Long Distance Relationship (ldr)

[Lilly]

Hi all,

 

Sorry this is a long message,

So I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. I recently graduated from university and now I am going to move to Mongolia for work purpose (I got a scholarship from a company and it is my obligation to work for them now for four years). So, I had told my boyfriend that I was leaving (we currently live in Australia) a few months ago and gave him some time to think whether he would want to commit to a long distance relationship. A few days ago, we spontaneously fell into discussion of what's gonna happen when i leave. He said four years is too long to make it LDR (even though i told him i would come visit him every three months) and that people change very quickly over time. I agree with what he said but I was hoping he would try at least. I know that mongolia is not a convenient place to move to unless you are offered a very good job. So I couldn't ask him to move with me as I want him to have a bright future. So my ego kicked in, and I said we should stop seeing each other now (even though I had taken a month and half holidays to spend time with him before I leave). 

Do you think If he really saw me as future wife or something, would he have given it a try at least? I feel like I am punishing him and myself now by making the decision to not see each other so immediately. I am aware that I made such decision functioning on my ego mechanism, to see how he would react to it and know my self worth etc. He was crying but he didn't persuade to me to keep seeing him until I actually leave. Can I be vulnerable now and just tell him how I feel about this and that I prefer to spend time with him until i leave even though we are not committing to the future? or would that be a big no-no? Should I just bear the pain and walk forward?

 

Would truly appreciate your advice and opinions,

thank you

Edited March 7, 2016 by Lilly
grammar mistakes

[Steven]

Is he Australian?

In the first part, while reading your post, I was getting an impression that it was him who is giving you a cold shoulder, but...

19 minutes ago, Melody Budjav said:

He was crying but he didn't persuade to keep seeing me until I actually leave.

That is pretty persuasive... Do you need a written contract?

He obviously wants you to stay.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Steven

[Lilly]

Thanks for your reply. Yes he is australian. I have to pay back my university tuition fees if i want to quit the contract. So it is not gonna be possible for me to stay as I don't have such a big amount of money right now. Do you think it will be okay if i just give him a call and share my feelings or do you think i'm not gonna have much luck with that? this happened a couple of days ago.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Lilly

[Henri]

This one you have to be total honest to him about your feelings and so on. That`s for sure going beyond your own ego.

This situation requires a skillful action so that in the end you`ll never going to regret yourself by having not made any action at all.

Long distance is not the issue here. Let love and honesty be the issue. Those remain in your life, whatever will happen. 

[Steven]

@lil I felt really bad when I was in my first year of Uni and my girlfriend at the time was testing my feelings towards her.  Then I went home and felt bad and confused ... like "what the hell did I do?" Then I could not handle confusion and called one of my ex-girlfriends and we went for a coffee and chat. I did not know that I was being followed and it didn't go well with my girlfriend, Seeing me with a hot blonde German chick... an hour after she made me cry. She said that was the worst feeling she had in her life.  I found out that she saw me with her... like a week after.

Being insecure about each other, then nothing can be done to rectify things...

But your issue is not just gf/bf issue. When people are separating for an extended period of time, and on a long distance, there are a lot of emotions involved. When kids leave parents, to migrate to some other country, they too have similar feelings.

This is not about bf/gf only...

I don't think either of you has the power to 'decide' - I'm not sure if you would understand this one though. 

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by Steven

[Steven]

To me, relationships should not be tested...As soon as you test it you kind of change it and it becomes different.

It's like a photon in quantum mechanics..

 

 

[Sami]

I had a similar situation before when I moved to another country and I didnt know when I could come back. I was togheter with my ex then and we had fights before I leaved, just like you and your bf. It was a lot of confusion and fear going on. But we talked about it and we decided to give it a try.

In my case didnt work, but maybe you should talk to him and be completly honest, open yourself and explain what you feel, and whatever must be, will be. If you are ''the one''  for each other it will work some way. 

Good luck <3

[Lilly]

4 hours ago, Lilly said:

Thank you very so much for every one for sharing your precious advice. I will share my feelings honestly with him- will try to control only what i can control and accept the rest as reality.

[clytaemnestra]

9 hours ago, Lilly said:

 I will share my feelings honestly with him

That's the best idea.

The thing is, you can try it, but the truth is that people change. You'll change. Why would you suffer in Mongolia, if you can find a new bf there and enjoy with him? I know how it sounds to you at the moment, but the time you spent with him is relatively small amount of time comparing to your whole life so you can think about marriage.

If you love him so much and you're ready to commit yourself, then find a way to stay with him. But if you decide it, make sure you won't change your mind sometimes or blame him for missing an opportunity. 

[FindingPeace]

Love is persistent but relationships are transient. They don't always fit in with the other things going on in life. You can work your life around a relationship at the expense of growth in other areas of your life, or you can focus on the growth at the expense of the relationship. Sometimes you can do both. Sometimes not.

You may both love one another but having a relationship over long distance for a long term is not an easy thing to do. Some people may find it easier than others. But sometimes it comes at too great a cost. You have to be ok with the way you both feel and don't blame one another for the outcome. Accept the limitiations of both you and he and the relationship itself.

Don't expect people to chase after you and 'prove your worth'. That is a game you shouldn't even be playing. You have to do what you have to do and if he find thats difficult to live with then you have to accpet it. It isn't about worth or proof. It's about individual people with their own emotions and world-veiws. It just may be that in this instance it doesn't work for one or both of you. That's ok. That's life.

 

 

[Annie]

I have had a long distance relationship over a period of about 4 years and it is really really hard but not impossible (In my case it worked.) but you have to be certain you want to be together. If there's a possibility of seeing each other every 3 months or so that's great, it gives you something to look forward to, keeps your spirits up, trust me! I had to wait much longer periods than that, 6-12 months most times and it felt even longer than that but it was worth it.

Talk to each other and find out if you are both serious about each other. If so just do it! :) If you both really want to make it work out then you will.

[sjonesartist]

On 3/6/2016 at 5:01 PM, Lilly said:

Thanks for your reply. Yes he is australian. I have to pay back my university tuition fees if i want to quit the contract. So it is not gonna be possible for me to stay as I don't have such a big amount of money right now. Do you think it will be okay if i just give him a call and share my feelings or do you think i'm not gonna have much luck with that? this happened a couple of days ago.

I think you should absolutely talk to him and let him know what you are thinking/feeling.  life is too short to not tell people what you are really feeling.