Sonder

[Anna Konstantaki]

7528

• productivity      
• preparation      somehwhat sloppy
• creativity           mostly scribling
• nutrition            forgot that one last time (it was 5 for both days) 
• exersice             bad time management 
• reading              I am really a little mad at myself because I had concentration to do more but wasted it elsewhere
• meditation        I´d be lost without this one... *
• satisfaction       I was doing great untill I got home... 
• nature               sun was shining all day so I worked a bit outside

*I start to realise that it´s best if I do it at the beginning or the middle of the day. Ideal would be doing two sessions. One in the morning and one at night. 

Pff... My sinns today: Stayed in bed longer than planned. Useless talking/flirting with one of my neighbours who likes me more than he should but he is not the only one but who cares about that other than my ego ... Useless time on facebook. A little too much youtube... Meditated too late... Distractions and some low consciousnes...What a bad combo... Confession: My infection from Sunday-Monday by the way is linked to one of my teeth of which a part had broken of some time ago and I, as an idiot, forgot to do something because of the card and money and the fact that I wanted to go to a dermatologist for that thing on my leg first and bla, bla... So, when I went home today the pain stroke back and I desided to give myself some distractions untill it gets better but I kind of did not get back to work... I know it is stupid. The whole entry is stupid but I will take care of this tomorrow... So yeah... That is my so very immature entry for today... See you soon.

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7529

Low energy day. Not even meditation could help me much. I don´t feel like doing anything... Except of sleeping. I wonder if this is really linked to my physical health or if it is something in my head that took over. Over the last year I have been sick quite rarely and usually it would only last a couple of hours or one, two days the very most. I was thinking about Sundays video and I guess my worst addiction is thoughts. I have ditched most of the other soft addictions and one thing I am proud of is not having any hard ones... There are days where I just want to do nothing and just stare in the gap (without feeling tired like today) but I have to motivate myself to get out of that state in order to catch up with my responsibilities. However, it is not like I did not accomplish anything and I know this is just temporal. I just don´t really know how much of pushing and challenging myself on the one hand and giving myself more time and taking things from the schedule on the other, is the best for me.  And then there is this problem that every single time since years now when things seem to be going good or better something I had not foreseen comes around the corner and either delays or destroys the breakthrough I was working towards. I guess that is another reason why everyone is so stressed out nowadays, even when their life is great. Simply because they are constantly thinking of what could go wrong in order to be prepared? By the way I really, really suck at getting help. I know this entry might seem negative but I feel very neutral about it actually... I am not alone thinking that  life has the good and the bad pains and I am trying to find some balance after stuffing my head with all the ways I want to grow. Sometimes I feel like I lost my wisdom or my intelligence or my creativity or all of them. I really hope that my sharp mind will come back because I know it exists because I have experienced it and because at the moment I feel very cloudy and slow. Maybe it´s just all part of adapting to my new habits and myself trying to kick me back into "homeostasis" and maybe it is a sign that I should forget about everything for a while because the system is on overload. Am I supposed to know the answer? Because I really don´t. 

(°   °)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7530

 SOME PEOPLE GET HIGH TO MAKE ART AND SOME PEOPLE GET HIGH BY MAKING IT. 

I°   °I                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~*****************(^  ^)*****************~~~~~~~~~~~~~                         /°   °\

[Anna Konstantaki]

7531

Been painting all day. Working on something really big-almost done. 

(^  ^)

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki Mind if I talk about the painting in a video journal entry when it's done. It will be like a shout-out thing.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Extreme Z7 Yes, why not? It´s done! Some small corrections maybe but it is ready... I can´t upload a picture though because the file is too big but you should be able to see it here? : https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1174671695890336&set=a.661580450532799.1073741825.100000425507978&type=3&theater  

[Extreme Z7]

@Anna Konstantaki That's really great but I already recorded my voice and am currently editing the video so maybe I'll do it in tomorrow's entry.

Also, I get a "Sorry, this content isn't available right now" error message from Facebook.

[Anna Konstantaki]

@Extreme Z7 Weird... Well, at least your vid is out.  

[Anna Konstantaki]

                                                                                                                               7532

So, a couple of words about the work of the past two days... In one of the pictures I intentionally left the mess around so that you can see how big the canvas is...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/fvgm1omhi75dbti/DSC02547.JPG?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2pe2p1hdokrwxy0/DSC02549.JPG?dl=0

The inspiration  for it came from a drawing I made four whole years ago. So since the main idea was good but really old I was not as passionate about making it as I am about new stuff but I always wanted to turn it into a painting and I am glad I did. The girl in the original is not completely blond and I had used my own body to make her but this one is completely fictional (and very sexy hihi). So what you are looking at is space, two big eyes containing one sunset each, a sea which looks more like a swimming pool because I only had light shades of blue and green and then there is this nebula that comes down to the woman and yes I know that the colors are a little like taken from an anime but if you look at some real nebulas from Huble photos some look very similar. So the woman as a beautiful respresentative of the human race and all earthlings is connected to the stardust and the universe symbolically in that way and she is  looking at these gigantic eyes like looking at herself, kind of like a symbol for omnipresence and high consciousness. Why is there a sunset in the eyes? Well, a sun makes an awesome pupil and iris and you can also interprete it in the way that the human brain is limited to recognizing already known structures and patterns and that there is nothing to discover out there that would be better than earths nature and that "nature" or not and all these distinctions don´t exist but in our minds. What I also wanted to show is that she might be a small human and there are millions of stars and bigger powers than her but I wanted to make her look equally powerful as the environment and that is another reason why the nebula is reaching to her hands, it´s not because she has superpowers or somethin´.  

 

new video

Leo is pushing me to do my meditation... Leo is telling me very nicely to get my shit together... I got the answer to 7529... It goes a little  like this: Of course the problem is homeostasis and your ego! Go where the pain is and keep hammering! Keep hammering on the ego and all those things you want to fix and when you feel like crap do the self acceptance exersice. 

Life

BUT I have not told you anything about the past days and on Thursday even though I was not feeling good (as that days post revealed so nicely)I went to the parkour training I took up two weeks ago and afterwards I sat down on campus (no soul there-it was after 22:00 at night because the lessons start quite late, 20:00) and did... Yeah, you guessed it... Meditation. I am planning to do a night through meditation one day but I am waiting for the weather to get even better because I would like to do it outdoors if possible. Ah and one reason why I decided to destroy my plans and paint for a whole day is because I absolutely suck at jumping and I have very little strenth in my legs which is a terrible thing if you want to learn parkour... So since I tend to behave a little awkward and helpless, well ok a little VERY awkward (imagine pikachu on drugs or somethin´), I think the phrase : "She is only doing all that to get attention" that my ears caught up from my trainers was VERY likely intended to describe me... And then there is this problem that only because I am not looking for a relationship it does not mean that my monkey mind does not find several people attractive... Anyways... So I had to boost my confidence a little bit by doing something I do not suck in, which is painting. End of the neurotic story. BUT I am surprised again and again how beautifull things can come from rather paranoia or obsession or any other neurosis in the world of art. Then again after all I learned over the last months, the things that come from enlightenment are even more beautiful but unfortunately it should be quite hard to communicate them. Even with art. Am I right? Now I´ll have to catch up with all my responsilibities again-see you soon.

(^  ^) 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7533

Did a ton of things but it´s not worthwhile talking about them.

Except of maybe taking the time to rewatch the new video to drill it a little better into my mind.

Meditated already today but it made me feel so tired that I took a nap afterwards.

Goodnight from augmented reality.

(°   °)

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7534

uni

I was sitting in a course about anthropological linguistics today and thinking that it´s all nice to know but in the end nothing more than knowledge graph expansions and open questions... Taxonomies and hierarchies and relations and debating about cultural influence or innate structures of categorization and so on so forth... Exactly what Leo was talking about... Only that it was not about whether it is part of reality, which as we know by now it is not but about why different languages and people on the globe made it up in such similar ways... It crossed my mind to talk about the perspective that it is just all made up by the anthropocentric worldview and rationalism and us trying to desparately understand and explain it all with logic and shouting hurray when we find a pattern or correlation and distract ourselves from being by asking how and how and why and why... So I guess categories reoccur because there are egos all over the globe. Why? We evolved to think. We had the ability to grow the ability... This reminds me of the postrational astrophysisist Harald Lesch who said in an interview about the world in 100 years something like this: "What natur was thinking when it created such a being that is so much oriented on expansion is a riddle to me." Before he had said that natur has one message for us all the time and it is: Limit yourselves! And that if nature applied the humans principles it would be highly metastasing cancer. I wonder if we were made for something or not or if we should clear the planet from us or at least try to be as humble as possible. Maybe we should really all just sit down and meditate for the majority of the day? Anyways, this and my other courses have packed me with work and I could go for work, work, work... Time for a do nothing challenge or any further analyzing of life or building strategy are short, not inexisting but short.  I better keep some energy to work on "ego smaug"... But I think that whoever has a life beyond education is either paying through studying some semester(s) longer or gets bad grades.  What I see not only with this kind of work but in all domains, is really where my limitations are. Even if I was "perfect" I would be limited to what I can do. How could I even live a life so far away from how reality works for years upon years? The monster under the bed? I can hear Rihanna singing: "I am friends with the monster that´s under my bed..." You know, that Eminem collab... So used to that monsters that we are friends with them... It´s really time to grow up or take that child by the hand and take a look beneath the bed... Even though... I do not sleep on a bed  

can we "fall in love"?

Leo´s self acceptance exersice has prooven that we can access "existential love" and I think that the latest video shows that we can not only recieve it from us but also "give it away", look at the world with it (and yes that would have an impact) if we just clear our perception. That is big potential but it also means that friendships and romantic relationships are untill we eliminate the self agenda and ego smaug nothing but neurotic neediness and desire and a stone in the way of the self actualizer. Maybe we should rethink the semantics of "love" or maybe I should consider the possibility that I have never loved at all? Or is there maybe some paradox I am overseeing here that I should be able to hold? Does some other kind than existential love exist? Would even a clear perception awe more about one individual than another because... We "love" them... More? Than. The rest...? Can an advanced self actualizer (I am a noob obviously) even "fall in love"? He/she would not need to, right? He/she would feel love all day so the need for love would be... Gone... It is somewhat scary and somewhat liberating to think of this... I mean let´s be honest... How many problems and negative emotions come from this need? Yes, NEED for love? That sounds wrong and IS wrong. Why would I NEED that? I can´t even define what exacltly it is...

 

• productivity  yep, yep
• preparation  we are in the green area but far from how it could be
• reading          yes, but not so much the main and relevant stuff
• exersice         in moderation... let´s say...
• nutrition        a nuance of vegan junkfood
• nature            quick walk inda park 
• satisfaction    Is there something better than rest after a long day?
• meditation    It did me good but it was too short and as most times... thoughty... so very thoughty...
• creativity      - well ok I had my need for creative expression met at the weekend so that´s fine

ciao and keep trying

(^  ^)

Edited April 26, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki

[Anna Konstantaki]

7535

Good morning, just read this and wanted to share... 

http://conversations.e-flux.com/t/reality-is-not-real-according-to-one-cognitive-scientist/3578

See you later.

[Anna Konstantaki]

same day

emotional cocktail and thoughts on spirituality

What is this I am feeling? Happiness and thirst for life while being stressed and frustrated? It´s like a little voice saying: I will not die, I will not die! Mindset is really powerfull... I remember being around 7 or 8 I think and I did not want to do my homework and my father said: Now, you will "eat the wood" of your life and you will remember it forever. (Eating wood means getting beaten up). And this scene is quite funny in my mind right now because as children are I answered: No, I won´t!  And guess what, I managed to forget it for many, many years and if I had not searched I would probably walk through life as if it never happened. I think it is the same with everything, we can condition ourselves for anything if we just really, really want to. I have a problem with dropping even this side drives me and fights for survival only because it is part of the ego which is afraid to... Die in the worst case. Is it really possible to have a motivation and drive in life without resistance to something or neurotic clinging or negative motivation? Untill now I had pretty much always been searcihng for perspectives which served me in order to make life more sufferable even if that meant trying to believe in lies at some points. For example back on Rhodes one of my best friends believed in a few  supernatural things (for example she always claimed that her necklaice is answering questions and guiding her and I have to mention that she has evolved in an intelligent and logical person, surprisingly good at solving problems) and constructed a sort of own reality (she did not have an easy life by the way) and was really successfull with her strength and love for life (one of the most influential, inpiring and happy people I ever knew) through that, so at some desperate points in my own life I tried to do the same. Is not trying to save our lives in every possible way really better? Is believing in existence and nothingness really better? Where do we draw the line of what we want to believe, rational or not? Can´t we just create our own portal to the higher self and wisdom? Is meditation the only way? Multilingual brains are by the way better at inhibition so I guess enlightenment should  be a little easier for us since it is a kind of inhibiting certain kinds of processes and thoughts?

mind games

Before the class starts the is this little time gap where the proff is already there but the lesson has not started yet and I have started using this this time for either scribling on my noteblock or mindfulness meditation. Anyways, so having done some meditationand being told about this "sign proccessing" one can do, which is basically looking around and asking oneself if something is a symbol, an icon, an index or a variable I got kind of reminded of consciousness work... I thought that this could make up it´s own kind of meditation, this sort language filtering so to speak, that makes one realise that most of the things we perceive are so automatically interpreted in our minds that we are completely unaware of how much abstrahation there is involved in what we simply amd effortlessly decode and understand of our every day input.

small talk and self talk

I think Leo has already mentioned this one at some point as being another form of monkey chatter and just today indeed, I learned that one hypothesis for the evolution of smalltalk is that monkeys would pet and groom each other (you know, get rid of lice and stuff) to build up and keep their bonds and social interaction. A funny thought. And a little degrading to every day life and the hours of life we have spent with small talk and such. It also made me think that if it is so important for keeping relationships to do this then what about self talk and the relationship to ourselves? Could there be a life of not taking care of these thoughts and analyzing? I talk so much to myself that when I don´t do it for a while I feel confused or deppressed and go into autopilot. But... Would the ego starve and die if I stop taking care of it? I guess it is not about hearing oneself talking in ones mind, I guess it is more about what is talked about, right? But let´s face it, I can´t only have higher self thoughts, I will always think a little about the weather or if I should wear a braw to go to uni today or not (I do these kinds of social experiments by the way-they are... Entertaining [if you don´t care so much about what others think of course])... But seriously, we could use full brainpower if we did not spend any time thinking of how we place the self in the context, caring for the self image and status... Guess that´s why Einstein for examle had such great concentration but messy hair... Hehe...

we cannot not behave

So this thing came up again in lessons today, from Matslawick(?) (too lazy to look up how he spells)... And it was about us always exhibiting some sort of behavior and the others always being in the position to interprete it, most times wrong by the way... My thoughts immediately went to ego smaug and how we project our needs and such onto whatever we see. Not only that but only now that this topic came up again I realised how much of an impact this problem has in my/our lives. I just have to think of last Thursday and the way my trainers interpreted me vs how I was seeing myself in there. So this actualozed school of thought or should I say non thought (or you better define thought first) melts away not one, not two, three, 50 problems we have but all... Every new concept I learn here on actualized.org has such great potential to change lives, places and the future...

finding some meaning

I was thinking about the fact that people who can´t identify with family or their job or friends, you know... That kind of people who are in the air and have it somewhat rough, that these people like to get into fanatism of something that gives their lives meaning and create some sort of hope and identification, a feeling of belonging. Reminds me of the german movie Die Welle. So, that something can either be a religion, or a subculture, a music, a political party, even a football team... Can´t that also be self actualization though? It is difficult not to make this thing here into some sort of cult. But then again, wouldn´t it be better if people were onbsessed with enlightenment and such than with something else? That is the exceptional thing about self actualization, that it teaches non identification so that as awesome of something that one can add to ones life purpose it is, it can´t become preachy or distructive, absolute- if done correctly. Haha, can you imagine self actualization gihad? "I will kill you or you and me if you don´t do your meditation!". #the ego must die... Whoops... I think I drifted a little too far here...

Ok, ok ... You are right... I am procrastinating right now- let´s do the evaluation...

• productivity  
• meditation     that was almost entirely thinking today
• nutrition        
• exersice        -  yes, I was a lazy bumm today, what´ya gonna do?
• nature           - Back and forth between buildings was the only fresh air I had today
• creativity        
• satisfaction    as long as you are flexible and don´t let all the bad luck ruin your day...
• reading          I had enough verbal input today and... eh... Let´s not overload the system? 

And another day is gone... Goodbye

(^  ^)

 

 

 

[Anna Konstantaki]

7536

Could life be better? It couldn´t. Feeling great.

• productivity   
• creativity        
• satisfaction    
• nutrition         
• exersice          
• reading           
• meditation     *
• nature             
• preparation    

*I feel this need to do more of it and I hope I´ll have some more time on Saturday maybe.

So let´s not comment anything and leave there ´cause it´s getting late... 

nighty

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7537

• productivity     partially collab work today
• creativity         more next week
• satisfaction     
• nutrition          
• exersice           don´t mind me but I did not move much
• reading            keepin´it basic
• meditation      *
• nature              finally some good weather
• preparation     

*Have you meditated ON  something because it is the only thing that pops up in your head ALL time? Did that today and successfully released it.

Here is an article I found about mindfulness: http://bigthink.com/21st-century-spirituality/buddhism-and-the-brain-mindfulness-in-modern-times?utm_campaign=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook#link_time=1461879744

Ok, see you next time!

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7538

Just wrote the journal and then the internet went offline and now I´d have to rewrite the post but I am just to tired. Might tell you more tomorrow. Goodnight.

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7539

summary of the weekend

On Friday I went to sleep very late because a good friend of mine was leaving for a really long time and we might even never see each other again so I had a really long conversation that night which made me get up late on Saturday on which other friends asked me out and even though I was of the first people to leave I lost some time there which could had been spent more meaningfully (one hour of nature was maybe the best thing I did yesterday). Today was the first of May and since everyone was free and most us are busy for the next weeks or month I spent this day almost entirely with my friends in cost of productivity, creativity and reading. I watched the neti neti video though before meeting up to at least stay on track with my self actulization basics. I did not have an enlightenment experience but I am not surprised about it. It did something to me though and I think one important thing to discover was that even I, as an open minded person have difficulties to bring up such RADICAL open mindedness that is required as well as to hold it. If I stick to my plans then I won´t digg again into spirituality before Thursday... I´ll keep doing my meditations of course... I wonder if I did the right choices over the last days... It´s not like they dragged me down or that relationships are useless or my friends bad. Quite the opposite actually-I am lucky to have them and they have evolved to be quite qualitative  but I am not sure for how long I will keep spending time with people doing things that don´t give me what something else could give and I know that this sounds so egoistic and advatage oriented but my time every day is limited, my energy is limited, my whole life is actually limited, so why not get more out of it if possible? Why not live up to the full potential? I am really curious of how, where and with who I will end up in the coming years because I can already feel big changes coming up...

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7540

• productivity    
• creativity         
• reading            
• exersice           
• nutrition          
• nature             -
• preparation    
• meditation      
• satisfaction     

(°  °)

[Anna Konstantaki]

7541

• productivity  
• creativity       
• reading          
• exersice         
• nutrition        
• nature            
• preparation  
• meditation   I´ll do it now before going to bed
• satisfaction  

My existence is konstant-eh I mean constant  

(^  ^)

[Anna Konstantaki]

                                             7542 (social day)                 7543

• productivity                                      
• creativity                                                             
• reading            -                                                       
• exersice                                                        
• nutrition                                                       
• nature                                                                -
• preparation                                            
• meditation                                                  
• satisfaction                                              

The mediation of 7541 was succesfully completed after the post by the way... There are so many things I could talk about but I think it all boils down to the unpredictability of life as well as my mindset transforming everything I knew... These are really interesting days for me. -The  proof I needed to see what is possible. I am. Just. Glad. It´s insane... Just insane how I used to go about my days. But let´s not write, let´s live and go to sleep in this case-goodnight. 

(^  ^)

Edited May 6, 2016 by Anna Konstantaki
wrong number/dating