yesterday was, "Is that your priority?" . . Why do I still need to say it?  Reminding him just annoys me.  Chronic.  But if I didn't, I would end up using my stupid energy for 'trying to ignore him,' so I needed to say that then.

 -- Anyway, what happened was, he was trying to change something that didn't need to change, kinda like, 'just to change to newer stuff,' which would take minimum a couple hours.  Looking at him started doing it, I said, "Is that your priority?" -- I guess something clicked him.  He stopped.  And went to watch Marriage Help course vids.  

I don't know how to describe . . . I still feel tired.  

This morning, woke up at 2AM, as usual.  I sensed psychological heavy-ness.  I don't know how to describe it.  Then noticed, lately my psyche had been up.  I had urge for action.  Now, I lost it.  This is the time that I Really got to keep doing daily affirmation, reviewing Me Sheet, and meditation.  

And . . What is Love?  Reading @Natasha 's reminder reply ( <-- thank you ), I recalled Leo's yesterday's video.  I think what he was saying in the video was, "Accept all your short-comings and love yourself."  I understood then.  

And now, I started thinking that I don't quite know what love is.  What is love?  Love is kinda warm and state to accept whatever unconditionally.  And noticed that I don't quite know the concept? state? of love.  I'm already 43 and don't know what love is!?!?  That sounds kinda pitiful & miserable & . . . oh well.  That's the way I lived my life.  Some people are so confident in love.  I'm not one of them obviously.  

 

Remembering other people around me, they are pretty easy-going compared to me.  That's what I've been sensing all these years.  Why am I this much tensed?  

Then I sensed, that, I might be a psychological masochist.  I HATE physical pain, even a small paper cut I cannot stand!  No I'm NOT a (physical) masochist but a { psychological } masochist.  No I'm NOT enjoying the psychological pain, but I tend to be stuck in it.  

I remember talked about it to my therapist a couple years ago.  According to her, because I had been in the psychological state long in my childhood, I've been conditioned to stay in the state.  But I remember I was happy sometimes.  So I want to occupy my psyche with happy state of my mind tho.  

Peace.

-- Adding a couple minutes later -- 

I remember there's a thread to request certain topic for Leo to make videos.  Since I don't quite know what love is, do I want to ask Leo to make video about { What Love Is } ??    Really!?!?   Something makes me feel awkward . . .   43 years old woman asks 30 something years old guy to explain {What love is } ??? . . . .  Something sounds . . . .  I don't know . . .  Uncomfortable is the word?   Awkward?   Yup my English vocabulary is limited.  

Maybe because of 'social common sense' kinda thing?  'Women SUPPOSED TO KNOW {LOVE} more than guys' . . kinda thing I guess?   No I don't.  I don't know what love is.  I'm just brutally honest to myself.  Not just that, my thought about this is sexist.  No I ain't sexist.  I Hate sexist.  

But, he's specialized in the area, philosophy and that kind, which I've never studied about.  So, what's wrong with requesting him to make {What Love Is} video?  . . . Not now.  Some kind of 'haze' showed up in my thought.   I better shift my attention to something else.  Yup.  

Edited March 28, 2016 by OceanJjb
cuz I don't want to add as 'reply' and make unnecessary new post.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I just couldn't make myself to do neither of Life Purpose course nor Marriage Help course this morning.  I feel unusually 'heavy' in me -- I wonder I'm getting physically heavier? gaining weight? . . maybe?  I did daily affirmation & Me Sheet review, but just didn't have enough energy for yoga.    

And, so, I just happened to watch "Codependency and Organized Religion" by Lisa A. Romano at Youtube.  This:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sE4EUL1gbw  

 - - - 5 hours later, I edited.  Originally I wrote about religion here.  This journal is for public.  Thought twice.  I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable, so I deleted the part I wrote about religion.  Not many people are kinda atheist like me.  Remembered that religion is a sensitive issue.  That's why.  Excuse me for that> - - - 

 

-- below is added 31 min later -- 

And I watched Lisa Romano's "Attachment Trauma and Codependency-Why Do I Feel So Stuck" this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l41O3UnbJas

I wanted to have easier life.  I will get a carefree life.  Enough is enough.  

Edited March 29, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarity & didn't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable re: religion.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

On 3/27/2016 at 7:43 AM, Natasha said:

@OceanJjb Can you go back to your former career?

I thank @Natasha for this opportunity to let me re-think about it.  It's good to write about it for me because my thought gets clear-er.  

 

My former career was in computer-field.  Then, not that many people called 'IT' in my country, at least, around me.  15 - 20 years ago and now, IT field changed HUMONGOUSLY.  

I started recalling my job then . .  It was . . 16 to 19 years ago?  I was 24 to 27 or so . .  I was working as a contractor, in my country.    

First it was like an intern, but I was earning money.  I did pretty much everything since I was the youngest/least experienced there and so kinda like an intern, like grocery shopping, cleaning, receiving phone calls, whatever.  Main job was data input.  It was a small company, a headquarter/branch of an American computer company, which made personal computer.  The company don't exist no more. 

They had 'user support department.'  It was not like now, 2016.  People with no personal computer knowledge bought personal computer, and called IT support department for all kind of computer-related questions, not knowing if it's software/application problem or hardware problem.  The IT support department often over-loaded with too many support-request calls.  Clients get mad because IT support dept didn't pick up calls.  So, the upset clients called the headquarter, where I picked up the calls.  I apologized to the clients, calmed them down, and I answered their computer-related questions as much as I could.  If it's MS-Office kinda software/application problem/question, I answered/solved problem over phone.  If it's hardware problem, I asked my co-worker geeks, and requested customers to send the computer to IT dept . . . kinda things were my job.  

 

Next job was also software-user support, at an advertisement company, in my country.  They placed me in a huge sales dept.  I helped the sales people with their software-problem, mainly some easy presentation document making with some graphics, filtering data of ad-watch rates on TV, etc.  I was also a network-supervisor, who assigns permission to each person in their network . . I think it was called LAN (local area network.)  Sometimes, their presentation documents came from over-sea, with word-bugs, due to language difference.  I fixed that kind of things too.  Also the company got a HUGE IT department where bunch of IT geeks worked at.  Normal people didn't understand IT geeks's language.  I was like a bridge/translator between normal sales people and IT geeks.  

 

Next job was to assist geologists and geo-physists.  They study oil land all over the world using an international geology database.  Some geologists/geo-physists needed help with using database & graphic programs and making presentation documents.  I helped those.  

 

Now, it's 2016.  jobs like above, the things that I used to do, are obsolete.  Nowadays, it's not special skills at all.  Regular people can do it.  Not just that, smartphone, WiFi, etc. didn't exist 15+ years ago.  Seriously IT field changed HUMONGOUSLY.  My IT knowledge is WAY behind.  

 

My current job (although I'm not working currently) is Nothing to do with computer thing.  One of the reason is that, I'd been hired in Pretty out-dated place, which didn't want to spend any money for IT.  

 

But . . once a year, I needed to do presentation.  There, I brought my own laptop and projector to my work place, and do my presentation with PowerPoint or Keynote.  I'm an introvert.  It's a chore for me to do presentation in front of co-workers.  But I just LOVE making presentation!!  When I'm making presentation, my time disappears.  Like, once, I went to a cafe/bakery kinda place around noon time, to make the presentation.  When I noticed, employees there started cleaning tables, chairs and floor . . and noticed that it was almost time to close!  8pm!!  WOW!!  I stayed there almost 8 hours!!  That Much Focus!!  

 

Another thing.  I LOVE making short videos at YouTube.  Just time flies when I'm making the videos.  Those are DEFINATELY my Zone of Genius.  Being stuck doing laptop gives me shoulder-ache and not good for my eyes.  But this fact of 'just time flies' made me realize that how much I enjoy making presentation and short videos -- which is nothing to do with my job of last 15 years.  

 

So, my user-support skill is obsolete.  There's no way making my living by only doing what I enjoy at this moment.  So, what I want to do is, to combine my current license and presentation-making skill . . . if such thing is possible, which I've never heard of.  

 

Not just that, I think I was half-hearted in last 15 years.  I need to specialize in one area in current field, which makes me feel exhausted just thinking about it.  but I better do it tho.  

Edited March 29, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarity & to correct grammer errors

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

New me.  New day.  Train whistle-ing far away.  I already prepared husb's take-to-work lunch, which consists of:  Salad, soup, and main course (sounds fancy but it's all in individual pyrex container, Pretty bulky.  lol), and cuppa blueberry yogurt, and a breakfast sandwich to eat on his way to go to work.  GOSH I feel such a good homemaker!!  <-- I'm sure this is just a temporary thing.  Being a homemaker 24/7 wouldn't be easy.  Usually I make some green smoothie, but it's kinda chilly this morning, so didn't make it.  Instead, the greens are used in the breakfast sandwich, toasted.  

Drinking cuppa coffee . . reminded me that, I couldn't drink coffee while I was badly depressed, from the end of last year to beginning of this year.  Just the flavor of coffee was too much for me then.  Now I'm back -- I need a cup of coffee in the morning.  

Then, after the bad depression, I still didn't want coffee in the morning.  But I wanted some caffeine to chemically 'up' my brain.  Then, so, I started making Masala Chai, trying to mimic the flavor which I used to drink, not that often tho, at an Indian/Pakistani cafe/restaurant.  The spices give me the sense of ethnic rich-ness.  Seemed many different Masala Chai exist.  The flavors are different in different places.  Key spices are ginger and cardamon, with black tea & milk.  Other spices used, sometimes not used, are cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, mint, pepper, etc.  I healed my bad depression with Masala Chai a little by little.  And started coming to this forum.  

Since then, almost 3 months passed.  I'm trying to change my life.  I Got to change my life.  

 

-- One hour later -- 

I got a sense of . . urge of doing something stupid.

 

-- 5 hrs later --

"heaviness" don't quite leave me so left house went outside now at parking lot of gym, attempting to swim very slowly & meditate.  

 

-- 7 hrs later --

couldnt swim.  no available lane.  so instead stayed in warm water doing affirmation and recalling what I wrote today.  

I was pretty okay working as entry level user support 15+ years ago.  I don't remember that I suffered low self esteem issue then. . . because . .   I'll write later.  

Edited March 29, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarity & to correct grammer errors

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb There is an Indian store in the town I live in and they seem to have every herb on earth. Never heard of Masala Chi before. Will have to try the recipe you wrote in you last post, sounds really good c(:

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Not green smoothie this morning but orange-colored due to carrot.  A little change from usual thing.  

Journaling is powerful as somebody in this forum . . actually it was in my last topic / thread . . said.  Lately I've been writing here and . . . I write my experience/footage here A LOT and one thing reminds me of another thing in past and the another thing reminds me of another occasion and . . . A Whole sorts of emotional thing I've been experiencing since then.  

20 days ago, I bought Leo's Life Purpose course.  While working on it, my domestic problem kicked in, then I end up starting Marriage Help course.  The Video part is done so I want to come back to Leo's Life Purpose course.  I'm still stuck in #80.  While watching/listening to Leo's #80, one word he said, reminded me to an occasion which I wrote here about . . led me to remember another experience and . . another and . . . Things, my footages in the past? started making sense, like, why I did certain things in certain time.  

And I just can't quite focus on Life Purpose course #80 section.  

I better meditate more.  

[Anicko]

@OceanJjb It is a good thing, and validation for you that you are on the right track. As you begin to understand, you'll start to see other people's perspectives, and eventually your sense of compassion really blooms. It will help you to truly forgive and let go of your past. 

Don't beat yourself up for your "mistakes", in the past, today, tomorrow. You are perfect and beautiful somewhere inside, and when you find it, you'll realize it's always been there.  Life will become perfect and beautiful too. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

@Natasha  Masala Chai basically means 'spiced tea.' <-- Please correct me if I'm wrong. <-- I'm talking to authentic Indian people.  I think authentic Indian households blend spices in their own liking for Masala Chai.    

How to make Simplest Masala Chai, one serving:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbYfiiSeDlI

A little more authentic Masala Chai, one serving:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_Bkg9v8Nww

And usually Indian households make a big amount of Masala Chai mix at a time and keep it in refrigerator . . I think.  

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I just woke up at 1:30AM.  Husband just said. "I'll go to New York City." . . in my dream, sleeping.  I was excited! recalling I wanted to go many places! . . and suddenly he said to go to New York City!?!? . . What happened to him??  He don't want to go / move to nowhere tho??  What changed him??  He finally understood what I want?? -- And woke up.  It was at 1:30AM.  

 

 -- adding 1 hr later -- 

What I wrote about, "I can go to NYC! because he's going to!" . . shows my codependency.  [ I ] should be the one who initiate to go to anywhere if I want to go somewhere.  Thus, I noticed my ingrained codependency.  

 

Yesterday, we went to counseling.  Last week, I totally forgot/lost the date/time of the counseling.  Somewhere I lost one day last week.  Last week, I finally told him that I want to separate because I refuse to be unhappy in the rest of my life with him.  Saying it was too much for me to handle with, actually, I had an episode of anxiety attack.  I started hyper-ventilate while crying, then I instilled a couple drops of Bach's Remedy in my mouth, then I calmed down.  

I apologized to my counselor for last week that I forgot the counseling appointment.  I've never forgotten any one appointment in my life.  Seriously, Never.  I'm pretty anal with time.  I go to appointment like 30 min to 1 hour early, I'm that kind.  

Anyhoo I explained what happened last week and told her that I told him that I want to separate because I refuse to be unhappy in the rest of my life with him.  And he started Marriage Help course.  And I didn't quite like the way he put his priority.  She asked why I try to control his activity?  I answered that probably I wanted him to know how to manage time . . something like, do the study, in this case Marriage Help course, first, because learning use more brain energy, and after a while, brain gets saturated, then, that's the time to do house chore cuz doing house chore don't use much brain energy, so got to use house-chore time to relax/refresh brain, then back to study again . . . that's the way I made to this my current career (although I'm not working currently & also changing career was co-dependent bad idea), with that much intensity . . . That's what I wanted him to know, I guess . . . But he does whatever he wants to do in the order that he feels like doing, which stressed me out.  That's why . . . . Kinda thing we talked in the counseling.  I don't remember other details.  It's impossible to write all the detail we talked about in the counseling.  

She, my therapist, knows that I've been suffering from low self-esteem.  And suddenly my psychological state changed and started saying "I'll separate! cuz I refuse to be unhappy for rest of my life!" must made her confuse.  So I explained that I've been doing daily affirmation, like, "I'm confident.  I can do whatever I want to do.  I'm confident.  I'll say whatever I want to say." kinda thing for last 3 weeks.  Doing Life Purpose course, I got to the point that I'm So Pissed about my life.  

 . . . I don't know what I've write above make sense . . or not.  My brain will get clear-er later.  

I wonder when I can be free from this stupid egoistic state of mind?  I want to work on enlightenment, but obviously I'm not in the level yet.  I'm in the level of 'rag.'  At least I'm aware of that.  

I want to have a good day today.  

 

-- 2 hrs after -- 

I did daily affirmation while brewing my Masala Chai.  "I'm confident."  After 5 min affirmation, I felt like brewing/cooking Masala Chai more because it just smelled good.  I went on to 20 min meditation.  The fragrance of Chai . . this time, I used Sadaf tea which got strong perfume-like fragrance, with regular black tea, like half & half, along with some crushed green cardamon pots, a couple shakes of dried ginger powder, some dried mint, a shake of cinnamon . . . the scent from spiced Chai distracted my meditation . . . I was slightly drooling while meditation . . . just couldn't help . . . The meditation and affirmation kinda mixed up.  Most of the time I use words "I'm confident."  And noticed that I changed words to, "I'm powerful" while drooling caused by the scent of my Masala Chai.  

Although I don't like spices like Chilis and Jalapeños, I LOVE most of other spices.  And I know that some people just can't accept ethnic spices.  But I just LOVE it!  Spices are power for me.  While meditating smelling the drifting scent of my Spice Chai, I sensed that I'm powerful.  Really I'm powerful.  Although I don't know 'drugs' cuz I've never done it -- I've been a no-party-no-fun girl -- I felt I was drugged by the scent of Spiced Chai.  It was a weird experience.  

I wonder if my brain got . . funky?

Edited March 31, 2016 by OceanJjb
Because I don't want to add as a new post.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

I just watched Lisa Romano's newly uploaded, "How To Deal With Passive Aggressive Men and Women-Codependency Triggers." The url is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mttYc_WQQrk  And remembered what @Anicko wrote for me.  Thank you Anicko.  

I didn't know how to overcome my codependent issue.  What I was for sure lately was, 'I'm PISSED!  Enough is enough!  I'm ready to separate if you don't take this issue seriously!" -- kinda anger.  To get out of co-dependent relationship, without knowing much, seems I started 'tug-of-war,' which Lisa Romano described here: https://youtu.be/mttYc_WQQrk?t=19m3s

"I am enough.  I know I'm enough.  You got to heal by subconscious programming..."  <-- https://youtu.be/mttYc_WQQrk?t=13m45s

'On the surface, everybody loves him' <-- That's right!  This annoys . .  

And, I've noticed that I and him, both have passive-aggressive side AND codependency side.  Sigh...   On top of it, we have age-difference problem...  WTH!?!?    

Thus my life continues.  I WILL get out of this codependent & passive-agressive issue.  I GOT TO.  

[Anicko]

@OceanJjb Take it one day at a time. You're going to do the same old things by accident, but you'll realize what you're doing, and slowly you'll start reacting and behaving in a better way for yourself. 

It's okay. Don't try to rush the process. 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

This morning, thinking of going back to #80 Research section of Leo's course . . I found an email introducing free 'intro course' of online marketing/business.  I haven't done NOTHING related to IT thing in last 15 years.  I've NEVER done sales/business as my career.  I was more like, I've been avoiding to be involved in 'sales' 'business' kinda thing because . . This must also be my childhood trauma too.  

. . I was teenager then, junior high to high school years.  It was my part-time job, off and on, while school's off.  Then, I had experience working kind of like an 'assistant' of an entrepreneur who didn't succeed.  More like . . he, the entrepreneur, lost all his family due to bankruptcy of his company -- He needed to divorce to protect his family.  

I remember . . . Since then, I didn't want to pursue 'sales' 'business' kinda 'directly money related stuff.'  I got to have some 'skills' to earn money . . That's what I used to think . . Now I remembered it.  

Then, back to this morning.  I was about to go back to #80 Research section of Leo's course.  I found an email introducing free 'intro course ' of online marketing/business.  I watched all of the free 'intro course' of the online marketing.  8 sections, each are 30 to 60 min.  I watched all.  At this moment, my fear toward 'sales/business' might be overriden by hunger for IT field.  I fell asleep watching it a couple times but I sensed that my Zone of Genius is true -- I have no problem watching those online related thing for 8 hours <-- I fell asleep a couple times tho.  

I decided to take today's experience, learning 'intro' of online marketing vid course, as a part of #80 Research section, the Leo's course.  

I need to go back to #80 Research section.  <-- I wonder how many times I wrote about it in this my journal!?!?  

-- adding 2 hrs later --

no it was not 8 hrs.  more like 5 hrs?

Edited April 1, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarity & to correct grammer errors

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Woke up before 2:30AM.  5 min affirmation, twice failed with monkey-chatter . . . Why??  What's wrong with me??  It's just 5 min tho??  Never failed before tho??  

 

-- added 1 hr later -- 

Personal Development Plan - The Essentials Of Getting Results --> https://youtu.be/NwLGHCZTQt4

Personal Development Plan, the 'Bare-bone' <-- bullet points from Leo's video above.

1.  Have a big picture / visions / goals / Life purpose <-- I'm re-thinking about this.  Need a right direction for me.  

2. Unhook from distraction  <-- Good that I don't have TV for like almost 10 years.  But I do Internet...   Food is also distraction? . . oh no . . . but . . I understand what Leo means.  Food takes too much time thinking about it, prepping, cooking...  But if I stream-line things to eat, like keeping some bags of salad and pre-made healthy dressing, that's the only thing to eat whenever I got hungry . . . I can save a Lot of time left for sure.  A lot of energy will be saved too.  --> This is something to think about.  And co-dependent relationship!! . . This robs too much energy at this moment.  Got to straighten up my life.   

3. Build positive habit . . . Gym, yoga, reading (I prefer listening tho,) meditation, journaling, getting up/going bed early.  <-- I go to bed/ get up TOO EARLY tho.  I don't know if it's a good habit?  

4.  Journaling . . "Journal more" <-- Really!?!?   I feel that I'm just doing monkey-chatter myself here.  I don't know if I'm doing right? . . but this my 'monkey-chatter' looking journal leads me to somewhere unexpected sometimes and . . I think I need more topics to think about myself, cuz I haven't done it much till now.  Now it's time to remember & contemplate about my experiences.  

Also, I shouldn't forget that, I have time to contemplate and journal now.  I thank for this situation.  If I started working again, it'll be way harder to contemplate and journal like this.  

And Got to be introspective.  

5.  Meditation . . Daily meditation.  20 min recommended.  Leo does 1 hr, FYI.  

6.  Programming subconscious mind . . . "Super super critical"  <-- Yup! this is powerful.  Without this, I couldn't start my journal here, exposing my rag life, and try to change my life.  Without this, I couldn't break out my problem of co-dependent relationship.    

 

 . . I better learn proper journaling technique.  

 

-- correcting 7 hrs later --

i want bigger vision board.  I'm kinda near sighted.  I did LASIK eye sight correction surgery 10+ years ago, and my cornea trying to back to the original thickness, following my gene's programming, I guess?  Per doctor, my cornea is healthy enough to do another LASIK.  But, it costs.  So, not now.  Not just that, what's that called . . 'aging of eye sight' thing may kick in anytime in my age, so . . what do I do?  At this moment, I have no problem reading small characters as long as it's close to my eyes.  

Back to the story of vision board, Bigger vision board the better for me.  Yup I better re-order bigger one.  -- 5 min later -- Then, I don't remember the user name kinda thing of the drugstore for re-order.  lol.  And waiting for 'iForgot' kinda email.

Edited April 1, 2016 by OceanJjb
Because I don't want to add as a new post.

[Natasha]

1 hour ago, OceanJjb said:

Woke up before 2:30AM.  5 min affirmation, twice failed with monkey-chatter . . . Why??  What's wrong with me??  It's just 5 min tho??  Never failed before tho??  

I fail with monkey chatter too at times, as everyone else does. I'm training myself to be able to switch 'thinking' off and on AT WILL (Eckhart Tolle idea). When I need to think, analyze, make decision, etc. I turn it 'on', and then 'off' again where I would go for a long stretch without thinking, just observing my surroundings minus attaching labels or making judgments. When I do catch myself in a mental chatter, I just let the thought pass  (like watching a dog walking by), while recognizing the fictional nature of it. And sometimes I just dismiss a thought off the bat. We have the power to control our mind.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Every morning, one thing that I cannot help doing is, watching YouTube.  This must be distraction.  I need to eliminate it.  More specifically, I just cannot help watching Casey Neistat's vlog.  When I'm busy doing something in morning, I don't watch it.  Maybe longest 1 week, I didn't watch it.  But then, I caught up with watching 7 days of his vlogs.  This is related to my Zone of Genius, so can't help then?  

Then, after Casey's vlog, usually I float around other YouTube videos.  Many times it's vegan and/or healthy cooking videos.  Especially after quitted working, I LOVE to try their recipes.  And thought about . . This is my Zone of Genius too, because I just can't help watching/doing it.  While watching the cooking videos and cooking it, time just flies.  

But then, Everybody eats.  Hence, (probably not everybody but) almost everybody cooks.  Therefore, So Many cooking videos are already up.  That's a 'red sea' (by Blue Ocean Strategy).  Can I find 'blue ocean' for me ther?  

But then, can I make living out of cooking??  Questioning like this may sound 'limiting belief'?  But because I'm already 43.  If you are 23 or 33, it's okay to fail.  Fail BIG, and still you can come back, got energy.  But I cannot fail.  <-- This thought must limit what I really want to do.  I feel some haze coming down on me.  

Anyway, #80 Research first.  

 

-- 1 hr later -- 

Distraction called 'Payment.'  Payment, after payment, after payment, after...  GOSH!  I need to earn $$$   Agh...   

Inner peace!  . . . but inner peace don't make money tho?  unless monks or something.  

I live in this capitalist world.  Yup.  

OK.  Inner peace 5 min.  Then Action!!  . . . Yup.  

 

-- 6 hrs later --  

I went out!!  I haven't pumped gas for more than 2 months!!  The last day I pumped gas was 1/26.  I only drove 206 miles since then.  Nope my car is not hybrid nor electric.  I've been just so indoor-girl.  

And I did research following #80 of Life Purpose course.  But more like, I checked YouTube vids in my current career field.  Just only some.  I've been avoiding it for pretty long time. It obviously shows that I've been half-hearted.  I still don't exactly know the right way to approach the career of my dream.  I'm trying to combine the jobs that I used to work in last 15 years, and my work before my current career, which was 'kinda IT.'  

 

At this moment, I want to keep my current license because:  

1)  It took my energy and effort and time and... SERIOUSLY!!  (One of the reason why it took THAT MUCH ENERGY & TIME was because of my stupid English.  Second reason is because of my low confidence.  Anyhoo, back to the story.)  So I don't want to lose it.  I BETTER NOT TO LOSE IT.  because...  

2)  I sense that I may start liking my current career when I got older.  

3)  The reason why I felt so lost may be due to current not-that-good relationship with husband.  If my environment changed, and also if I, myself, changed to better my psychology (<-- This English is funky, I noticed), I may start liking my current career.  I sense that my world itself may change if I can fix my bad self-esteem.  

...Those are the reason why I think I better keep my current career field.  And in the field, I want to incline a little more toward creative-IT-side.  

Anyway, I wrote down what to research on my note.  What I've done today might be only 2% of all things I want to research.  I got TONS OF things to research.  

 

 . . . Here comes proper themes for journaling . . by Actualized.org  blueprint site . . .

Gratitude -- I'm grateful that I took very first action for #80 Research.

Opportunities -- I will be learning what's available/not available in the field of interest.  

Intentions -- I would push myself more to watch a couple more YouTube vids which I've been avoiding.  

Acknowledgment -- I got my issues/problems out in the open.  I finished video part of Marriage Help course.  I will apologize / apologized sincerely for my short-comings.  And I'm NOT going to compromise.  

Lessons Learned -- "Lift my lazy ass up & ACTION!!!"  

Edited April 2, 2016 by OceanJjb
Because I don't want to add as a new entry.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

At 3AM, Me Sheet reviewed while brushing my teeth cuz I fell asleep while watching #81 How To Build Skills.  Oops.  Though I haven't finished #80 Research, I just wanted to know what's coming next.  

 ~ ~ ~ Changing the topic ~ ~ ~

 

I've noticed, that, my 'being grateful' 'thanking husband' must be becoming 'reminder for him to do things.'  I've Been thanking him before too.  'Thanking people for doing things' is just a basic communication thing.  I knew that.  Everybody know that.  But, to husband, I know I had the attitude of:  {Yeah you are doing it NOW but we talked about it WAY BEFORE so you could have done it WAY BEFORE tho.  Not just that, I've Been making Way More Effort than you.}  <-- I just SUCK IT UP.  I said it Enough last week.  And, so, now, I Thank him Religiously.  

At this moment, it's working.  Later, who knows??  Does he go back to 'I forgot!' attitude!?!?  <-- This Freaks me out.  I WILL separate then.  Enough is Enough.  

~ ~ ~ Changing the topic  ~ ~ ~

 

I realized that this is a Public journal.  Anybody can read this.  I think I knew it but I didn't think about the 'depth' of it much?  So: 

1.  I will try to write this journal in better English.  
2.  I will try to edit better so people can read easier.  
3. I better not to write that much stupid stuff.
4.  (What else . . ?)  

~ ~ ~ Changing the topic  ~ ~ ~

Today is Saturday.  He's at home.  I will have a pleasant Saturday.  I will thank him more and more and more and...  I may sound weird.  I don't care no more.  "I will say whatever I want to say."  <-- This is one of my affirmation phrase.    

 

-- 17 hrs later, at 21:30 -- 

Gratitude  

• It was a good day.  It was not perfect, but I appreciate that I didn't feel down today.  
• I swam for 30 min, very slowly, enjoyed watching light reflection under water.  
• He did something which he hasn't done in last 15 years, which I requested, finally.  The way I used to celebrate his b-day, putting some candles and sing 'happy b-day.'  When I recall he never made effort for it, I get sadden.  But anyway he did it today, finally.  I requested it on April fool's day, but that just didn't work out, that's okay.  

Opportunities  

• I watched 'how to improve YouTube' kinda vid.  Also I happened to find MS-Office certificate deal.  I have to decide what's my priority after completing my #80 Research.  
• I also happen to find online Photoshop course . . which reminded me that I used to do Photoshop . . but I don't have it now . . which cost $$$ . . I want it . . but I got to focus on my priority.  

Intensions  

• I still feel some resistance toward watching YouTube vids which I better watch, which I hasn't.  I got to do that.  

Acknowledgment  

• I sense that my anti-depressant is working.  Off and on, I've been skipping it, (because I've been feeling good, then start skipping meds, which is typical patient behavior, which I've known), then a couple days later, I tend to get 'crash.'  For a while, I will continue taking it, until I see measurable constant success.  

Lessons Learned  

• I will not write content of Ultimate Life Purpose course.  I just happened to be reading this today:  http://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/33-dont-post-life-purpose-course-content/  I think I haven't wrote the details of the contents so I should be okay tho.  I'll just write about which part of the course I'm working on.  That's all tho.  Anyway it was a good reminder to respect his copyright.  
• I felt good expressing my thought, even if it's frustration which makes him feel bad, in calm manner, making sure not to forget saying 'thank you' for each small things.  I want to make this a habit.  

Edited April 3, 2016 by OceanJjb
Because I don't want to add as a new entry.

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

New day.  New me.  Sunday morning.  I don't want to write negative stuff but I don't want to lie neither . . . I don't feel good.  

Yesterday evening, I saw Buzzfeed's vid about Black Dahlia.  I just ONLY saw the thumbnail.  It's not a good idea to watch that kinda scary thing in evening cuz it gonna come to my night terror.  Even though, let's say, I watched it and it wasn't that scary thing, but later, it will show up as night terror.  Therefore, I rarely watch horror movie.  

It was just a stupid thumbnail but I saw it in anyway in the evening, so, I set up like, 'I fall asleep while watching Mooji.'  I kept playing Mooji's videos during night for distraction.  Some of Mooji's videos are like 3 hours!!  <-- I'm a Mooji newbie.  I remember somebody singing Hippie kinda stupid song . . was pretty long  . . it was annoying . . Mooji looked like annoyed too.  lol. . .  but I guess Mooji couldn't say, "Stop it there!  Enough!" cuz he's nice.  lol. . . 

Anyhoo, I woke up with slight headache.  But good thing was, I didn't have night terror.  

Oh I remember I watched Leo's newly uploaded video about enlightenment.  Enlightenment is opposite of self-improvement, I guess.  A couple of enlightenment happen before self-actualization . . I think that's what I heard.  

Oh this part -->  Re: Love.  I think he described something like 'religious kinda love.'  . . . I don't know 'love' cuz I don't do religion?  <-- I think this is part of my problem.  

Romance-kinda couple's love and parental love are biologically connected, so they are not absolute 'love.'  The love, which don't directly benefit myself . . this kinda love is . . how can I describe . . the most 'precious' or 'god-like' love, which is necessary for enlightenment and/or self-actualization.  You know what?  I'm lost.  Probably this is not the kind of thing to think in the morning which I woke up with headache.  

--> Reminder for later -->  'Contemplate death'  Because life is short, let's not waste time!  . . kinda thing.  For me, I guess depending on my psychological state, I can say 'Death is relief.'  

I need a chemical 'kick' or 'punch' or 'uppper cut' or . . . i.e., 'coffee.'

 

-- 13 hrs later, at 22:26 --

Gratitude

• I went out for grocery shopping & soaked in warm water & relaxed, even though I was not quite feeling good since morning.  

Opportunities

• Started learning to think back my footages.  I want to heal myself, one event at a time.  

Intentions

• More meditation.  I need to realize that happiness is a state of being, as many say.  

Acknowledgment

• I think back my footage, which I've never done till this year.  I'm on the way for healing, I hope.  

Lessons Learned

• Being grateful for every single small things.

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarification / don't want to add as a new entry.

[Natasha]

@OceanJjb I thought that song was annoying too, clicked it off half-time into it.

Death is relief when you still identify with your ego (body-mind). Get in touch with your true self (awareness) and you'll see that nothing can shake that, you're untouchable!  The eternity is yours to enjoy, heaven on earth. Forever and ever. Amen 

[SmartFixer_OceanJjb]

Reading other topics, I happened to remember that, my (father's side) grandpa's elder sister was a female Buddhist monk -- That's what I heard from my grandma who used to live with me.   I'm from dysfunctional family.  I don't contact to my father's side no more.  It's a complicated story.  

Anyway, she used to visit my home . . maybe once a couple years or so when I was small.  She didn't have her own kids -- she adopted a daughter -- that's what grandma told me.  She, my grandpa's elder sister, must have passed away way now.    

When she was young, it was before or around World War II era.  Then, female who didn't bear any kids would be treated . . I don't know . . she must have hard time by social pressure.  . . I think, I heard that, she was married.  But, whenever she visited us with her adopted daughter (with her kids), she didn't come with any male nor 'husband-looking person.'  I was so small then.  I didn't question nothing then.  

My grandma used to say that I look like my auntie (father's elder sister) and her, my grandpa's elder sister, the female monk person.  I don't have any kids.  It was my decision.  I removed my uterus.  (<-- I'm not gonna write the story here cuz it's gonna be another long story.)  My auntie, wanted to have kids.  Actually she got pregnant in her 30s, twin girls, and miscarriaged . . and got right-side paralysis since then.  She died at 66.  And the female monk person, my grandpa's elder sister, didn't have her own biological kids, but adopted.  This 'auntie-lineage' 'first-born-daughter-lineage' didn't or couldn't have biological kids, including myself.  Is this karma??  

I know that they are all dead.  I wonder why she became a female monk?  Social pressure toward female without kids must be enormous then . . . Why she became a female monk??   I want to talk to her . . I want to ask her . .   I want to know 'her story.'  

I wonder if any way to talk to her spirit?  

Edited April 4, 2016 by OceanJjb
for clarification