Feeling confused from life - is my mind tricking me?

[4smash]

Hi guys, 

I'm grateful that I've found this community. Hopefully you can help me by getting a different point of view on my situation. Let's jump right in:

I feel fucked from life and I'm seeking help in this forum. I don't really know what exactly my problem is but I'll describe it as accurate as possible without going too much into detail. However it is necessary for me to go a little bit deeper than usual in forums so I go by example of Leo's videos and don't make it up too long and yet deep enough to cover all important information so you can help or share your similar experiences precisely.

If you want to help please do so by reading my story carefully since it took some time for me to bring all this in order. Also please be direct and share every little bit of advice you can give, but don't just write: "you need to meditate more".

Short version:
Quarter life crisis; have no life purpose which affects every area of my life negatively.

Long version:
Let's start by telling that I never really knew what I was going to do in my life. I just followed what my mom told me to do, so I went to school and roughly two years ago I passed the a-level-exams (there you get a certificate to enter a university here in Germany). During my last two years of school I met a great friend who gave me a book to read which transformed the way I live (Eckart Tolle - The Power of Now). For the first time in my life I consciously shut off the mind and enjoyed what it was like to just be. 
After school I tried tons of different ways to fulfill my need for a profound, purposeful life. For instance work experience in different areas, university, traveling in Europe and South America, a lot of reading and some private projects with family and friends at home. Remembering the time during these projects I often felt fulfilled and satisfied with myself and the situation itself, but in between when there was nothing to do for me and when I was just looking for the next thing to try, I often felt lonely, depressed and as if there was a hole in the midst of my body which is constantly draining energy from myself to keep me a little victim/spectator of life.
In addition to that there were a few other experiences worth mentioning here. Due to my sexual desperation (got my first girlfriend at 18, broke up at 20 mostly because of sexual inactivity; didn't have any hots for her left) I tried NoFap. After 150 days or so without fapping/watching porn I strongly felt disconnected to myself and my sexuality so I became interested in audiofiles and what I call "sex with ghosts" which I stopped again for the reason that I want to feel some boy-girl intimacy again. Furthermore I already had a few enlightened experiences on Magic Mushrooms and a very special one on Ayahuasca. Lastly I'd like to mention that especially during the last 3 months I sometimes blindly followed universal signs which brought me in a bad money situation where I successfully lost a big part of my savings.
Not to say all of this is bad, on the other hand I really am grateful for the experiences I made up to now and I'm sure all of this will be with the benefit of hindsight.
 

So how is the situation right now?
I'm 22 years old ,1500€ left, still living at my mothers house, spending my days self-actualizing as far as possible without lots of energy left and trying to motivate myself to find a job to restore my savings. From the outside it probably doesn't even look so bad. I've got a nice morning routine (exercising, meditation 30 minutes, cold showering, each 6-7 days a week), playing the piano every now and then, taking care of my nutrition as far as possible, reading/actualizing on self help stuff, walking or cycling in nature almost daily etc. But on the inside it looks worse. I just force myself to do all this because I know if I even would stop meditating or exercising I couldn't even look myself in the eyes anymore because there's nothing left at all to do for me. Often in the evenings when I'm lying in my bed my body is tired of all this walking and exercising but my mind still fully awake because deep inside of me there's so much energy left which makes it hard to fall asleep sometimes.
I just know and feel that my potential is limitless and not used to capacity at all which probably is one reason for the depressed state of mind at the moment. Often during walks in the forest I discover how the filter in my awareness shifts from negative to positive and suddenly the world looks promising and positive again. I even become more clear-headed and some ideas pop up what I could do next but as soon as I'm at home again starting to look for a job for instance, the mind kicks in again telling me why the fuck should I do this job if I have way more potential and this is not good for me because of that blablabla.
When talking about family I sometimes when I'm in good mood can talk and laugh with them a lot but on the other hand sometimes I can't even look them in the eyes and don't want to say a single word when eating together e.g.
Same with friends, when there's something to do, I'm the first one who wants to help and work all day but when it's about coming together as a group and chill and relax it usually doesn't take more than a hour until I want to leave which proceeds so far that I don't even want to meet some of them anymore (yes I know sometimes it's necessary to cut off unhealthy relationships but don't I need any form of balance like new friends first so my social skills won't freeze even more than now?)
Lastly here's the tip of the iceberg: The first time in my entire life there are minor suicidal thoughts popping up in my head even though as I write this I wouldn't even consider killing myself as an option (Is this my mind tricking me?). I'd rather work myself dead before consciously thinking about suicide. I just know that I'm bigger than any problem in life and that it's just a question of time when I'll feel more fulfilled and happy again but I just need some help to do so.

But that's not how it has to be:
All of my experiences so far gave a kind of outline how my life could be. I do have goals in life and yes, I do have a lot of dreams. Just for example I want to master the piano, become a veterinarian specialist for all sorts of cats, have successful relationships with my surrounding partners (family/friends/future girlfriend), become evolved in competitive e-sports and master another passion of mine like snowboarding and on top of that I want to become more and more self-actualized to find my true authentic self.
So what's the problem? I have goals and if I would think about it for a minute I could even set myself a step by step guide how to reach all of my goals in during the next 10 years.
Let's take the competitive e-sport for an example. I just cannot sit there playing my favorite game without thinking that there's fucking more important stuff to do than playing for 12 hours, I can do that when I'm financially free but not now when I'm struggling with my life. Bad example because playing video games it chimpdump like Leo calls it, right? So let's take the vet thing. I started learning about all the different type of cats in the world but even there I think that when I move to Berlin in 6 months to start university again that I don't want to live in some kind of chicken house eating ramen all day so please work for your financial freedom first. If I continue anyway to play the game or to learn, the depressed feeling slowly starts to come back and I go out for a walk in the forest to rethink this whole thing again.

I was thinking about taking the life purpose course but somehow my gut feeling tells me to that I should rather work my way through Leo's free stuff first (like becoming successful at everything) before considering buying the course. And furthermore I want to bring my life in order again at first so I have more mental capacity left to do the course in a more authentic way (are these just excuses of the mind so I can continue to feel like a "victim" in life?).

Possible next steps:
I'm free so I could force myself to find a job that I could do until October so at least I've some money reserves again. Or I could even move to Berlin right now, leave all of my old life and friends behind me and find a job over there. Or I could say fuck all this and take the course to restructure everything. I just don't know.

As you can see I'm very confused which is probably normal for a guy at my age but I feel a bit overwhelmed with all the possibilities considering my background and my goals. Furthermore the regularly depressed feeling makes it harder and harder to make strong decisions and stick to them.

 

Thank you already so much for reading all this. If you need any further information to help me precisely please feel free to ask anything you want to know. If you have some similar story you want to share but you don't want to make it public please feel free to contact me via PM.

 

Edit:
Got a call today while meditating. Got a job which I can do until university start, and furthermore I'm thinking about getting a second job to be busy during the week. Any replies are still appreciated

Edited April 4, 2018 by 4smash

[Hanski]

Hi!

Here are some thoughts that arised while reading your text:

To me it sounds you are in a good position in life atm, that's awesome!! You should pursue your goals but not let them to define too much your life because goals also tend to change during the journey. You are only 22, u should have some fun and not think too much. I mean u have made a plan for your life for now and that's great, now it's time for the fun part = taking action   Also remember that even though you have all the potential needed, cultivating humbleness is also very important. Those who think they know/can do everything, have the most to learn.. But I guess this is what we all learn through aging. And hey maybe take a break from Leo's videos for a while just to chill out a bit and then get back on track after a while

Sorry for my bad English! All the best! You have good stuff going on, stick with them!!